confused36

Sarah,
yes, alcohol was one of the reasons he is divorced. It may be the complete reason but I dont have a clue since we all know their are 3 sides to a divorce. his side, her side and correct version. I have often conteplated calling her up, but they have been in some custody fights over the last 2 years and I certainly dont want to give her any ammunition.. she doesnt drink, but I have had her in my home and have caught her myself in several lies so I know she isnt miss perfect either.

MY A's father drank and his grandfather drank as well as committed suicide by hanging. There is also an eating disorder that he says doesnt rear its ugly head until he starts drinking a lot. I havent seen pictures because he wont show them to be but I know he was very obese growing up.

One thing I have learned is I know I cant fix him only he can. The detaching and not worrying is the hard part.

He told me he admitted to his ex wife that he was an alcoholic but did it only because that was what she wanted to hear. He said his mind still told him he wasnt and could handle it. he said he never committed himself to AA because his mind was still telling him he didnt need it.

I found the percentages of AA recovery somewhere on the web today and had begun to tell him the percentages and dog gone if he didnt tell me instead. This man has done a complete 180 but I know it could still be a ploy. I KNOW THIS, I just have to remember it to protect myself. I know only time will tell.

I am going to AA tomorrow night with him. He says he wants me to see and learn and go to Alanon as well.

I think, is this a man that is trying to fool me by asking me to learn as much as possible to defend myself against him with?

We are going to church sunday as well. We both have faith but somewhere down the line because of different situations our faith has wavered.

But, I know I have only just begun and have much to see as well as learn. I am trying to keep my heart pushed down and go with my brain.

I cant wait to get the co-dependent book as I think it will also help me to deal with my mother as well. In light of things I found out tonight that she has been telling my 7 year old, I think its time for me to tell her she will have to start dividing her time between me and my brother and not just living with me.

She has drove me crazy for so long now I dont even feel like I live in my own home anymore. I respect her but there is no respect in return. My mother has brought me down very much and its has taken time for me to realize this. She is so bitter over losing my dad and is so lonely, (she is an introvert also) that she thinks nobody should be happy.

That is another thing. she has seen the bond that my A has formed with my son and has become jealous of it. I noticed this several months ago.

So I am dealing with more than just the A, I have actually been dealing with the co-dependency of my mother for several years now.

confused36

I went to the open AA meeting with my A tonight. It was kind of awkward at first. But, everybody made me feel at home and his group is a very diversified group, ie young and old.

I had to fight back tears however when he began his story by saying his name and that he was an alcoholic.

Day 6 with no alcohol. of course he is on antabuse but its been really nice. I havent seen him much but we have been communicating by phone. What has been surprising is he has not pressured me in any way.

It also seemed I was meant to go tonight because it seemed everything thing, every story that was said hit directly home to me. Even the passage that was read.

I honestly did not think he would tell his story tonight but he did. I have hope. I know I am still very guarded and will be as only time will tell.

Something interestingly that he said to me today, was it surprised him how much easier it is this time. I dont really know what that means. I do know I havent seen all the mood swings, irritability etc that usually comes when he has done without for a while.

confused36

Well, so good so far. My A is Still taking the antabuse. we all had a sit down me, my mom and my A last night for 3 hours. Needless to say nothing I told my mom of my feelings for so many years did anything but go in one ear and out the other.

I have decided that I need to detach from mom as much as i need to detach from my A. Found out mom has been putting things into my 7 year olds head. He sat in his room yesterday while I was at work and tore to shreds all of his yugio cards. He also old my mom last night not to make dad leave.

Needless to say, to make a long story short, I come home from work today and she was at it again. I didnt raise my voice, but told her she needed to go stay with my brother for a while. Actually my brother said he couldnt live with her but she could come stay for a while. She went to my cousins instead I guess to tell her side of the story since my brother doesnt believe her either.

Anyway, I feel better, I have my home back and no longer for the time being feel like a 18 year old searching for moms approval, which I never get anyway.

My A poured his heart out to her last night as well as I, me more about things between me and mom that has been occurring since my dad died. She has become way codependent on me and my son. All she could say today was I was as looney as my A and she hoped we had a happy life together. She is very manipulative. But anyway. for now, I have some peace as my A is gone for now and so is my mom. I feel like I have a little bit more control over my life. At least for a week till mom probably comes back. But I am going to insist that she stay with my brother for a while.

My A had his 2nd AA meeting tonight and now has a sponsor that turns out that they work at the same location. Anyway, he bought 2 new books at AA tonight and got off the phone with me because he wanted to start reading them. I couldnt believe it. My guard is still up as I know this is a long road. we are going to church sunday as well.

confused36

Well I got my book Codependent no more and read almost the whole thing before I put it down. It is an excellent book. I saw some things I was doing and am trying to make an effort to detach. What really disturbed me is I saw my mom more in this book as the codependent on me. So I am trying to work that as well. Except she is already in the obsessed stage.

My A is doing good. no alcohol for 14 days. of course he is taking antabuse. It is a little scary though because he says he hasnt even had an urge to drink. His mood is awesome, the little things dont bother him anymore. He has had a long talk with his children. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. Am i over reacting? I know it cant be this easy.

We went to church sunday with all the children and both of us literally cried while we were there. We are also going tonight as well. He is attending his AA meetings as scheduled. He has stated that he actually enjoys going. He is also the one that wanted to start attending wednesday night church as well.

Anyway, my mom is still living with me. I realized reading the book that I had to detach from her as well and has asked her to move out for now. She has several different options with that so I am not just throwing her out on her rearend. But she told me I was stupid, didnt know what I was doing and was a horrible mother! I have learned as well, that I have more or less always done what she wanted me to do so gain her respect. I see a lot more now since reading the book. Boy was that an eye opener.

She has told me however, that she is not moving out of MY house that it is for my own good and that I will have to call the police to have her put out. I am 36 years old and she is still treating me like a teenager. I have took care of this woman for the past 7 years in my own home. I am really at a loss, but I know that if I want my relationship to work as well, she has to leave for now as she despises my A.

Any ideas or help would be greatly appreciated right now.