New Here-having a bad day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 10
New Here-having a bad day
This is my first time posting, but I am grateful to have found this board.
My boyfriend is the alcoholic in my life. We have lived together for 5 years, have a 2 yo daughter and I am 7 months pregnant. Since the birth of our daughter, my bf has tried to control his drinking (85 days was the longest) and made all the rights moves like changing jobs and people he associated with to avoid drinking. He flat out rejects AA or counseling - his father is a mean alcoholic who has taught him that there is great shame in admitting you have any problems. My BF had 4 DUI's and not a day in jail or any counseling.
I plan to attend an Al Anon meeting but have no family nearby and very few friends left, and have not been able to find a sitter yet, but am working on it. Since I have become pregnant with our second (a boy), my BF has become worse than I ever remember him being. He went back to work for his former employer, which is a blue-collar job where they actually drink on the job, in the van, after work, etc., every day. We moved 2 months ago, and since that time he has not come home on the weekends, and left for 2 weeks straight once. I had it out with him 3 days ago, and told him that I wanted him gone if he could not get help, as I can now see the effect of his lies and drinking on our daughter. He swore he would do better, and for 2 whole days he did. It is also devastating to me at this time due to my hormones being out of control with the pregnancy. I think I have spent 90% of today crying. He told me he was going on a work sponsored fishing trip yesterday, and would be home right after, and then would work only this morning. He never came home, I reached him this morning, and he apologized for not calling, with little excuse, and said he would be home at 2 after work to spend the rest of the day with our daughter. I called him at 3 and he said he would be home shortly, and I gave him a list of things to bring home (like Milk, etc.). Well, now I need the items for dinner, he has shut off his cell phones again, and I am just so tired and beaten down spiritually that I do not know how I can continue.
I read the advice on here, and it helps definitely, and I know I am so at the beginning of any type of healing and doing everything wrong (calling him, relying on him), but I need HELP, and I am so tired, and I can usually pull it together and do it all for me and my daughter but I swear I think he has taken the life right from me, and I cannot hold it togther. I am hurt, I am furious, and I want him to pay, and I want to hurt him like he is hurting us now, and I cannot stand that he is getting away with all of this and I feel so trapped. WHen he left for 2 weeks, I was immediately left with no money (I work FT, but daycare and groceries take all of my salary), so I am reliant on him for rent, bills, etc. There is no help out there that I can find for pregnant single mothers - my SIL's advice was to quit my decent job, move in with my parents (400 miles away) and go on welfare, since I caused this mess by having children with him. I do not want to give up my life that I built before him and quit my job in this economy so I can disappear and be totally crushed by him. I was a real together woman at one point who put myself through college and have supported myself for a very long time, and I am ashamed of the woman I have become.
Enough whining I guess. I plan to buy the "CoDependent no More" book, and practice detaching and focusing on myself, but I don't even know how I can get through today. WHat do you do at the really rough spots to find yourself again?
Thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long.
My boyfriend is the alcoholic in my life. We have lived together for 5 years, have a 2 yo daughter and I am 7 months pregnant. Since the birth of our daughter, my bf has tried to control his drinking (85 days was the longest) and made all the rights moves like changing jobs and people he associated with to avoid drinking. He flat out rejects AA or counseling - his father is a mean alcoholic who has taught him that there is great shame in admitting you have any problems. My BF had 4 DUI's and not a day in jail or any counseling.
I plan to attend an Al Anon meeting but have no family nearby and very few friends left, and have not been able to find a sitter yet, but am working on it. Since I have become pregnant with our second (a boy), my BF has become worse than I ever remember him being. He went back to work for his former employer, which is a blue-collar job where they actually drink on the job, in the van, after work, etc., every day. We moved 2 months ago, and since that time he has not come home on the weekends, and left for 2 weeks straight once. I had it out with him 3 days ago, and told him that I wanted him gone if he could not get help, as I can now see the effect of his lies and drinking on our daughter. He swore he would do better, and for 2 whole days he did. It is also devastating to me at this time due to my hormones being out of control with the pregnancy. I think I have spent 90% of today crying. He told me he was going on a work sponsored fishing trip yesterday, and would be home right after, and then would work only this morning. He never came home, I reached him this morning, and he apologized for not calling, with little excuse, and said he would be home at 2 after work to spend the rest of the day with our daughter. I called him at 3 and he said he would be home shortly, and I gave him a list of things to bring home (like Milk, etc.). Well, now I need the items for dinner, he has shut off his cell phones again, and I am just so tired and beaten down spiritually that I do not know how I can continue.
I read the advice on here, and it helps definitely, and I know I am so at the beginning of any type of healing and doing everything wrong (calling him, relying on him), but I need HELP, and I am so tired, and I can usually pull it together and do it all for me and my daughter but I swear I think he has taken the life right from me, and I cannot hold it togther. I am hurt, I am furious, and I want him to pay, and I want to hurt him like he is hurting us now, and I cannot stand that he is getting away with all of this and I feel so trapped. WHen he left for 2 weeks, I was immediately left with no money (I work FT, but daycare and groceries take all of my salary), so I am reliant on him for rent, bills, etc. There is no help out there that I can find for pregnant single mothers - my SIL's advice was to quit my decent job, move in with my parents (400 miles away) and go on welfare, since I caused this mess by having children with him. I do not want to give up my life that I built before him and quit my job in this economy so I can disappear and be totally crushed by him. I was a real together woman at one point who put myself through college and have supported myself for a very long time, and I am ashamed of the woman I have become.
Enough whining I guess. I plan to buy the "CoDependent no More" book, and practice detaching and focusing on myself, but I don't even know how I can get through today. WHat do you do at the really rough spots to find yourself again?
Thanks for listening. Sorry this is so long.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Hopeful.
Welcome to the recovery forums. I can certainly identify with the let down and cornered feelings you're experiencing. Also the anger. It sounds like it would be pretty tough for you to make a move away right now, but I'd urge you to keep thinking about it and making a plan. Just knowing that you can escape can make the situation more livable. In the meantime, check with the local alanon groups and see if the ones you can get to allow children. Many do.
I know it's maddening, but when you are in a living situation with someone like this, it's best for your peace of mind to not count on them. If you weren't expecting him to show up with groceries, you would have made provisions yourself, right? And you're angry because you are without something you need because you relied on him. So don't. It will give you one less thing to be angry about. And you need to bank some serenity if you have to tough this out for awhile.
In the "power posts" on this forum (up at the top) is a post started by Ann called "How to have fun when you don't feel like having fun." Just a few ideas from some members on ways to get your thoughts off the alcoholic and onto yourself. Good distractions. Sounds like you could use some.
Please keep posting.
Hugs,
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forums. I can certainly identify with the let down and cornered feelings you're experiencing. Also the anger. It sounds like it would be pretty tough for you to make a move away right now, but I'd urge you to keep thinking about it and making a plan. Just knowing that you can escape can make the situation more livable. In the meantime, check with the local alanon groups and see if the ones you can get to allow children. Many do.
I know it's maddening, but when you are in a living situation with someone like this, it's best for your peace of mind to not count on them. If you weren't expecting him to show up with groceries, you would have made provisions yourself, right? And you're angry because you are without something you need because you relied on him. So don't. It will give you one less thing to be angry about. And you need to bank some serenity if you have to tough this out for awhile.
In the "power posts" on this forum (up at the top) is a post started by Ann called "How to have fun when you don't feel like having fun." Just a few ideas from some members on ways to get your thoughts off the alcoholic and onto yourself. Good distractions. Sounds like you could use some.
Please keep posting.
Hugs,
Smoke
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
HI There Hopefull,
So glad to have you here. I can really feel your pain! My AH did something similar 2 weeks ago. Honestly hon, I left in Gods hands ultimately. I know that I have no control over my AH but I do have control of my actions and reactions. I also have 2 kids and they have been the reason for me knowing that if I need to leave I have somewhere to go. You should have something in place should the need arrive.
Concentrate on your kids and yourself. I agree with smoke. The less you depend on him the fewer things there will be to get upset about. Keep posting there is alot of good info here and caring people who are the greatest.
Lots Of Hugs Sent Your Way,
maryl
So glad to have you here. I can really feel your pain! My AH did something similar 2 weeks ago. Honestly hon, I left in Gods hands ultimately. I know that I have no control over my AH but I do have control of my actions and reactions. I also have 2 kids and they have been the reason for me knowing that if I need to leave I have somewhere to go. You should have something in place should the need arrive.
Concentrate on your kids and yourself. I agree with smoke. The less you depend on him the fewer things there will be to get upset about. Keep posting there is alot of good info here and caring people who are the greatest.
Lots Of Hugs Sent Your Way,
maryl
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
one step at a time
Hopeful:
Remember that you don't have to make a bold move overnight, and you don't have to have all the answers right away. Figure out what you want your future to look like, and start making plans. Then, eventually things will fall into place for you to be living separate from him.
In order to avoid giving up your job and doing the welfare thing -- why not speak with a lawyer to find out what kind of child support you'd be eligible to get from him if you split.
As for the statement " I caused this mess by having children with him". Don't be thinking that way.
The booze going from his hand, to his lips, and down his throat is what caused the mess.
Remember that you don't have to make a bold move overnight, and you don't have to have all the answers right away. Figure out what you want your future to look like, and start making plans. Then, eventually things will fall into place for you to be living separate from him.
In order to avoid giving up your job and doing the welfare thing -- why not speak with a lawyer to find out what kind of child support you'd be eligible to get from him if you split.
As for the statement " I caused this mess by having children with him". Don't be thinking that way.
The booze going from his hand, to his lips, and down his throat is what caused the mess.
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hello Hopeful
Let me also welcome you here.
As those before me suggested try concentrating on
yourself and what you can do that would make you happy.
Concentrating on the alcoholic , anyone or anything that
we cannot change is bound to bring us obsessive thoughts
and anger.
The serenity prayer and some of the alanon slogans have
helped me between meetings or in bad times.
"Let go and let God" "Live and let live" "easy does it" are a
few, if you have a higher power then turn to Him, and keep
trying to get to a meeting after a few of them you start to get the sence that you can get better and the whole world isnt the dismal place you thought it was.
You are a worthwhile person deserving all you can give to yourself
you are deserving of happiness and noone can take that from you unless you let them !
keep coming back Hopeful
Hugs
liddy
Let me also welcome you here.
As those before me suggested try concentrating on
yourself and what you can do that would make you happy.
Concentrating on the alcoholic , anyone or anything that
we cannot change is bound to bring us obsessive thoughts
and anger.
The serenity prayer and some of the alanon slogans have
helped me between meetings or in bad times.
"Let go and let God" "Live and let live" "easy does it" are a
few, if you have a higher power then turn to Him, and keep
trying to get to a meeting after a few of them you start to get the sence that you can get better and the whole world isnt the dismal place you thought it was.
You are a worthwhile person deserving all you can give to yourself
you are deserving of happiness and noone can take that from you unless you let them !
keep coming back Hopeful
Hugs
liddy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 10
Thank you all for your replies to my first post. I have read it and re-read them when I needed to feel someone cared. Things did get better since then, but now are worse again. It is not even so much his drinking that is the issue now, as that has tapered off. It is that he seems to slip right back into the meanness he usually expresses when he drinks, even when he is sober. I know all his games by now, and that he is goading he to say anything "wrong" so it is my fault when he disappears and drinks. I am pretty good at avoiding it now, but he got me this morning, I didn't yell, I just cried that I wanted him to be nicer to me, that I needed that now, and he had no time or patience to talk with me. In hindsight, he probably just needed a drink.
SO of course he promised to be home at 7pm because he has been away on overnights for a job all week, and now his phones are shut off again, and my daughter cried tonight asking for him again (he promised her profusely he would spend tonight with her).
The worst is we are supposed to leave for vacation Saturday morning for the week, have to pack everything, and I cannot lift anything to do most of it (due to my pregnancy). Though he is definitely a "put it off last minute" type of person when it comes to helping me, I am now left wondering whether he will show at all, and wondering what I am to do at the seashore with my 2 year old for a week when I can barely keep up with her due to my size. I will have family there as well, but he has been talking this vacation up to us, and telling our daughter all of the things he was going to do with her there, and I finally let myself look forward to something - and I was really looking forward to it. We all went together last year, and we probably had the best week of my life.
I will never understand how a man who so obviously seems to love our daughter more than anything one day can the next block her out to drink in a dark smelly bar with really depressing people. My God, she is my life, I get excited just picking her up from daycare. How can he block that out?
This is obviously not the first time this has happened to me, and usually after days or worry and tears he appears at the last minute and comes through. But lately, he cannot even seem to pull that off, and the boundaries I had originally set for him he has smashed down. I had leverage and options in the past, but since the new pregnancy my options have dwindled, and he knows he has me in a position where he can take advantage. Once good thing though is that he does not drink in the house, at all. When he is here, he is at least on his way to sober. That rule has required me to call the police several times to get him removed, and is also the reason he has stayed away more. But at least I do not have to see it in our family home.
Thank you for listening, and for your advice. It has helped, and I am reminding myself to face things one day at a time. I guess it will not be the end of the world if he does not show for our vacation, though it will break my heart. I will make it a fun, happy time for my daughter, I just really wanted to be able to relax and be happy for a week too.
SO of course he promised to be home at 7pm because he has been away on overnights for a job all week, and now his phones are shut off again, and my daughter cried tonight asking for him again (he promised her profusely he would spend tonight with her).
The worst is we are supposed to leave for vacation Saturday morning for the week, have to pack everything, and I cannot lift anything to do most of it (due to my pregnancy). Though he is definitely a "put it off last minute" type of person when it comes to helping me, I am now left wondering whether he will show at all, and wondering what I am to do at the seashore with my 2 year old for a week when I can barely keep up with her due to my size. I will have family there as well, but he has been talking this vacation up to us, and telling our daughter all of the things he was going to do with her there, and I finally let myself look forward to something - and I was really looking forward to it. We all went together last year, and we probably had the best week of my life.
I will never understand how a man who so obviously seems to love our daughter more than anything one day can the next block her out to drink in a dark smelly bar with really depressing people. My God, she is my life, I get excited just picking her up from daycare. How can he block that out?
This is obviously not the first time this has happened to me, and usually after days or worry and tears he appears at the last minute and comes through. But lately, he cannot even seem to pull that off, and the boundaries I had originally set for him he has smashed down. I had leverage and options in the past, but since the new pregnancy my options have dwindled, and he knows he has me in a position where he can take advantage. Once good thing though is that he does not drink in the house, at all. When he is here, he is at least on his way to sober. That rule has required me to call the police several times to get him removed, and is also the reason he has stayed away more. But at least I do not have to see it in our family home.
Thank you for listening, and for your advice. It has helped, and I am reminding myself to face things one day at a time. I guess it will not be the end of the world if he does not show for our vacation, though it will break my heart. I will make it a fun, happy time for my daughter, I just really wanted to be able to relax and be happy for a week too.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Welcome Hopeful,
I wish you the most wonderful, PEACEFUL, vacation you've ever had...with time to think about what you read, time to get focused on your recovery, which I believe is the most wonderful gift you can give to your daughter and son (on the way)
Love and prayers from one who cares,
I wish you the most wonderful, PEACEFUL, vacation you've ever had...with time to think about what you read, time to get focused on your recovery, which I believe is the most wonderful gift you can give to your daughter and son (on the way)
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
Hi Hopeful,
I am sorry to hear that things are going a little out wack for you. I pray that you just Focus on your self and your daughter. Have a good time weather he is there or not. I f he does go you may want to use this as a time to re evaluate what you both need from eachother. Lots of hugs sent to you and your babies.
Maryl
I am sorry to hear that things are going a little out wack for you. I pray that you just Focus on your self and your daughter. Have a good time weather he is there or not. I f he does go you may want to use this as a time to re evaluate what you both need from eachother. Lots of hugs sent to you and your babies.
Maryl
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Hopeful!
Welcome and I see that everyone has given you great advice. Maybe a vacation without him would be good for you! Give you a chance to sort through some of your feelings and come up with the plan that you want to work towards. I wish you the best most peaceful and productive vacations EVER!
Blessings, Constant
Welcome and I see that everyone has given you great advice. Maybe a vacation without him would be good for you! Give you a chance to sort through some of your feelings and come up with the plan that you want to work towards. I wish you the best most peaceful and productive vacations EVER!
Blessings, Constant
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
