I finally realized that I have to take it slow - trying to detach from ABF
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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I finally realized that I have to take it slow - trying to detach from ABF
I have posted before, but accidentally posted on the wrong board (no recovery in sight here...). My bf is addicted to pot, alcohol and he just said something that makes me wonder if he is also doing drugs (that would explain a lot...).
I have been trying to set boundaries and mostly failed miserably. We have been together for 2 years and lived together for most of the time, but he was never nearly as bad as he is now. He is hardly ever home (he used to love being home with me) and he is drunk every day (that's extreme for him). I was away for the summer and things were great when I left (June): he was sober, going to treatment, started a job he loved, etc. We couldn't communicate much over the summer because I was in Africa and didn't have regular access to phone and internet. When I came back, I came back to this and I did not see it coming. He is a mess. And I think he is also doing drugs...I will have to inquire about that tomorrow...
Every time he is drunk I promise myself that it's the last time I am putting up with it. I told him about boundaries, but then we both ignore them. I continue to let him in, to clean up after him, to get him up for work, and even to give him money (what in the world am I thinking??) although he makes more than I do.
But now I am determined to try little by little. Two days ago, for the first time, I did not wake him up and he was late for work. Today he came home drunk and for the first time I did not yell, cry, and show resentment (except when he wanted sex, but even then I politely told him no). What is interesting to me is that he is now angry with me, telling me I don't care. He is never like that when I am emotional, angry, and sad when he comes home drunk. Then he is sweet and guilt-ridden (or so it appears). Today I let him in, prepared the couch, and asked him to please lay down so I could go back to what I was doing. And he is mad at me! It is so strange.
I know all of this still sounds pretty pathetic, but it's huge for me.
I have been trying to set boundaries and mostly failed miserably. We have been together for 2 years and lived together for most of the time, but he was never nearly as bad as he is now. He is hardly ever home (he used to love being home with me) and he is drunk every day (that's extreme for him). I was away for the summer and things were great when I left (June): he was sober, going to treatment, started a job he loved, etc. We couldn't communicate much over the summer because I was in Africa and didn't have regular access to phone and internet. When I came back, I came back to this and I did not see it coming. He is a mess. And I think he is also doing drugs...I will have to inquire about that tomorrow...
Every time he is drunk I promise myself that it's the last time I am putting up with it. I told him about boundaries, but then we both ignore them. I continue to let him in, to clean up after him, to get him up for work, and even to give him money (what in the world am I thinking??) although he makes more than I do.
But now I am determined to try little by little. Two days ago, for the first time, I did not wake him up and he was late for work. Today he came home drunk and for the first time I did not yell, cry, and show resentment (except when he wanted sex, but even then I politely told him no). What is interesting to me is that he is now angry with me, telling me I don't care. He is never like that when I am emotional, angry, and sad when he comes home drunk. Then he is sweet and guilt-ridden (or so it appears). Today I let him in, prepared the couch, and asked him to please lay down so I could go back to what I was doing. And he is mad at me! It is so strange.
I know all of this still sounds pretty pathetic, but it's huge for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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But now I am determined to try little by little. Two days ago, for the first time, I did not wake him up and he was late for work. Today he came home drunk and for the first time I did not yell, cry, and show resentment (except when he wanted sex, but even then I politely told him no).
Awesome!! Good for you!
He is never like that when I am emotional, angry, and sad when he comes home drunk. Then he is sweet and guilt-ridden (or so it appears).
Exactly! Because when you are reacting, helping, provoking, etc., you are engaging in the familiar dance that allows him to keep drinking with minimum consequences. If you refuse to dance right there he has to face something - gf is not playing the game anymore. Remember: "Nothing gets in the way of their drinking." If you step out of the dance - that gets in his way.
what in the world am I thinking??
Good question. Step outside your situation and try to answer that as if you were asking a friend in the same position as you. What are you thinking? There is usually some pretty strong level of denial when we are involved in relationships with alcoholics/addicts. Maybe you are hoping he will change? Soon? Can you accept him and this relationship just as it is today? Is it acceptable to you if nothing changes. You know you cannot change him, not one bit. Are you in denial about that fact? Or about how bad things really are in this relationship? Or the seriousness of his problem?
Bravo on the baby steps. Just keep taking them, whether teeny tiny steps or great strides, they will move YOU forward.
Peace,
B.
Awesome!! Good for you!
He is never like that when I am emotional, angry, and sad when he comes home drunk. Then he is sweet and guilt-ridden (or so it appears).
Exactly! Because when you are reacting, helping, provoking, etc., you are engaging in the familiar dance that allows him to keep drinking with minimum consequences. If you refuse to dance right there he has to face something - gf is not playing the game anymore. Remember: "Nothing gets in the way of their drinking." If you step out of the dance - that gets in his way.
what in the world am I thinking??
Good question. Step outside your situation and try to answer that as if you were asking a friend in the same position as you. What are you thinking? There is usually some pretty strong level of denial when we are involved in relationships with alcoholics/addicts. Maybe you are hoping he will change? Soon? Can you accept him and this relationship just as it is today? Is it acceptable to you if nothing changes. You know you cannot change him, not one bit. Are you in denial about that fact? Or about how bad things really are in this relationship? Or the seriousness of his problem?
Bravo on the baby steps. Just keep taking them, whether teeny tiny steps or great strides, they will move YOU forward.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you Bernadette! I just typed a long reply, but I lost it. I will type it up again a little later. But what just puzzles me:
He was angry at me for not being angry and hurtful. He was angry at me being calm and told me I don't care. What is it about my anger and resentment that is so much part of this dance?
Because when you are reacting, helping, provoking, etc., you are engaging in the familiar dance that allows him to keep drinking with minimum consequences. If you refuse to dance right there he has to face something - gf is not playing the game anymore. Remember: "Nothing gets in the way of their drinking." If you step out of the dance - that gets in his way.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
I often don't respond to posts, because I am not the best at wording things, and don't want it to come out wrong. But I will do my best on this one, because I live with my abf also, and am trying to detach. My bf would also accuse me of not caring, when I finally started caring more for myself.
I think that with their way of thinking, if they are messing up as a result of their drinking, then if you react to it by showing anger, resentment, bitterness, or whatever, in their mind they tell themselves "this is why I drink, see what I have to deal with". It puts the focus on YOU, and takes it off of him. If you are seemingly calm, and don't yell or get upset, then the focus is left on him, he has no reason to blame you, and it leaves him to deal with his own issues.
He was angry at me for not being angry and hurtful. He was angry at me being calm and told me I don't care. What is it about my anger and resentment that is so much part of this dance?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
What is it about my anger and resentment that is so much part of this dance?
When you are angry, resentful, reacting, you said he gets to play sweet, apologetic, and guilt-ridden. And maybe he sucks you in back in a little and you believe what he says while he is showing this sweet side. And even more - HE believes what he is saying because you are believing it. You are upset, angry, filling your own head with all the justification for your anger etc. You aren't focusing on yourself and how maybe this isn't what you really want out of life.
Then, does anything change? No. You said it yourself. Everytime he gets drunk you say it is the last time. But then you have the argument, maybe make-up, YOU get your FIX, and nothing changes.
Say he gets drunk again, but this time you let him fall. He cleans up his own mess. You aren't angry or reactionary because he is an adult and these are HIS choices he is making. There is no "dance session" of anger, apology, promises. He is not given the opportunity to play the wounded soul, the apologetic lover etc. There is only him, in REALITY, left to deal with his choice, his mess, his alarm clock.
Your energy, instead of getting caught up in another round of FUTILE argument w/ an alcoholic, stays focused clearly on yourself, on your position in this very REAL repetitive situation, and on how you want YOUR life to be. You have your own problems and issues you should be dealing with right? We all do!!
Does anything change? Well now that you have taken the focus off the alcoholic and the alcoholism you have the opportunity to change yourself.
Every time he is drunk I promise myself that it's the last time I am putting up with it. I told him about boundaries, but then we both ignore them. I continue to let him in, to clean up after him, to get him up for work, and even to give him money (what in the world am I thinking??) although he makes more than I do.
Maybe stop all these enabling behaviors, hand him the telephone number to AA, let it (both the drinking or the recovery) be 100% his problem and his choice, let go, and see how quickly things change for YOU! For the better.
It helped me when I learned at AlAnon that everything I did for my Abrothers that they could/should have been doing for themslves was enabling their drinking and helping bring them one drink closer to death. I was hurting them, seriously, by my enabling. I can still love them and support them as best I can emotionally(but even that has to have limits!) but I will do my very best not to enable their self-destructive disease.
Good luck-- it sounds like you've already started changing the steps to that sick dance-- looking forward to hearing how you are doing! Remember: progress not perfection!!
Peace,
B.
When you are angry, resentful, reacting, you said he gets to play sweet, apologetic, and guilt-ridden. And maybe he sucks you in back in a little and you believe what he says while he is showing this sweet side. And even more - HE believes what he is saying because you are believing it. You are upset, angry, filling your own head with all the justification for your anger etc. You aren't focusing on yourself and how maybe this isn't what you really want out of life.
Then, does anything change? No. You said it yourself. Everytime he gets drunk you say it is the last time. But then you have the argument, maybe make-up, YOU get your FIX, and nothing changes.
Say he gets drunk again, but this time you let him fall. He cleans up his own mess. You aren't angry or reactionary because he is an adult and these are HIS choices he is making. There is no "dance session" of anger, apology, promises. He is not given the opportunity to play the wounded soul, the apologetic lover etc. There is only him, in REALITY, left to deal with his choice, his mess, his alarm clock.
Your energy, instead of getting caught up in another round of FUTILE argument w/ an alcoholic, stays focused clearly on yourself, on your position in this very REAL repetitive situation, and on how you want YOUR life to be. You have your own problems and issues you should be dealing with right? We all do!!
Does anything change? Well now that you have taken the focus off the alcoholic and the alcoholism you have the opportunity to change yourself.
Every time he is drunk I promise myself that it's the last time I am putting up with it. I told him about boundaries, but then we both ignore them. I continue to let him in, to clean up after him, to get him up for work, and even to give him money (what in the world am I thinking??) although he makes more than I do.
Maybe stop all these enabling behaviors, hand him the telephone number to AA, let it (both the drinking or the recovery) be 100% his problem and his choice, let go, and see how quickly things change for YOU! For the better.
It helped me when I learned at AlAnon that everything I did for my Abrothers that they could/should have been doing for themslves was enabling their drinking and helping bring them one drink closer to death. I was hurting them, seriously, by my enabling. I can still love them and support them as best I can emotionally(but even that has to have limits!) but I will do my very best not to enable their self-destructive disease.
Good luck-- it sounds like you've already started changing the steps to that sick dance-- looking forward to hearing how you are doing! Remember: progress not perfection!!
Peace,
B.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Sounds like you are on your way...
Detachment takes practice.
Have you tried Al-Anon...you can learn alot about detachment and boundaries...
Al-Anon states that detachment does not necessarily mean physical detachment, but emotional detachment...some can handle that while others like myself had to physically separate:
Detachment is:
1) not allowing my moods to be dictated by someone else's soberity, reactions, emotions, and moods.
2) not manipulating any situation to get the A to get up, eat, not drink, or behave a certain way.
3) not create a crisis
4) not prevent a crisis if it is deemed the natural course of events
5) not search or seek out empty bottles, signs of drinking, or other telltale signs of use.
Remember: Love must have three components-compassion, justice, and discipline. To give love or to receive love without these will eventually destroy it.
By focusing on ourselves and our behavior, we can work on the only thing we have control over: ourself. Leaving him to work out his own problems will give him a better chance at success. To allow ourselves to become their caretaker, their enabler, and their victim makes us accomplices to their invasion of responsibility.
You sound like you are doing great. Remember one day at a time...try Al-Anon...it will give you a solid foundation of a program. Keep posting!
Detachment takes practice.
Have you tried Al-Anon...you can learn alot about detachment and boundaries...
Al-Anon states that detachment does not necessarily mean physical detachment, but emotional detachment...some can handle that while others like myself had to physically separate:
Detachment is:
1) not allowing my moods to be dictated by someone else's soberity, reactions, emotions, and moods.
2) not manipulating any situation to get the A to get up, eat, not drink, or behave a certain way.
3) not create a crisis
4) not prevent a crisis if it is deemed the natural course of events
5) not search or seek out empty bottles, signs of drinking, or other telltale signs of use.
Remember: Love must have three components-compassion, justice, and discipline. To give love or to receive love without these will eventually destroy it.
By focusing on ourselves and our behavior, we can work on the only thing we have control over: ourself. Leaving him to work out his own problems will give him a better chance at success. To allow ourselves to become their caretaker, their enabler, and their victim makes us accomplices to their invasion of responsibility.
You sound like you are doing great. Remember one day at a time...try Al-Anon...it will give you a solid foundation of a program. Keep posting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you all so much! This is really helping me to keep reflecting on my own behavior and the conclusions are not pretty. Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences. Soconfused, I hope you are moving ahead in your efforts to detach.
I managed to NOT clean up his mess that night. He knocked over his precious computer and I left it there. He wet himself and I didn't lift a finger. It was nice. And he seemed different. I am not yet sure of what to make of it, but it was definitely a personal success and it feels good. I wasn't quite so successful last night (I became very angry and sad), but at least I was able to pull myself out and go to bed. It's ok, I guess I am aloud to relapse, too.
Bernadette, you said Right, exactly. I always take care of everything, I am always the mediator, I want to fix everything, I hate tension, I have compassion for everything and everyone, I can't break up with men because *gasp* it might make them sad and how in the world are they supposed to live without me, anyway?? I could go on and on, but the time might be better spend finding a therapist and getting my car fixed so I can go to a meeting. Thanks for posting the info on detachment, Silverberry!
Two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have major surgery. My family lives abroad and it was right when the semester ended, so most of my friends left town for Christmas break. I was scared and sad because while the surgery took care of the cancer, it had other sad consequences. The funny part is that I was doing well emotionally at the hospital and during recovery. I had fantastic and genuinely caring doctors, I had just met ABF who was extremely supportive. All I had to do was watch TV and read. I told a good friend of mine that I am still puzzled that I was very emotionally stable at the time. I cried here and there, but overall I was doing well. She said: "Well, that's because for once you took care of yourself. It was all about you. You took the liberty to pamper yourself, to ask others for help, to not worry about anything but your recovery and dealing with your illness, and to cry about YOUR problems." And she is absolutely right.
ABF has not come home after work and just called that he will be home shortly and I know he wanted me to be happyt that he is not plastered. And now he is frustrated that I did not break out in cheers.
I was on the phone with my mom the other day and she sounded so happy and I wanted to say that I am happy, too. My family is so far away and I am glad they don't know what's going on. But I don't want to lie to them anymore. I finally told one of my very close friends what is going on. That was a big step, too, because heaven forbid I speak negatively about those who step all over me...
Thank you all for letting me vent here. I wish I had found this place sooner.
I managed to NOT clean up his mess that night. He knocked over his precious computer and I left it there. He wet himself and I didn't lift a finger. It was nice. And he seemed different. I am not yet sure of what to make of it, but it was definitely a personal success and it feels good. I wasn't quite so successful last night (I became very angry and sad), but at least I was able to pull myself out and go to bed. It's ok, I guess I am aloud to relapse, too.
Bernadette, you said
Everytime he gets drunk you say it is the last time. But then you have the argument, maybe make-up, YOU get your FIX, and nothing changes.
Two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have major surgery. My family lives abroad and it was right when the semester ended, so most of my friends left town for Christmas break. I was scared and sad because while the surgery took care of the cancer, it had other sad consequences. The funny part is that I was doing well emotionally at the hospital and during recovery. I had fantastic and genuinely caring doctors, I had just met ABF who was extremely supportive. All I had to do was watch TV and read. I told a good friend of mine that I am still puzzled that I was very emotionally stable at the time. I cried here and there, but overall I was doing well. She said: "Well, that's because for once you took care of yourself. It was all about you. You took the liberty to pamper yourself, to ask others for help, to not worry about anything but your recovery and dealing with your illness, and to cry about YOUR problems." And she is absolutely right.
ABF has not come home after work and just called that he will be home shortly and I know he wanted me to be happyt that he is not plastered. And now he is frustrated that I did not break out in cheers.
I was on the phone with my mom the other day and she sounded so happy and I wanted to say that I am happy, too. My family is so far away and I am glad they don't know what's going on. But I don't want to lie to them anymore. I finally told one of my very close friends what is going on. That was a big step, too, because heaven forbid I speak negatively about those who step all over me...
Thank you all for letting me vent here. I wish I had found this place sooner.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Right, exactly. I always take care of everything, I am always the mediator, I want to fix everything, I hate tension, I have compassion for everything and everyone, I can't break up with men because *gasp* it might make them sad and how in the world are they supposed to live without me, anyway?? I could go on and on,
Hi Kimmie--
These are all classic codependency traits. It can be a tough cycle to break. You might try reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It's a great starter manual! Just reading your post it seems like the veil is lifting for you-- and that feeling - even though it is scary - because you are upsetting old patterns and because it just doesn't feel right (guilt!) to focus on yourself or take care of numero uno- if you can just keep walking through the discomfort for a few more steps you will find peace and serenity on the other side of this insanity.
What an interesting comment by your friend about how you finally stopped to take care of yourself when you were really sick - and asked for help! We codies are usually seen as so capable, so together that no one offers us help and it is very hard for us to ask and even harder sometimes to ACCEPT help! It's a crazy dynamic. I'm glad you got through that - I hope you are well.
AlAnon and books and individual therapy helped me enormously. I am so glad you are here! There are so many wise people here - collectively I think the people on SR have seen everything so you never have to feel ashamed or alone - even when you "relapse!!"
Peace-
B.
Hi Kimmie--
These are all classic codependency traits. It can be a tough cycle to break. You might try reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It's a great starter manual! Just reading your post it seems like the veil is lifting for you-- and that feeling - even though it is scary - because you are upsetting old patterns and because it just doesn't feel right (guilt!) to focus on yourself or take care of numero uno- if you can just keep walking through the discomfort for a few more steps you will find peace and serenity on the other side of this insanity.
What an interesting comment by your friend about how you finally stopped to take care of yourself when you were really sick - and asked for help! We codies are usually seen as so capable, so together that no one offers us help and it is very hard for us to ask and even harder sometimes to ACCEPT help! It's a crazy dynamic. I'm glad you got through that - I hope you are well.
AlAnon and books and individual therapy helped me enormously. I am so glad you are here! There are so many wise people here - collectively I think the people on SR have seen everything so you never have to feel ashamed or alone - even when you "relapse!!"
Peace-
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you Bernadette! I just saw that our library has that book and I will check it out tomorrow. I had a conversation with him last night which would not have gone so well if not for this board.
He told me that I make him drink more because he cannot be himself and so on and so forth. I had none of it. I believe he realized a few things. In how far it will help with his addiction, I don't know. But I will not be turned into the bad guy. It was a good conversation. I refused to be manipulated and it worked (for now). :bounce
And I am cured - no more cancer!
He told me that I make him drink more because he cannot be himself and so on and so forth. I had none of it. I believe he realized a few things. In how far it will help with his addiction, I don't know. But I will not be turned into the bad guy. It was a good conversation. I refused to be manipulated and it worked (for now). :bounce
And I am cured - no more cancer!
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