justaboutus

I've hired a lawyer and because my husband hasn't been in trouble with the law (yet) the lawyer has asked me to do some snooping. The things I've found make me want to vomit. Porn, hidden liquor, vulgar things posted on the internet while he should be working (you know... to support this family that's in the RED). I continue to beg him to go to marriage counseling and AA and I get nothing but empty promises peppered with how much I mean to him and how he's so depressed he wants to die.

I feel sick as I daily document his activities to show to my lawyer. I can't believe he doesn't get it. I can't believe I married this disgusting man. I also feel this overwhelming sorrow because I know I'm going to destroy his world, though I do not love him.

The people I've confided in can't believe he's being such a fool. My therapist can't believe he's so far gone... I think she expects him to take his own life. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

I've just felt all sick and twisted all day. My tasks at work have been brainless, so my mind has wondered. I know I need to stop, I just need to hear others have been here.

Barbara52

No, you may move out of the way and allow the natural consequences of his choices come his way but you aren't destroying anything.

grateful2b

yes, ditto, what Barb said, he is doing this to himself and the consequences are all his alone.
((((Justaboutus)))), I am sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, but try to keep the focus on you.
you do not have the power to save or destroy this man, only he does...

blessed4x

That kind of sums it up for me too. After TWO decades to realize I've had my head in the sand. I've found hidden bottles which didn't surprise me, but it was the porn that got me. I was also told by a friend that he tried to hit on her in a bar and the exact words she said he told her "I'm here to get laid", he later told me she said. I guess I'll never know and it doesn't really matter. It has really damaged my ability to trust anyone. I feel like if I can be that fooled once it could happen again.

Sorry you are going through this, but you are not going through it alone.

Reddmax

Tell me about it. The same thing is occuring with my AW. They do things on impulse that make absolutely no sense at all. They scratch the itch in my opinion. Stimulus, reaction. No thought at all. Mainly because they can't think

And... I'm going through it all too.

Redd

loner1968

What's with the porn? Same thing happend to me when my XABF left he left a bunch of drug stuff and porn....like he wanted me to find it. I now people like porn but it was alot and I know he took a bunch with him. I guess he is happy with his woman. the last book she said she read was "how to make love like a porn star" UGHH I don't know. You are not alone. Not sure it helps but its better to find out now what kind of slime ball your dealing with. It could make it easier to make decisions!

AmpHusky

It seems to me the sex issues with the A's bother us the most. We thought we were special to that person. Then to find out they are using sex to get what they want. Then the doubts that there was any real love in the relationship.

Barbara52

I had no sex issues with my xAH. My biggest issue with him was (and is) his refusal to admit to be an alcoholic. Secondary was his refusal to work for 2/3 of our marriage.

The manipulation, thru sex or whatever else, is just another symptom of the alcoholic behaviors that are unacceptable.

kj3880

My breaking point with my abf was his refusal to take the meds that they prescribed that helped him stop drinking when he took them. Nothing to do with sex at all, either. Sexual stuff was besides the point when I realized how much he was drinking in the end (like a case of beer a day). Who wanted to sleep with someone who reeked of alcohol anyway. When we broke up he told me "I'll have another girl within a week." I didn't care. I was done. Thank God.
KJ

Snickers008

One time I came downstairs "unexpectedly" (a big no no) and saw my exAH watching something on TV that I initially thought was some kind of speeded up nature film- like the one where the flower blooms before your eyes.

It was a close up of nature all right- I felt like my eyeballs were burning out of my head.

Another time we were going to get the dryer fixed and that dear man just went all out of his way to pull that dryer out and dust behind it and get it all ready for the repairman! What a guy!!

Unfortunately he overlooked one of the tapes in his collection he stored back there but the repairman retrieved it from underneath.

Very embarassing.

The sooner you get this unacceptable behavior out of your life, the better. Now in my house- no alcohol, no tobacco and no porn- no exceptions.

Stubborn1

Been there done that. Not with the things you found but hidden things he lied about. It hurts just to be lied to. I never understood why or how we became the enemy.
When people ask me "how's your husband?" I just say "I don't know. He lives his life and I live mine" and they don't ask anymore.
Their behaviors do sometimes make you sick to your stomach. I feel sorry for my ah/ or did.

kj3880

Just about all the men I've ever known well enough to know this about, including my dear father, my ex-husband (who never cheated or had any addictions), many dear co-workers and male friends and even my teen son, look at porn sometimes, with varying degrees of interest. I agree that too much of it qualifies as an addiction. And I personally find it nasty and demeaning. But I have to say that I've known a lot of really good quality men that sometimes look at porn and don't seem to have any other problems. I don't think that looking at porn every now and then is necessarily indication of other problems, though we may not like to think about them looking at it. Some of these men are very happy with their wives. Just sayin' is all.
KJ

justaboutus

thanks everyone.

I remember not knowing or caring about porn when I first got married... of course he was earning a living then and our problems were minor. Now he complains how he doesn't have enough time to finish his work and I find out he's spending HOURS surfing the internet, posting on websites, and playing pornographic games online. The few times I've confronted him about it he said how people only really work about 3-4 hours a day, max. The rest of the time is spent goofing off. Not in my world, buddy!!

I know I can't save him. I just want to slap him and say "I can't believe your letting me do this!! WAKE UP!! I'm leaving. Fight for your marriage, DUMBA**!!" But that would require EFFORT on his part. That's not going to happen.

I just want to fast forward though the next six months... when I can quit looking at him and focus on DD and me.

kj3880

Playing Pornographic Games...WTF???? I never even heard of those!!! Yikes!
KJ