I feel sick
 

STBXAH just called me- at work- to discuss a few things.

He wants to take dd with him to a camp for 4 nights- and it's with his new girlfriend and her daughter. This would be on a weekend when I would normally have her. If you've read a few of my posts, you know dd likes this woman and her daughter, but isn't thrilled with having to share her dad with them. We recently had an incident where he took her for the day and they met his new girlfriend at a mall. On the way, dd threw a fit and screamed at him to give her his phone so she could call me to come get her. This went on for a half hour. I tried to have a calm conversation with STBXAH after the fact, but his back hair went up, because "she needs to know we've moved on." I told him today I have to think about this camp thing- that's my weekend with her, she's not into overnights anyway- kind of a home girl. . . but how can I protect her from this sort of thing? he does have a right to take her on vacations- although that hasn't happened yet. . .

Also- he's a lawyer. He's been representing himself in our divorce, but has seen that negotiations aren't going well- we can't agree to anything financially. So- he's hired himself a lawyer. I just see myself losing everything. I asked for spousal maintenance (alimony) until I am done with grad school- maybe 5 years. He told me today that's just an incentive for me to drag my feet through school. Insulting. I can't believe I was married to this man for 13 years. I put him through law school, and right now I'm working 3 jobs as well as going to school-does that sound like someone who's going to take her time getting through grad school??? I'm tired. And scared. And incredibly hurt. 10 years of alcoholic hell, 2 emotional affairs, walked away from everything a year ago to be with his girlfriend/co-worker. . . it's just too much to fathom sometimes.

I need to know I will be ok.

You need to separate how you feel about him from his relationship with your daughter (that is what the court expects you to do). Unless he is drinking to excess or otherwise endangering her the court is not going to deny him overnight visitation based on the fact that you don't like him having a GF. My advice would be to let it go and see how this weekend trip works out, either it will not go so well and she won't ask to go again or she will have a good time.

I find that if I hand my ex enough rope he hangs himself everytime.

In my experience, it takes a lot longer for the children to accept the parents moving on than it does for the parents. IMO, he is being extremely insensitive to your daughters feelings by putting the new gf "in her face."

But, having said that, you have no control over his insensitivity. Why not ask your daughter how she feels about this trip? Is she comfortable/confident enough to tell you how she really feels? Is she in counseling?

Counseling was an enormous help to my children in getting through the separation/divorce. I highly recommend it to anyone going through divorce, whether alcoholism is involved or not. It gives them a safe place to express their fears, and it takes some of the burden off you as a parent as far as "having all the answers" goes.

You don't have to do it all, Paj. It's okay to get some help. :)

L

I'm going to quote my own @#$% self. WHO has moved on? I guess I really haven't yet. Not completely. He obviously has- a long time ago. Has dd moved on? No- it's obvious- at least to me.

I get that I have to separate my feelings from what is best for dd- but right now it HURTS! My chest actually hurts. . . I think I need to process this more than I have. Right now it's just so unbelievable- HOW can that be when he's been gone a year? Denial is a strong foe.

What about counseling for you? Have you considered it? It was a great reality check for me. And, even though I stopped going a while ago, I now have great friends in my life who also provide needed reality checks now and then. They are there to call me on it when I start kidding myself and slipping into self-destructive thinking patterns.

L

I would ask your daughter if she wants to goon this trip. She should have the right to say no if that is how she feels.

I second getting her counseling. Divorce is difficult for kids under the best of circumstances.

I also benefited greatly from counseling. It helped me get past the points where I got stuck.

Do you have an attorney? If not, get one! If yes, let the attorney do your talking. THat is what you pay them for. Don't believe all the tripe your AH tells you either.

(((Pajarito))) No advice, just hugs......you've been there so many times for me.

I do go to a wonderful counselor- and met her when STBXAH and I went to her for marriage counseling 4 years ago. She is actually the first person to raise the chemical dependency flag. Talk about timing- I went to her yesterday and we talked about this situation. She is working with me to listen to my inner voice instead of always deferring to the outer voices I have for so long tried to please- my dad, my STBXAH.

As a mom- not as his wife- as my dd's mom, I know that she is upset with STBXAH and his choices. She feels he is trying to make her share her time with him with this new woman. This is a woman he has plenty of opportunity to see otherwise as he works with her. DD sees him very little, and he goes for days- 4-5 without contacting her. She wants her dad to focus on her when they have time together- and I don't blame her. Yes- he moved out a year ago, so that seems- on the outside- like plenty of time to get used to this situation, but dd was just told in April that we are divorcing. He has been taking dd on dates with his girlfriend since May. DD is trying to process the divorce, the fact that we are going to have to move from the only house/neighborhood she has ever known, and on top of that she has to accept that STBXAH has moved on with someone else. In my opinion- and from what I have observed with dd- it's too much too soon to process for a 10-year-old.

If I take my feelings out of this picture and focus only on what I know my dd can handle- and in light of the fit she threw recently having to spend an afternoon with this woman- I simply cannot say yes to him taking her for 4 nights with his girlfriend. It is too much for dd to handle. And I don't think it's ok to ask dd what she wants. To me that is too much pressure and responsibility for a 10-year-old to take on. As her parents, it is up to STBXAH and I to work out the visitation schedule. As her mom, I have to say no. It is my weekend with her, and I have to do what I feel is best for dd. This does not mean that I won't let her go with him on the weekends he does have her. I have no control over what he does when he spends time with dd. I can only express my concern for her mental well-being. If he chooses to expose her to his dating- well, all I can do is love my dd and talk to her about it. And I will definitely consider counseling as well as al-ateen when it seems like a good idea to bring in the back up.

I guess this long-winded response is to everyone who posted- and I thank all of you. I'd love more feedback if you have it. This situation is not unique. And I do want to work with STBXAH when it comes to what is best for dd. Right now I don't think there's any reason why she should have to go with him on this camping trip. In time she will get more used to what is happening, and he will take her on vacations or overnights, and I know I have to accept that. It just seems too soon, and I am basing my decisions on cues from dd as well as what my gut is telling me- regardless of how I feel about his choice to move on with someone else.

Yes- a great attorney. I'm trying not to believe everything STBXAH says. . . It's hard not to get caught up in the madness, though.

I tried responding to this thread twice yesterday each time it wouldn't stick.

You did great paj - my suggestion would have been exactly that: remove the emotion about him and do what is best for your daughter.

Hope everything works out ok.

((( )))

(((paj)))

Everyone here has offered great insight, and have much more experience than I do...but I wanted to chime in and send my love to you! You are going to be okay. You are so strong, sensitive, and intelligent...everything is going to be okay. I am here for you! Love coming your way!