worriedwife2

Hello,

I have posted here a few times, not sure if you will remember me or not. I am working on detaching with love from my AH. I am not ready to leave yet. I am having the most problems in one area. I keep checking his cell phone online to see who he has called. On top of alcohol, he was also addicted to pain pills after his knee replacement.

I have suspected a few times in the last few months that he has been getting pills again. I know I cannot stop him, but I feel this nagging need to know if he is. So anytime I see a suspicious number on his phone, I get all tangled up inside again. There hasn't been many.

I just don't want to be lied to all the time again. But, I guess if he is going to do it, he is going to do it whether I know or not. I guess I feel if I know, that will make me less hurt. Although, I know this is his business and if he goes down that path again, HE has to deal with it, not me. How do I keep myself from detaching from this phone thing.

Do you have any words of advice to help me let go and let God in this area. I don't even know if any of these calls mean anything. Why do I feel I need to know every detail of his life. It is his life, right? He has been better with coming home, not perfect, but a lot better.

Thanks in advance. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Chris

Lilyflower

Hi worriedwife it's good to see you posting again!

All I would say is are you working on your own recovery? You see what helped me the most with detaching from my abf's behaviour when we were together was to keep the focus on me, my behaviours, my issues, my insecurities and keep working on healing me from the inside out.

That way my days became so full of how to make the most of my life and how to make me feel happy, that what he did or didn't do stopped nagging at me.

Just as a side thought, has your husband found sobriety and working a programme? In my experience and what I have seen is that if you watch the behaviours and they are still moody, dissmissive, arguementative, secretive etc etc, then odds are they are using and hiding it. JMO.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

worriedwife2

Lilyflower,

Thanks for your response. I am trying to work on myself, this issue of needing to know nags at me. I guess I am not working hard enough on me to become obsessed with me for a lack of a better term.

I do think he is still using. He is not in any kind of recovery. He is in denial when I ask him if he is. Why do I ask. I know he is lying, so why do I even ask.

Thanks again.
Chris

tormented22267

I too was very obsessed with everything about XABF. I used to check his phone bills, check his myspace, check his ex-wife's myspace. I drove myself crazy! My stomach would honestly start to hurt when I got on the computer in anticipation of what I would find.

For me, I started by telling myself 'just for today, I will not check anything'. Then I would do anything and everything to keep myself away from those sites. I'd not go on the computer at all; if I did get on the computer I'd come here to SR; I'd go outside, take a walk, cut the grass; stay in and run the vacumn; watch a good show I had taped; anything! Just anything to stop me from checking.

The first few days it was a struggle - I found myself obsessing over what to do to not check on him, instead of obsessing over checking on him (crazy huh?). But, honestly, it has gotten easier. I now find myself going for a couple or a few days without even 'thinking' about checking on him.

I haven't checked anything on his myspace or phone or anything in over 3 weeks. I have been much more at peace, and definately less stressed and worried. There is nothing I can do about what I find, so why look??

I hope this helps...

Hugs!!

Barbara52

Since knowing won't be any differnet than not knowing, try working on stopping yourself from doing the checking. If it is a behavior you want to stop, there are all sorts of tricks to get yourself to pause just that secodn ro 2 that may let you think it thru before you engage in the checking up. For instance, many have said they found it helpful to have a rubber band around their wrist that they snap anytime they start thinking about doing what they want to stop doing.