Startingover2

Thank you all.

He is now threatning me and saying he is going to file a police report. I said go ahead. Door was unlocked and I knocked. I was concerned about his welfare and didn't know if he was ok. I also said...send the police. I will show them the hole in the wall and tell them about last weekend when you walked in at 7 a.m. when we were all sleeping.

He is saying how much he loves his daughter and how he will take care of her. ya right. I told him his love and devotion is shining through.

I had to end the conversation. It was going nowhere and he was hell bent on making me look bad.

I feel like crap.

Bernadette

He can only "make you look bad" in his eyes.

Are you gonna believe this one unstable alcoholic person? Or all of us sober, sane (relatively!) people here on SR who have seen what a remarkable, upstanding job you are doing in moving forward and protecting your daughter!!!!!!!!!!!

What you saw was awful.
In some cultures it is very important that the actual body be viewed at a wake lest anyone harbor any fantasies that the person did not really die. I think you went to the wake of your relationship last night - and that is so painful, but you now have the irrefutable image and you can maybe bury any fantasies you've been nurturing.

It does not matter if he was drinking last night or not. Do you see that? Pay attention only to behavior! If alcohol was never an issue betw you guys but you had separated and he was telling you over and over he was not sleeping with so-and-so and he was professing his intention to win you back-- don't you see his BEHAVIOR would have the same impact no matter what was ingested last night?

You know all his bad mouthing you now is just major quacking - he's been exposed, again, as not the prince he wants everyone to think he is. So too bad. His self-image is not your problem. It is such typical alcoholic quacking to say he is gonna call the cops!!! As if that has ANYTHING to do with ANYTHING!!!!!

Big hugs Startingover--- You'll probably be going through a lot of kleenex for a while, but do not ever doubt yourself or your instincts or your incredible strength!!
:ghug
B.

Learning how

Startingover, :sorry I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

You must keep looking at his behavior. Too bad there isn't a mute button on him you could push when he starts talking.

He cares about himself. To make himself "look" good he has to make you look bad, evil, crazy, ..... whatever.

You are strong, you are taking care of business, keep it up!

rkymtncowboy

One thing I am seeing on this forum is a lot of sexism from the women here. There are guys that are al-non also. I am trying really hard but the sexism needs to STOP. MEN!

AmpHusky

I am also a man. All women aren't bad, nor men. It's the alcoholic that is the issue. The abuse from the A is just as bad from this side.

HopeandPrayer

Rkymtncowboy, I am sorry if it feels that way, I am sure that is not the way it is meant. I would like to believe that all of us here, wether male or female, have compassion for this young mother who has just walked in on her AH having relations with someone other than her.
If it were a young father in the same situation, I believe we would have the same compassion and sense of outrage for him if he were in the same situation. The first sentence in your quote was what her AH texted her.

Again I am sorry if sometimes it seems like sexism going on, I don't believe that is actually what is happening.
Barb

lisa1235

i didnt mean it sexiest guys. i meant and should of said... some men...im very sensitive on this issue because i dealt with someone like this 3 1/2 yrs and he con-vinced me it was the booze,the way i treated him,what i would and wouldnot do for him.bottom line it was him period.hes on messing up someone elses life(i know because was a friend of mine he became involved with)hes telling her the same thing.games..i just was expressing my anger and for people like this who hurt people they claim to love.it can be a real roller coaster and very tramatic to go threw.it almost destroys you trust in others you become involved with.for me im not dating right now and dont have any plans soon to do so.im still healing and it takes time.it couldve been a woman and my response would be the same..some women...im am not sexiest nor should this be a sexiest forum.so im sorry guys if you were offended.i dont think all men are alike nor are all women alike but there are a few bad apples in every bunch.and im just fed up with the bad apples.lily i just hope youtake care of you.dont cheat yourself out of happiness.you and your baby deserve happy and healthy relationships.he is your babys father and he should be a father to her but that doesnt mean you take emotional abuse its not good for anyone.time is a precious thing i know im not going to waste anymore in a bad relationship..i can wait..i've learned to bail earily now at the first sign of abuse and i dont give it a second thought.when the right one comes i want to be avalible not involved with a jerk.:sorry

AmpHusky

I said it in another post, it seems the sex with strangers, or them latching on to another sucker hurts the most. It is the disease and we need to get out from under it. All these post from non A's tells me there are alot of men and women who want to love and make love to someone who means it.

We will all find new love again that is meaningful.

Barbara52

Maybe. Maybe not. Either way my life is better and I see nothing but greater growth and personal satisfaction. I do not need a new love in my life to be very happy and satisfied with my life.

CatsPajamas

You know, Barbara, I've been doing some reading about that very topic. I believe I have found a new love, and it's love of self. For the first time in my life, I realize that I am enough. I may or may not find a mate, but either way I know I will be OK.

Cats

Pajarito

(((Startingover))) I am so sorry you walked in on him. It's painful- I have been through STBXAH's emotional infidelity- and that is hard enough to deal with, so I can only imagine what you are feeling. Mine is dating the last woman he had an emotional affair with, and has had no qualms about telling me how attractive she is or how he's attracted to her. And like yours, he tried to blame me for his indiscretions- I was cold, I wasn't affectionate, I didn't want enough sex, I never trusted him, etc. Well, I wonder why? It's taken me a long time not to buy into his bs. I hope you can separate the reality from his bs. From what you have posted here, I see nothing but a strong, loving woman who is trying to stand up for herself and her child. I hope you can see that in yourself. You are worth so much more than what he can offer. Maybe what you saw was meant to be- as painful as it was. It's reality. There's no more wondering. Take care of yourself and your child.

Stubborn1

This may sound horrible but your story will be all to familiar with the police station. It's a typical domestic situation especially when an alcoholic and a child are involved.
The best thing you can do is to stay away from him.
If he wants to see his daughter have the courts set up supervised visitations.
I know you have a ton of emotions flooding through because you have a baby and I'm sure you would have liked the picture perfect mommy and daddy story. I know I did. It's very hard to let go of that idea.
It took me a long time.
We are good parents if we don't force the father to be a part of their childs life. They will know in time.
You know your child is worth loving and everything will be his loss. I looked at my husband at one point as a sperm donor and that's it.
It's not worth your time and effort to fight or argue with him. Leave him be. In time, not so far from now you will look back and wished all that time and energy would have been spent on your child and not one blink of an eye wasted on him. He's trash.
You are a beautiful, caring mother. If you have your daughters best interest at heart then give her the best of ALL of YOU.
You'll be in my prayers.

Startingover2

I have dropped the rope. I have cut it for good I hope. Part of me feels like I was meant to see what I did so I can have some closure and not hold out any hope of him changing. From now on its all baby business.

He was supposed to have his visit with baby yesterday. He text'd an hour before and said "Can't make it today. I have a fever from the infection." I had to laugh. Infection? An STD infection? Is his 'thingy' falling off now? Would serve him right. I don't really know what kind of infection and I didn't ask. So he missed his visit with her. He can wait until tomorrow now for his next visit.

One thing that did cross my mind is he told me awhile back that he started drinking heavy so he wouldn't take so many pills. I wonder if he is reverting back to the pills now?

FormerDoormat

It doesn't matter what he's doing or with whom. It only matters what you're doing.

Barbara52

I hope you have been tested recently. {hugs}

Startingover2

Sadly when I found out that AH had been with her during my pregnancy and the latest being when I was 5 weeks before delivery I had to be tested then and also at delivery. It was the most humiliating experience ever. Being 9 months pregnant and in labor being tested for std's.

Barbara52

Heck, when I had my last child (19 years ago) it was standard to be tested for AIDS during pregnancy. No biggie.

Stubborn1

Good girl. You are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it will open a whole new big bright beautiful world for that baby.
I know you want her to have a daddy but is he the one you want for her? He's already missing time with her? Out of all the days that he could have made an appt.
Let him know if he doesn't excersice his rights as a parent that he is in jeapordy to have them taken away

lisa1235

well i hope you settle this from the standpoint of principle before personality.it seems he knows how to upset you to divert youre mind into thinking about what you really should do.what im saying he'll get you so flusstered in his mess that you cant focuas on you and youre baby.whether or not you stay together he needs to support his child and visitation should be worked out.but if it is any question that hes drinking or using pills supervised visits would be more advisable.you dont need someone to beat youre spirit down.you have a daughter and should be a model for her developement.anytime you think of could you accept something ask yourself would that be ok for her to accept.i hope you know youre not alone and none of this has to do with you..basically its him...until he gets fed up with lying,cheating,and disrespecting others then he'll maybe seriously get his alcohol and pill habbit under control.in the mean time take care of yourself and as hard as it may be try and focuas on the positive of you finding out now than years down the road ..thats truley a blessing.remember its always darkest before the dawn and youre time will come theres no big hurry.im prayin 4 u.:ghug3