avasmiles

My Husband had been gone almost 5 months in rehab..Stayed sober for 7 months total,,and relapsed.. and again. As soon as I set my boundries in place, He says he will take the steps he needs to take to get back on track.. Im worried he might be hiding drinking from me and Im not sure how to handle it.. He preaches about how in love he is with me and our daughter and he wants us over the alcohol..However I see him slipping.. How much is too much help.. How firm is too firm and how do I get involved without it being too much?? I get confused... Hes my husband and what he does under our roof does effect us. I cant walk around minding my own business just focusing on myself. The energy is too strong.. and even if I went through life just paying attention to my needs I might as well be single. Why be married then??I made a vow to love in sickness and in health.. and we have been together 9 years and I am so commited...However I can only tolerate so much .He could go either way at this point.. he says he doesnt ever want to go back to his old selfdestructive ways, yet hes not putting the energy that he needs to get the help.. He seems depressed and has been isolating.. Then he wil wake up and everything will be fine. His moods change pretty drastically. I cant do the one foot in one foot out the door.. I need ful commitment and willingness to change for one self.. A part of me feels he does not want to change and be well. and do it for himself..I feel like he is doing this all for us and that is why he continues to remain stagnant.. He must want his recovery and sobriety for himself first.. Thanks for letting me vent. I go to alanon..Im involved in couples therapy that seems to help... Still I feel I have no answers to how I should handle this.. THanks for letting me voice my frustrations.... bye for now

hadenoughnow

There is no way that you "should" handle it. I went through the same stuff, my exah wanting to be sober then not wanting it then wanting it, acting self absorbed, depressed, hiding his drinking and lying, the proclamations of love. I too felt like I was already single, I was taking care of everything, paying all the bills etc while he just picked and chose what he wanted to do. After 16 years I could not live in that environment or make our son live in it either so I divorced him. Our lives are happy and pretty much drama free now.

ToughChoices

Hi, avasmiles!

My husband also went to rehab, returned committed to sobriety, and relapsed repeatedly.
It was such a hard time for me - I can completely relate to your difficulty determining how involved you should be in the life and decisions of the man that you love.

For me, AH continues to insist that he's "recovering" - he's just doing it in his own time and in his own way.
Apparently his way involves being arrested for DUI and other assorted alcoholic forms of fun!
We reached an impasse in our relationship - his decision to continue trying to control his consumption of alcohol was too nerve-wracking for me to live with.

I love my husband. We have a lot of good things going for us, and I don't want to divorce (although it may well come to that). I'm not sure what I want to do about us yet. So I decided to give myself some time and some space to figure it out.

There are more options than just "married-in love-happy-involved in each other's lives-sleeping in the same bed" and "single-totally distant-uninvolved-unloving".

In my case, legal separation was the best option. Though AH did NOT like the idea at all (and gave me a really hard time) initially, he's come around to understand why I need the space. I moved into a tiny, peaceful house with my son.
Now, my AH and I have pleasant conversations. I enjoy talking to him again.
I do not think about alcohol. I do not talk about alcohol. I'm taking a break from his issues.

Hang in there. Time will give you answers. Space may make the process less taxing on you.

-TC

blessed4x

Thank you for sharing your stories. For so long I thought if only my AH would go to rehab.......for that matter if he would only admit he has a problem. He has flat out refused AA, counseling, or to even entertain the idea that he might "have a problem with alcohol". It's by reading these kind of posts that I am able to see that there is no magic, and that I have to contine working on me and leave his recovery (or lack thereof) to him.

denny57

For me, it came down to that question, too, and I divorced.

Detaching doesn't equate to minding my own business (in the way I think you mean it). Detaching is taking my hands off someone else's behaviors.

I decided what I needed in a marriage; I tried to discuss it with xAH. He chose to continue to drink. I then had to decide on my own action in response to that.

Bottom line for me: I can change no one but myself. I can ask for change - but I can't make it happen.