sketscher

It's just amazing to me. How an alcoholic can twist your words and pretend everything is your fault. Tonight it's my fault. Tonight I'm the bad guy. My crime? Eating supper at the 4:30!! The details are redundant but I spent a very worthless 15 minutes on the phone with a drunk man trying to make me feel guilty for eating early and blowing him off to do some work on my house with my dad.

Right now I simply feel near hate towards him. He talked to me with such an angry and insulting tone, trying to manipulate the situation and put everything on my shoulders. He's angry at me for calling out his current state. Guess he shouldn't feel the least bit guilty for being drunk and watching Platoon in front of a 9 year old should he? Because he's "trying". what a load of you know what.... trying? trying what?

I haven't been this insulted angry at since the last time I said goodbye.

Spiritual Seeker

Don't get sucked into his insanity. You know better.
But we just can't help but get p*****off at this kind of nonsense
don't let the anger linger...cuz it only hurts you.

rkymtncowboy

Hey, It doesn't get any better when they get sober, at least in my case.
We were on vacation and leaving a waterfall. I have a F-250 and when I open the doors do not let go of them they are heavy and do great damage to car next if something happens. My recovering AW opens the door and just leaves it there. I get in the truck and it hits another car next to us making some pretty good damage. She blames me and says it is my fault.
I can't control every little thing she does. She does have over a year sobriety though so good for her.
We are now divorcing, I had enough and she has, she beat me to filing.

denny57

Sketscher, what are you getting out of this situation?

Seeking Wisdom

I went through so many years of the very same type of manipulation.

One of the best things I have learned over the last few years is... never try to reason with an active alcoholic...their reality is distorted and their thought processes are irrational. I wish I could go back in time, and learn to just shrug my shoulders and walk away when my AH began his irrational tirades and insults. I made the mistake of taking him seriously for too long...when in fact it was a precious waste of time and energy ... and he never really changed because of anything I said or did. Remember you are a trying to reason with an addicted mind... not a rational one... which is pretty much a lost cause.

sketscher

you all are right!

Currently I am getting nothing from this relationship, oh except rapid fire insults, complete negativity, suicidal phone calls (one once at 2 am).

After he stated so clearly that he doesn't want a woman in his life as a girlfriend or wife a few weeks ago I began to move on and do things to promote a happy future for myself. I went back to school because in 6 mos I will be unemployed. I went back to Weight Watchers because I want to be healthy great about my body again. I began shopping for clothes to update my look and wardrobe for my future job and just to generally look nicer and feel good about myself. And last but not least I began doing things on nights when I'd normally hang out with XABF, like hanging out with friends or my family. And what has he done in this time? He's still unemployed and hardly makes an effort to look for work. He's gotten back I'd say full swing into drinking again. All this I believe is really at the root of his nasty outburst last night. I know this yet I still want in the aftermath an acknowledgment from him, an apology of sorts. As though that is going to change anything. I know this won't.

I was trying to bide my time with him because he's in the middle of siding my house. Actually he's nearly done. He has done a fantastic job of this! I was so proud because for the most part it was done while he was sober and he were working together very nicely as friends and my house looks 1000x better. But lately his motivation has nearly vanished, his drinking has increased. More and more it looks like he could bail on this project and blame me for making him too angry at me to finish. And I really don't want that to happen. he and I both know what this is really about and if it comes to that I am going to be honest with my family (also helping me on my house). I guess I feel like I want him to be the one to bail on me before I take other measures to finish my house. I really don't want to have to. I'd really like to be as we were a few months ago, when indeed I was getting something very positive out of this relationship. But I know...I can't control this situation.

well, thanks for being here to help me see things more clearly.

Freedom1990

For me, doing things like that was still allowing the alcoholic to control my life.

Is having him finish the siding project (if he does) and hoping he's the first to bail worth your peace of mind?

Just something to think about.

tormented22267

Hi Sketscher!

I was doing the same types of things w/my XABF. We broke up, but were talking while he was supposedly going to AA. He said he was going to take my pool down for me - and, I will be gone next weekend and he was supposed to watch my animals and house for me - and, he was supposed to drive me to the event I am going to next Friday. This has been planned for a year, it's a big weekend for me, and I was counting on him to do these things for me.

Then, I was leaving the other day and he comes to say hi to me, very drunk, tells me he was at an AA meeting (really? you got drunk at an AA meeting?), then proceeds to get beligerent w/me and get angry that I was ACCUSING him of drinking.

I had enough. Enough of him, enough of the lies, enough of the mean, horrible tyrants, enough of being anywhere near an alcoholic. I told him I was through, I wanted zero contact with him, and proceeded to take care of the things I was waiting on him to do.

I rolled up my sleeves and took that pool down by my damn self!! It was hard, but I did it. I called my XH (not an A) and he agreed to take one of my dogs next weekend, a friend of mine agreed to take my other dog, and my Mom will come get my mail. I bought a timer for my lights in the house. And, I decided I will just take a cab to the event next weekend. I have to be there at 4am & don't want to inconvenience anyone else to take me that early, and I can't leave my car at this place all weekend. So, spending $40 on a cab ride, is way better than letting go of my sanity by trying to count on this A to drive me there!

So there - I really didn't need him to take my pool down; I don't need him to watch my animals & house; and, I don't need him to take me to the event.

In fact, I don't need him for anything! That's a great feeling!

I realized that me wanting him to do those things was just another 'excuse' to keep him around a while longer. If your family is helping w/your siding - maybe they could finish the job for you. That way, you won't have the extra burden of waiting for you XABF to finish the job for you.

Hugs and strength to you!!

denny57

These are all great external actions. What internal action is being taken?


One of the hardest things I had to face about myself was my excessive use of rationalization.

It seems there are others available to help finish the siding. So, what is the real reason? When I started facing the hard truths about myself and my motivations real changes started to occur. My sponsor in Al Anon and my therapist were particularly helpful in keeping me honest.

sketscher

I am beginning to get that feeling about things myself. I do need people to help me once in awhile but it doesn't have to be him.

As far as the siding, I'm about ready to tackle it myself. I actually think I might be able to handle it. It might be hard, it might not look as good as XABF's job, but it's only one wall and it's in the back.

My dad helped me a great deal with obstacles that were in the way of the actual siding, today as a matter of fact he completed the last of these. All day he kept referring to xabf "this will make xabf happy" "he'll figure that out" etc. I guess i am just embarrassed that things have so quickly gotten so terrible between us again, I feel like it's a reflection on me to get close to this sick person again. And I don't think my dad would understand just what this guy puts me through or how bad he gets when he's drunk. They've seen him drunk, but drunk and funny, not cruel and stupid. You guys understand! But xabf puts up a great front when he's around certain people. His mom for example, his ex wife's family, me when we first met. Well i don't have to explain manipulation to you guys.

Anyway what a great feeling it would be to have him come back to get his tools and see the job completed, or at least in progress without him.

denny57

Why?

Sketscher, I've been there. As long as my "great feelings" came from watching xAH, or anyone else for that matter, "get theirs," I got nowhere.

Dig deep.

YellowRed

Agree with Denny57. I spent way too much time wanting to show stbxAH that I could do eveything by myself without him etc - until someone pointed out to me that I was so hung up on doing so because I was hoping he might regret losing me. I wanted him to fele sorry. This was a complete and utter waste of time and really hampered my ability to recover FOR MYSELF. I was still focused on him.

Sounds like you have great support and a great plan for things to do for yourself - you just need to let him go and really be ready to focus on you and not him. Good luck with it.