Babyo622

So I have not been posting for a bit lately, I‘ve just been trying to heal my heart the best way I know how to etc…Things are looking up but I realized something today and wanted to know if anyone else feels this way as well. I think that I am still so hurt over my exAH because I realized that I do not miss necessarily him (abuse and all) but that feeling when I was with him, he made me feel alive and sexy. Each day I could not wait to see him or be near him. He made me laugh and he made me feel safe (when sober) crazy as that sounds. So this is where I feel stuck, how do I find these feelings inside me or something else without going back to him? I know that I can meet someone new an hope that they will bring out all these feelings again that I felt with him but until then what can I do to ease the painful feeling of loneliness and not feeling so joyful like I did when I was with him?

denny57

Staying involved in the world works for me. Volunteering is one way I bring great joy to my life and meet people who share my passions.

LaTeeDa

These are really tough questions and there is no easy answer. It takes a lot of asking and then digging down deeper and asking some more. My counselor was invaluable in helping me figure out things like "why is it I need an abusive alcoholic in my life in order to feel good about myself?"

L

freya

Oh dear, BabyO, the thing is, I think, that you can and you deserve to have those feelings for yourself, all by yourself, totally independently of whether or not there is any romantic/sexual interest in your life to "give" them to you. I'm not in any way knocking the desire to have a special someone in your life, but your own sense of value, of beauty, of sensuality and sexuality should not and does not have to depend on anyone else -- if it does, your sense of yourself and your own worth is always at terrible risk because even the most loving, most perfect, most committed "partner" cannot and will not always be there for you -- or for any of us.

So, it sounds to me like you need to spend some time getting to know and to love yourself and your body...and defintely that you need to do so before you even think of getting into an intimate relationship with anyone else. (I mean, let's face it, part of the reason so many women end up getting into and staying way-too-long in hideous relationships is because so many of us have no sense of our own beauty and our own worth unless that is somehow being reflected to us by a romantic/sexual partner.....and, not only is that baloney, but it's also a total abdication of our personal and sexual power as women.)

So, aside from other people, what is it that makes you feel beautiful and sensual and sexy? What can you wear that makes you feel good? What kinds of self-pampering, sensual, physically feel-good things do you like you do? What about "sex-for-one," not ust for the purpose of "getting off," but more for the purpose of really exploring, and loving, and pleasing, and worshipping your own body?

Be adventurous and push the envelope here.....you are ALIVE and you are SEXY, what you need is to discover that, accept it, and allow yourself to enjoy it.

freya

lizw

I can relate to this post. I also have a very disorted view on myself and believed for a long time that the purpose of a partner was to make me feel better. I'm and alcoholic and I drunk for the same reason, to make me feel better.

I am glad I know what my problem is now and that is my perception of myself.

For the last few months, when I pray, I ask God/My Hp to help me love myself the way he/she/it loves me. Seems to be working like a charm.

:praying

GiveLove

I can't speak for others, but I know that my early life conditioned me to ONLY think I was sexy when someone was hanging all over me wanting to have sex with me. And because I had the power of sex over whoever "him" was, I felt safe.

When I finally left my last (and I hope final) XABF, I took some time to work on my body, my mind, and my life. I went to the rec center and started doing exercise to get strong and sleek, went back to school to learn something I thought was really cool, and started working with other people who needed my gifts, like Denny mentions above.

And even when I hadn't met anyone else, I started to feel sexy. I mean, DEAD sexy. I smiled, and laughed, and walked around feeling like the world was my kingdom, and I could do anything I wanted in it. Now, I'm no great beauty or anything like that, but I just felt really good about myself and didn't need anybody else to tell me that I was attractive and safe. I WAS, and that was that. I didn't care whether anybody agreed.

That feeling carried into relationships that came up later, and because I thought more highly of myself as a person, I no longer took abuse just to feel "alive and sexy," because I already was that. And guess what? I didn't attract any abusers any more. They could tell from my attitude that they'd better move on to someone who was willing to take their ****.

So when people here say, "work you you," that's what I think of. And it worked for me. Maybe you too, baby?

Freedom1990

With a lot of soul-searching and hard work, today I feel alive and sexy...well okay maybe not so sexy in the morning when my hair's standing on end and I have buffalo butt/coffee breath!

I haven't had a significant other in my life for 9 years now.

I can hold my head high and feel good because I am my own best friend.

Babyo622

Thank you all for your advice and I can see you view points. To be honest I guess I never really felt that I was not sexy or did not really love myself. He just magnified it, but maybe I do not love myself as much as I though I did. However, I can feel a shift in my mind set after this experience. He just brought out something in me and took it to a completely new level. I guess I was so physically attracted to him and he was such a great manipulator that I let his behavior slide a lot or course until I could not take it anymore.

I guess now I think to myself why did I ever allow another person to run me down and hurt me so much all in the name of “LOVE”. With him, I never felt such a connection with any other man before. Maybe it was obsession now that I look back because how can I really say it was love. Love makes one feel good not hurt them` Now that he is gone, I do not know what I am missing still. Maybe it was the times when he acted so sweet and I had hope things would change. Maybe it was him telling me how he is really not this person and is a good person…etc….. I still cannot understand how he thinks he is good person with all his bad actions towards others…I guess I lived in the hope that he would leave the drinking and women behind for me. He knew everything about me and accepted it. That is why I said I felt so alive and sexy. However, maybe I need to be open with others and let them see the real me as well……

Pajarito

LOVE this thread! I think what the others have said here is great too- it all starts within you.

My STBXAH was very into me (physically)- but then he had an emotional affair and it blew everything out of the water. How could this man- who I thought loved me- say and do what he did about and with another woman? I spent too much time looking in the mirror off and on over the past year feeling ugly, old, and not worthy of being loved. It's taken me some time to realize I had been giving him too much power. What he says about me or anyone else has no bearing on how I want to see myself. I do believe I am alive, sexy, beautiful, and all those things I thought he "made" me feel about myself. When he left I allowed him to take those things. Now I'm making the effort to take them back- I volunteer, I exercise, I'm going to grad school, I am cultivating new friendships, I go to counseling, I try to focus on taking care of me, and I think what the others are saying is right- it makes a huge difference if I am confident about who I am. What others think doesn't have so much power, and thankfully I can feel good about myself whether with someone or not.

(maybe I need to be open with others and let them see the real me as well……)

Yes- figure out who you are- be ok with that- and show the world all your fabulousness. ((()))

NeedHelp81

Thank you so much for posting this!!

I feel the same way! I WANT to feel all these things about myself, but cannot figure out HOW to feel that way about me....

I enjoy reading everyone's answers and suggestions -

Good luck Baby!

Stubborn1

Here~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm sending you some of my mojo vibes. lol I entertain myself. I don't look for someone else to validate me. I honestly make myself laugh. Go look in the mirror and say "man.....if I get any better looking I'd be twins!" or "I don't know how it's possible but I get better looking everyday".
Don't get me wrong I love to hear nice words but I like that I can make myself feel pretty and sexy and safe. It's something you have to work on, but then again it may come easy.
If and when that someone special comes along then it should be an added bonus that you already possess yourself.
Remember, you see in somebody what you are or you see in somebody what you want to become. That's love!

HopeandPrayer

When I got divorced the first time, my mom told me something I will remeber always, " NO ONE can do more for you than you can do for yourself".
I have always repeated this to myself every time I feel ugly old or undesirable.
I too look in the mirror and repeat things like "God your hot all the guys out there better where fire suits" or " Looking this good should be illegal" LOL
This was after being told by both my ex's that I was fat and ugly and wouldn't be able to find anyone that would want me.
I am my own cheerleader now and intend to remain so. I am an island and the only way you can come visit me is IF I decide to let you land.
Barb:ghug3

HopeandPrayer

The more you repeat the positve about yourself the more you believe it and can live it.