good_luck

I guess it is hard to believe because a great number of us have been there, time and time again.

I literally cannot count the number of times my ex cried and "hit bottom" and admitted he had a problem. And, for the record, I don't think he was lying. I just think that, in the end, it didn't amount to much. Because it never went beyond that.

What worries me most about your posting is that you distanced yourself from him, his reaction was to smash your things and trash your place, and this resulted in you getting back together with him.

I don't say this to be judgemental. I found myself trapped in a cycle like that as well, and it's hard to see when you are in it.

But what happened, distilled down from all the history and emotion, is that his terrible, illegal, abusive, threatening behavior was rewarded.

So when people talk about "quacking" or "manipulation," think about this. Logically, if his flipouts lead to your concern, love and caring, then you can see why suicide threats, crying, and other self-destructive behavior might be ways to get your attention.

It's obvious that you care a lot about this man. Perhaps you might consider what behaviors you would like to see in him, and give him attention and love when he does positive things?

I hope you find a way to make this situation better for yourself. It sounds stressful beyond belief.

Silverberry1331

Sounds like you are a doing alot of positive stuff for yourself. This is really good. I realize that your heart is involved with this man, and it is hard to detach. Provide him the list, but allow him to do the steps to get into help. It will allow you to do what you can in your capacity, but then allow him in his capacity to do what he needs to do....He can do this. He is an addict, not helpless.

I understand you are angry and feel that we are being heartless, especially regarding the suicide stuff. However, it is not a matter of not caring...it is a matter of not having control. My husband has tried to commit suicide...not threatened, but has made active attempts. The most recent one was in July. He was in ICU and hospitalized via Baker Act. This was not his first suicide attempt. My only peace of mind is relinquishing the need to control. I thought I could control and help, but I can't. I have come home numerous days early from work or left for work late or not attended a function or sat the suicide watch vigil. He got around me and made an attempt anyway. It was only after I could relinquish this control did I find more serenity.

You deserve more serenity too. You are obvious intelligent, hardworking, and caring.

What the board is trying to say is, try not to take so much on yourself. You can merely point the direction, but he has to walk the path....If and when he decides to take the path of recovery, it will be his reward.

Praying for you in the meantime.

NeedHelp81

Ugh. This all sounds like puppy training.

I know it SEEMS like a reward to him, for me it brings more peace. I couldn't go out at night because things were so weird. He wrote things about me on walls, he broke my stuff, he made me feel like crap and feel scared. It's a more peaceful place when I am in a crappy "relationship" with him then when I see him and he makes my life hell. Yes I do love him, and I don't believe he knows why he does these things. He told me once that he doesn't have reasons to leave me and he KNOWS I am too good for him and I deserve better. So he causes situations that will make me leave so I will be better in the long run....

Bah.

LaTeeDa

It's sounds like puppy training alright. He has you trained exactly the way he wants you. You distance yourself, then he makes your life miserable, and you go back to "keep the peace." Then he lays the manipulation on thick so you will see what a poor helpless, downtrodden soul he is.

I heard the "you're too good for me" mantra a few times, too. It was just another way to suck me in and keep me playing the game.

Life is a patient teacher. She will keep presenting you the same lessons over and over until you learn them. When the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of changing, then we change.

Stay safe.

L

Learning how

Needs help, You are in such a dangerous situation. He hit his brother and the brother needed 9 stiches! I have sons and brothers....no stiches ever, no hitting ever.
I think the posts above have been very good at pointing out that you have got to look at the actions he takes and not words he uses. Do the actions and words match up?
If he is going to get recovery he has to do it him self. I can give you examples but you have them above. Just know it is true, it is not in your power to fix him.

This has got to be so stressful for you, please take care of yourself.

Keep your distance from him or you may be the person getting stiches.

NeedHelp81

Um BTW for the record - I wouldve hit his brother in the face as well. He is a pile that runs is mouth too often. Im actually a little sorry it wasn't me who sent him to the hospital. He brought the drugs back into T's life. He started this crap again and waved it in his face. Don't make his bro sound like an innocent bystander to this "sick, sick man" It's nothing of the sort.

HopeandPrayer

I can understandn why at this point in time it would seem like it bring you more peace because he isn't destroying anything, but in effect he is. He is slowly drawing the life out of you. You deserve more than to stay with someone who uses scare tactics to keep you with them. And you are right when they are in active addiction they don't know why they do the things they do. The addiction takes hold, it is everything to them and they will do anything to satisfy that addiction. We codies do the same thing only our addiction is trying to take care of our addict. They also tell us what we want to hear just so things don't change for them.

I truly hope he is sincere about his want to stop this behavior, but it sounds like he needs inpatient treatment if he is having DTs.

I am sending you prayers and hugs and hope you are working on keeping you healthy mentally and physically.
Barb

:praying

Barbara52

Sorry, but T brought drugs back into his own life. I doubt anyone tied him in a chair and forced him to use. He is an adult responsible for his choices, good and bad.

HopeandPrayer

I don't think it matters what type of person the brother is, if T is able to do that kind of damage to anyone then he is someone to be aware of.

We are all just trying to let you know we care about you and your safety. If he can bust up your hours to the point that you called the police, if he can hit someone hard enough to cause them to have 9 stitches, then he is definately capable of causing someone to have life threatening injuries when he is angry. Its like a 2 yr-old having a temper tantrum, I didn't allow my kids to throw tantrums without consequences so why would I allow someone who is supposed to be an adult throw one?

If you start to focus on his behaviors, take away what you might think caused them, look at the actions very closely, What are these telling you?
Try to take the emotion out of it just for a minute and see what is left. If it is like in my case, it is about a child that never grew up and learned how to deal with being told NO.
Barb

NeedHelp81

Um no he didn't. Yes he is an adult responsible for his choices. But when he TRYING to recover something and someone waives crap in your face - its a little freakin hard to do. As a brother you should not hinder your loved ones ability to recover. Such as temptation.

Barbara 52 - im really sorry to say it but you have no empathy whatsoever. You're posts to me are always cold and I would prefer if you didn't reply to anything more of mine.

Barbara52

Sorry you see realism as lack of empathy. I worry that you are making lots of excuses for T's bad choices and leaving yourself open to further pain, emotional and physical.

Sure friends and family can be supportive. But the individual alone is responsible for their choices, including the choice to hang around with folks who encourage you to use drugs or alcohol.

If you do not want to read my replies, you can block them.

NeedHelp81

He has nowhere else to live!!!!!!! Do you get it? His mom lives by Al-Anon and doesn't help either of her kids. I wouldn't either..... but she has the financial means to help them. He doesn't have anywhere else to go. No he doesn't have ANY friends that don't use, no he can't get a place of his own because he has so much debt to pay off that he can't even get a bank acct let alone a rental.

HopeandPrayer

My RAS was faced with the same knid of pressure from his older brother, and he has withstood the pressure because he knows that if he touches alcohol again he will not stop.

Yes, the brother should have enough compassion to not do that to him, but it still comes down to T being able to either say no or stay away from his brother when he knows he's using. Ultimately, it boils down to T making the right decisions for himself. In a perfect world people would always do the right thing, but life isn't that accommadating. No matter how many times I want to blame my older son and RAS friends for his addiction, realisticly it is still my RAS's responsibilty to look out for his own sobriety.
Barb

Barbara52

NeedHelp, There are always shelters, the Salvation Army, other places. He has options if he chooses to take them. The Salvation Army would love to help him with his addicitons!

NeedHelp81

OK. 2 days off the **** and he waives it in your face? Have any of you ever been addicted to anything? Especially since T was still drinking and we all know how much that lowers your morals.....

Whatever. Im done with this thread.

NeedHelp81

Sometimes people do need to be hit. Maybe get some sense knocked into them.

HopeandPrayer

There are places for people to go if they have no home, Sometimes that is the bottom they need to reach in order for them to get it. My RAS's AHA moment was when he went to jail for his 2nd DUI inside of one year. That is what it took to wake him up. I just am not sure that T has reached his bottom yet. He also has the choice to go into to inpatient treatment and then a half -way house if he is serious about getting sober.
Barb

Barbara52

Never!

HopeandPrayer

NO ONE and I repeat NO ONE, EVER deserves to be hit. If you are looking for someone to condone you ABF's actions on this sight, maybe you ARE in the wrong place. There are too many of us on here that have lived in and thru phycically abusive relationships, to the point of almost loosing our lives. So, if you don't want to avail yourself of all the great wisdom and advice on here, then why did you post in the first place.

Your first post in this string is "He has hit botom. Now what?"

Well, we who have lived it are trying to tell you NOW WHAT, but you don't want to hear it. Barb

good_luck

NO!