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Letting go-advice needed

Old 09-18-2008, 08:43 AM
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Letting go-advice needed

All,

Since anyone that is here has had experience with living or being with an alcoholic, how do you deal (emotionally and mentally) with a situation like the following.

The AW gets drunk, and as she's falling asleep, starts talking about intimate stuff. It's disjointed, and doesn't make sense at all.

So, this morning, I asked her what she was talking about. She doesn't remember talking about it, and is angry that I thought it was worth thinking about or discussing. When we both left for work this morning, she was still aggravated.

My feelings, and the advice I need on dealing with them, are of fear and apprehension. I know I need to concentrate on myself, and making the best decisions for myself. It's just very hard to do, when you have a good idea that your significant other may try to do something spiteful to hurt you.

Any suggestions?

Redd
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Old 09-18-2008, 09:42 AM
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Redd...when my husband started his talks of suicide threats (which I feared because there were actual attempts made), I would sit thinking and trying to figure it out. I spent countless hours trying to make sense of cryptic words and ominous statements. After a while, sheer exhaustion forced me to let it go. In the beginning, I would have to mentally affirm, "I chose not to think about this statement." Then I would let it go...I would have to repeat this several times for the same incident over and over again...I would then busy myself with something else...whenever it would creep I would say to myself (sometimes out loud) " I SAID I am NOT going to think about you." Eventually, I got to a point I didn't need to affirm it anymore, it became more automatic. It requires mental training and surrender...neither come without practice. Who knew that surrender was such an active exercise!?
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Old 09-18-2008, 09:52 AM
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For me it meant internalizing the fact that I have no control over anyone else including my now xAH. It also involved practicing putting my xAH in the hands of God and meaning it. I found visualization exercises very useful in this. I also did what I could to protect myself from possible actions by my xAH and then letting go the worry about whether or not any of those possibilities ever happened (they didn't by the way). Worry about anything doesn't change the future. It will unfold as it unfolds. All I can do is make plans for contingencies and then proceeed with my life.
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Old 09-18-2008, 10:20 AM
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Red, I know you probably don't want to explain further what kinds of "intimate things" she was discussing, but in general I have learned not to listen to anything that comes out of drunks' mouthes. It might be truth, it might be wishful thinking, it might be muddled threats, it might be complete fantasy, it might be ANYTHING, and I will drive myself insane trying to put it into one of these categories and protect myself from any pain that might be coming my way.

Maybe you need a mantra, or an alternate place to sleep when she starts going off on these la-la drunken tangents. Better than trying to reason with her the next morning, you might want to just avoid the insanity altogether.

Remember: just because it comes out of her mouth does not make it so.

Protect yourself, stay the course, be compassionate but detached.
And stop listening to the crazy talk as much as possible. That's my two cents, because that's what helped me survive the letting-go process.
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Old 09-18-2008, 11:04 AM
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Al Anon and individual counseling.

The people in Al Anon know more about me than anyone else. My therapist knows even more. With what I needed to share, I have found private therapy extremely helpful. I trust her completely and I know what I say goes no further.

Good luck.
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Old 09-18-2008, 01:11 PM
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You all have helped so much today. I should travel around and give everyone that's helped me a big hug. When you're hanging on to your sanity by a thread, its good to know you're not alone.

Redd
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Old 09-18-2008, 03:19 PM
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Here is a link to one of the best "letting go" posts ever on SR. (IMHO)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-long.html

L
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Old 09-18-2008, 04:06 PM
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My feelings, and the advice I need on dealing with them, are of fear and apprehension.
When I allow fearful thoughts to fill my head and fear keeps me from living the life I want and deserve I ask myself this:

"What would I do if I weren't afraid?"

And then I do it.
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Old 09-18-2008, 04:51 PM
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Redd, it's time for you to see anything that comes out of AW's mouth as QUACKING.

Picture the big white AFLAC duck with the orange bill because that is what she is doing.

All practicing alkies QUACK. And yes I can say that, I was one, I did and every alkie I know has done the same while practicing their alcoholism.

Whether she knows she's doing it or is in a blackout it doesn't mean a damn thing.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-18-2008, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Reddmax View Post
So, this morning, I asked her what she was talking about. She doesn't remember talking about it, and is angry that I thought it was worth thinking about or discussing. When we both left for work this morning, she was still aggravated.
Just thoughts on this, but why are you asking someone who is drunk to make sense of their nonsense?

Originally Posted by Reddmax View Post
I know I need to concentrate on myself, and making the best decisions for myself. It's just very hard to do, when you have a good idea that your significant other may try to do something spiteful to hurt you.

Any suggestions?
You asked, so I'll give my perspective. Fearlessness is facing your fears head-on. Stepping out of my comfort zone is doing something that might make me uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, or downright scared. Doing it regardless of my apprehension makes the action lose its hold of fear over me.

It's never going to be easy; it will generally be challenging or downright hard. You are the only person who can ultimately make the decision to quit attempting to engage an A in meaningful discussions or to expect a meaningful relationship.
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