He has hit bottom. Now what?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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No one here, including me, including you, can possibly know whether your bf is serious and whether he will actually recover long-term. The concern I was expressing, and I believe others were too, was it's just too soon to tell.
How long has it been since he busted up your house? How long has it been since he busted up his brother's face? A few meetings and a day sober does not make recovery. It takes a long time. If it were me, I would be cautiously optimistic for several months--maybe even a year--before I was willing to trust him enough to put myself at risk. That's just me, though, and it comes from having been through the roller coaster of broken promises, false hopes, and repeated disappointment.
So, what's the hurry? Real love tends to stand the test of time. What's the harm in letting him know that you have faith in him to do what he needs to do, but you need to maintain your distance in order to feel safe. If he really is serious about recovering, he would understand that, wouldn't he? On the other hand, if he's just temporarily doing what he thinks will smooth things over, well that would become apparent, wouldn't it?
I am concerned about your safety and in my view you should be, too. Putting some distance between yourself and someone who violated your space and your trust is not an unreasonable thing to do. In fact, it makes a lot of sense.
L
How long has it been since he busted up your house? How long has it been since he busted up his brother's face? A few meetings and a day sober does not make recovery. It takes a long time. If it were me, I would be cautiously optimistic for several months--maybe even a year--before I was willing to trust him enough to put myself at risk. That's just me, though, and it comes from having been through the roller coaster of broken promises, false hopes, and repeated disappointment.
So, what's the hurry? Real love tends to stand the test of time. What's the harm in letting him know that you have faith in him to do what he needs to do, but you need to maintain your distance in order to feel safe. If he really is serious about recovering, he would understand that, wouldn't he? On the other hand, if he's just temporarily doing what he thinks will smooth things over, well that would become apparent, wouldn't it?
I am concerned about your safety and in my view you should be, too. Putting some distance between yourself and someone who violated your space and your trust is not an unreasonable thing to do. In fact, it makes a lot of sense.
L
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
I just figured out how to word why I am frustrated. It seems that no one is listening to me. I just said - Yesterday was one day Sober. I also said I don't think that it will Sober Day #1 marked on a calendar with many following. I didn't say he is recovery. I KNOW that it is only a small step, a baby step at that. I am not hurrying or rushing anything. I do my thing most of the time. With work and school and looking for a home to purchase I AM BUSY!
There's a TON of space between him and I. And NO I don't trust that there will be no disappointments in the near future. Actually, I will almost guarantee there will be.
I just feel like no one is hearing the things I am trying to say. I do SEE all of the mistakes I have made and am still making, but I am also making a huge effort to put the good advice I hear into action.
There's a TON of space between him and I. And NO I don't trust that there will be no disappointments in the near future. Actually, I will almost guarantee there will be.
I just feel like no one is hearing the things I am trying to say. I do SEE all of the mistakes I have made and am still making, but I am also making a huge effort to put the good advice I hear into action.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I do hope you use what you are hearing. We can also only hear what you post. We were there as well don't forget.
I hear you are very busy, you do not need someone depending on you to be his savior. He shouldn't be taking up your time in that way. You just continue to do what you are doijg and see if you get the results you are hoping for. Hope it works out for you.
I hear you are very busy, you do not need someone depending on you to be his savior. He shouldn't be taking up your time in that way. You just continue to do what you are doijg and see if you get the results you are hoping for. Hope it works out for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
NeedHelp81, You seem to be in a better place than what I took your first postings on this thread to mean. I applaud what you are doing with you life, and it sounds like maybe T is heade toward the right path for him.
Maybe what your original question meant, my oppinion only, was now that he is willing to go down this path what is your roll in this process?
Correct me if I am wrong, because I truly want to know more about you and to undertand you more clearly.
If my assessment is right, then the next right thing for you to do is to show your support when he continues on the sobriety path, while allowing him to discover what life is like as a sober responsible adult on his own. The other thing I would do is to read as much as I could on the subject so I could grow in understanding and knowledge. I would also start going to meetings to learn how to live with a recovering A, because life afer sobriety is different than when active addiction is involved, the roles eeryone plays are different. This is what I did when my son went into recovery. And so far it has worked for me.
hoefully this helps
Barb
Maybe what your original question meant, my oppinion only, was now that he is willing to go down this path what is your roll in this process?
Correct me if I am wrong, because I truly want to know more about you and to undertand you more clearly.
If my assessment is right, then the next right thing for you to do is to show your support when he continues on the sobriety path, while allowing him to discover what life is like as a sober responsible adult on his own. The other thing I would do is to read as much as I could on the subject so I could grow in understanding and knowledge. I would also start going to meetings to learn how to live with a recovering A, because life afer sobriety is different than when active addiction is involved, the roles eeryone plays are different. This is what I did when my son went into recovery. And so far it has worked for me.
hoefully this helps
Barb
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by HopeandPrayer 
NeedHelp81, You seem to be in a better place than what I took your first postings on this thread to mean. I applaud what you are doing with you life, and it sounds like maybe T is heade toward the right path for him.
Maybe what your original question meant, my oppinion only, was now that he is willing to go down this path what is your roll in this process?
Correct me if I am wrong, because I truly want to know more about you and to undertand you more clearly.
If my assessment is right, then the next right thing for you to do is to show your support when he continues on the sobriety path, while allowing him to discover what life is like as a sober responsible adult on his own. The other thing I would do is to read as much as I could on the subject so I could grow in understanding and knowledge. I would also start going to meetings to learn how to live with a recovering A, because life afer sobriety is different than when active addiction is involved, the roles eeryone plays are different. This is what I did when my son went into recovery. And so far it has worked for me.
hoefully this helps
Barb
Maybe what your original question meant, my oppinion only, was now that he is willing to go down this path what is your roll in this process?
Correct me if I am wrong, because I truly want to know more about you and to undertand you more clearly.
If my assessment is right, then the next right thing for you to do is to show your support when he continues on the sobriety path, while allowing him to discover what life is like as a sober responsible adult on his own. The other thing I would do is to read as much as I could on the subject so I could grow in understanding and knowledge. I would also start going to meetings to learn how to live with a recovering A, because life afer sobriety is different than when active addiction is involved, the roles eeryone plays are different. This is what I did when my son went into recovery. And so far it has worked for me.
hoefully this helps
Barb
Thank you Barb. I guess that is what I would like to know. I still wouldn't say that he has already jumped on the wagon, but I think he is chasing it.
Do you mean attend Al-Anon? Or AA? Also, what are my rules on drinking? Am I allowed to drink? I guess that would be hypcritical of his problem and a little insensitive too?
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Either al-anon or open AA meetings work, I don't drink in front of my son my I do enjoy an occasional adult beverage once in awhile 
Also the book called "Codepent No More" is an excellent source. The more information you get the better you will be able to deal with what your HP has in mind for you. The problem I have is, I know I am a codepedent and an enabler, so the more I can learn about stopping my own behavior in these areas the better off my son will be.
As far as T drinking, my boundary would be absolutely not in my presence(sp). That is just me because my son also has a tendency to get violent when he drinks.
Hope this helps.
Barb
Also the book called "Codepent No More" is an excellent source. The more information you get the better you will be able to deal with what your HP has in mind for you. The problem I have is, I know I am a codepedent and an enabler, so the more I can learn about stopping my own behavior in these areas the better off my son will be.
As far as T drinking, my boundary would be absolutely not in my presence(sp). That is just me because my son also has a tendency to get violent when he drinks.
Hope this helps.
Barb
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
I am just finishing reading "Choices" by Melody Beattie. I loved "Codependent No More" by her also, but this book has been so quick and easy to read as it's written in short story format......true life examples of the consequences of choices made.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Need help, you are only making matters worse if you are not practicing what you are wanting him to do. You can not be a hypocrite and go out on Fridays and drink and have a good ol time and then expect him to recover. It doesn't work. I've also tried that.
He will use that as an excuse.
It doesn't matter if you have a problem or not you do not drink. Not this early on in his recovery. If he is home on Friday then you should spend time with him (if he is sober)
He will resent you.
Be careful on that.
If you go out and he is there then he has every right to be there. You are.
He will use that as an excuse.
It doesn't matter if you have a problem or not you do not drink. Not this early on in his recovery. If he is home on Friday then you should spend time with him (if he is sober)
He will resent you.
Be careful on that.
If you go out and he is there then he has every right to be there. You are.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
If you are out at a bar, he shouldn't be there if he is serious about sobriety. The decision is yours, but if it were me and I am having a good time, I would probably stay unless things started getting dangerous. Then I would leave and call the police if I felt threatened in anyway.
This disease is very confusing to those of us that aren't alcoholics. That is why those of us that have been thru this with our addicts are trying to help.
If you have a chance go to the bookstore or library and get one or all of the books suggested and start reading. Just like on this sight, there will be things that pertain to your situation and some that don't, take what you can use and leave the rest.
Just make sure you stay safe where T is concerned, you are right, it is too early to tell if he will stay on the path. Start learning about alcoholism and the effects it has on the people that surround it. There are some great people on here who only want the best for you.
Hugs and prayers, trust in your HP to lead you where you need to go, and take it one day at a time.
Barb
This disease is very confusing to those of us that aren't alcoholics. That is why those of us that have been thru this with our addicts are trying to help.
If you have a chance go to the bookstore or library and get one or all of the books suggested and start reading. Just like on this sight, there will be things that pertain to your situation and some that don't, take what you can use and leave the rest.
Just make sure you stay safe where T is concerned, you are right, it is too early to tell if he will stay on the path. Start learning about alcoholism and the effects it has on the people that surround it. There are some great people on here who only want the best for you.
Hugs and prayers, trust in your HP to lead you where you need to go, and take it one day at a time.
Barb
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by HopeandPrayer
Stubborn1, you are right, i guess I forgot to ask if he is living with you. My son now lives 2 hrs away, so I don't have that same situation.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
If your mother had an eating problem would you eat a bag of donuts in front of her?
If you were addicted to crack would you smoke it in front of a recovering crack head?
If the person you love and says loves you WHY would you do that to him? Why even make him question. You just don't do that to the one you love.
Does this make sense...........ummm you can't drink but I'm going out on Friday......see ya.
I'll tell you what will happen if he is serious.....you will be the one in his way of sobriety and you will be history. So be the solution or a problem.
I stick with what I said......it's NOT a good idea.
If you were addicted to crack would you smoke it in front of a recovering crack head?
If the person you love and says loves you WHY would you do that to him? Why even make him question. You just don't do that to the one you love.
Does this make sense...........ummm you can't drink but I'm going out on Friday......see ya.
I'll tell you what will happen if he is serious.....you will be the one in his way of sobriety and you will be history. So be the solution or a problem.
I stick with what I said......it's NOT a good idea.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
It's obvious to me that you haven't gotton to your bottom yet. I pray that you won't have too and your help will be the answer and everything will work out for both of you. i did the same stuff as you..for years and years. last time I let him back in I went head first. i was so sure that the nightmare was over and my love for him had finally paid off, but I was wrong. I buried my head in the sand and detached and all that *&^% and you know what happened? I woke up, almost 50 years old and so alone and scared and emotionless. it sucked away my soul and I'm not sure if I can ever get it back. I think everyone has to go thru there own story and when you reach your bottom, you will do whats best. Just don't let this steal you of your precious time on this earth ok?
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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Thank you. I understand what you are saying but what if he is STILL drinking? Thats what I don't understand. Even though he is still drinking and going out I have to stay home. AND if he was in recovery I would have to stay home and not go out. So basically my life has to completely change either way? If he was in recovery and being good - fine. Thatd be easy for me to stay home and spend time with him.
He already got hammered last night. Atleast I think he did, he was namecalling again thru text messages.
I don't want to fix him anymore. I can't. I mean I can't even wait for him to decide that he wants help beyond what he has says. My heart hurts, my brain is sleepy, and my body aches. Im exhausted and overwhelmed and completely confused by his words and actions and love and then namecalling and disrespect. Ugh.
I think I give up.
He already got hammered last night. Atleast I think he did, he was namecalling again thru text messages.
I don't want to fix him anymore. I can't. I mean I can't even wait for him to decide that he wants help beyond what he has says. My heart hurts, my brain is sleepy, and my body aches. Im exhausted and overwhelmed and completely confused by his words and actions and love and then namecalling and disrespect. Ugh.
I think I give up.
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Still drinking, still abusing you, saying one thing, doing another. And you think he has hit bottom? IMHO, he is still a long, long way from hitting bottom.
Are you sure you want to stay on this sinking ship?
L
Are you sure you want to stay on this sinking ship?
L
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bend OR
Posts: 197
No. I don't. I really really really don't. I am terrified of his anger though when I tell him I'm letting go. Absolutely terrified. Not of violence, but of humiliation and rumors. His being an A has really made him lack maturity in a HUGE way, along with a grip on reality...
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