Where do I start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2
Where do I start?
Hi, I just found this forum and I am so grateful to find a group of people who may be able to give me some advice. I'm the adult daughter of a wonderful man with a drinking problem. He has always drunk a lot each evening after work, completely functioning... but the past few years things have got worse, and my mom and he live in a different country to me, so I don't see them as often as I would like. They arrived to visit last night and it had been 10 months since I last saw them, and I was shocked at how bad my dad is looking. He's a successful businessman with so much to live for, I'm getting married next year and they are excited about the prospect of grandchildren, but it is like he is on a mission of self destruction. Last night was what my mom described as "not particularly heavy" (she doesn't drink but is at a loss what to do about him and says she has stopped counting how much he drinks because he doesn't listen to her and the anxiety is just even more painful). But this "not particularly heavy" night saw him drinking 1.5 bottles of wine, a few beers and 1/5 bottle of Scotch. His face is red and he's out of shape and for the first time in my life I think he looks like an alcoholic (before, you never would have known he was a drinking man from his outward appearance).
I tried to talk to him this morning - we have all tried to talk to him over the years... but it keeps getting worse and I feel like he is a timebomb... he wouldn't engage in conversation and when I said in three different ways that I was worried about him, about his health, etc, he cut me short and changed subject.
I don't know what to do. Is there any way you can help people like that? He is such a wonderful person and father and family are his world... but if he doesn't stop this (if it isn't too late already), he would be lucky to be around to meet his grandchildren. How do I begin to go about trying to make him see all that he is losing? Do I write him a letter? My mom has spoken to a couple of AA counsellers who seem to have told her that nothing can be done, he must hit bottom on his own. But I think he could kill himself before that happens... he is nearly 60. Any help or advice greatfully received... this is heartbreaking as I know you all understand...
xx
I tried to talk to him this morning - we have all tried to talk to him over the years... but it keeps getting worse and I feel like he is a timebomb... he wouldn't engage in conversation and when I said in three different ways that I was worried about him, about his health, etc, he cut me short and changed subject.
I don't know what to do. Is there any way you can help people like that? He is such a wonderful person and father and family are his world... but if he doesn't stop this (if it isn't too late already), he would be lucky to be around to meet his grandchildren. How do I begin to go about trying to make him see all that he is losing? Do I write him a letter? My mom has spoken to a couple of AA counsellers who seem to have told her that nothing can be done, he must hit bottom on his own. But I think he could kill himself before that happens... he is nearly 60. Any help or advice greatfully received... this is heartbreaking as I know you all understand...
xx
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR....
I'm sorry your family is having this situation
The very best advice I can give you is to attend
some Al anon meetings. They are for the ones who
love drinkers.
Blessings to you and your family
I'm sorry your family is having this situation
The very best advice I can give you is to attend
some Al anon meetings. They are for the ones who
love drinkers.
Blessings to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya worried!
Welcome to SR!
How do I begin to go about trying to make him see all that he is losing?
Well he already knows what he is losing. Don't hurt yourself by thinking that if he could just see all that he is missing out on--etc - that he would stop. He really will not stop until he himself is sick and tired of it. He knows what he is losing- in fact most alcoholics look into their world, see the misery they have created out of their lives and how they have hurt their loved ones - and to cope with that pain they DRINK!
Alcoholism is tough, it is not enough for most alcoholics to know what they are jeopardizing and might lose - they often, unfortunately, have to actually lose it before they are compelled to find a way to stop the addiction.
Educate yourself about alcoholism. It is a formidable addiction, and one that your father must conquer on his own. If he requires help (most do!) it will likely come from other recovered alcoholics and not from you...
Do I write him a letter?
Sure. I always found it helpful to put into words what my fears were for my 3 Alcoholic brothers. And then I had to just let it go. I couldn't have any expectation that that letter was going to make them do anything. I needed to write letters for my own peace of mind, clarity, and because I could not pretend nothing was happening. I wrote letters like that probably 15 years ago. Only one brother is curently in AA and trying to recover (he has 60 days so far). Another stopped drinking years ago but smokes pot 24/7. My baby bro is an active alcoholic mess. And it has NOTHING to do with me or any letters I ever sent them or didn't send them, etc.
When my Alcoholic Dad finally sought help (also AA) it was a "normal" hungover day. It didn't follow any of the many dramatic and frightening episodes brought on by his drinking. But for him, it was the day he finally had enough and made that call to AA and asked for help. My Mom had slipped him the number SEVEN years before that day. That day began 20 years of amazing sobriety/recovery for my father.
You might want to try an AlAnon meeting. AlAnon is for the families of alcoholics. Going to AlAnon really turned my head around in a positive way.
Also the book Under the Influence by Milam & Ketcham. That'll give you a good picture of what your father is up against.
He may or may not find sobriety/recovery. But you can find ways of coping and not letting HIS addiction bring unrest and misery to YOUR life. Also by learning how to stop enabling your father's drinking in any way, you can be assured you are doing all you can to actually "help" him.
Peace- and stick around - there are lots of wise people here and we do know how you feel! ((hugs))
B.
Welcome to SR!
How do I begin to go about trying to make him see all that he is losing?
Well he already knows what he is losing. Don't hurt yourself by thinking that if he could just see all that he is missing out on--etc - that he would stop. He really will not stop until he himself is sick and tired of it. He knows what he is losing- in fact most alcoholics look into their world, see the misery they have created out of their lives and how they have hurt their loved ones - and to cope with that pain they DRINK!
Alcoholism is tough, it is not enough for most alcoholics to know what they are jeopardizing and might lose - they often, unfortunately, have to actually lose it before they are compelled to find a way to stop the addiction.
Educate yourself about alcoholism. It is a formidable addiction, and one that your father must conquer on his own. If he requires help (most do!) it will likely come from other recovered alcoholics and not from you...
Do I write him a letter?
Sure. I always found it helpful to put into words what my fears were for my 3 Alcoholic brothers. And then I had to just let it go. I couldn't have any expectation that that letter was going to make them do anything. I needed to write letters for my own peace of mind, clarity, and because I could not pretend nothing was happening. I wrote letters like that probably 15 years ago. Only one brother is curently in AA and trying to recover (he has 60 days so far). Another stopped drinking years ago but smokes pot 24/7. My baby bro is an active alcoholic mess. And it has NOTHING to do with me or any letters I ever sent them or didn't send them, etc.
When my Alcoholic Dad finally sought help (also AA) it was a "normal" hungover day. It didn't follow any of the many dramatic and frightening episodes brought on by his drinking. But for him, it was the day he finally had enough and made that call to AA and asked for help. My Mom had slipped him the number SEVEN years before that day. That day began 20 years of amazing sobriety/recovery for my father.
You might want to try an AlAnon meeting. AlAnon is for the families of alcoholics. Going to AlAnon really turned my head around in a positive way.
Also the book Under the Influence by Milam & Ketcham. That'll give you a good picture of what your father is up against.
He may or may not find sobriety/recovery. But you can find ways of coping and not letting HIS addiction bring unrest and misery to YOUR life. Also by learning how to stop enabling your father's drinking in any way, you can be assured you are doing all you can to actually "help" him.
Peace- and stick around - there are lots of wise people here and we do know how you feel! ((hugs))
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2
Hi CarolD and Bernadette,
I just wanted to say thank you to you both for your kindness. I know I have a lot to learn and I am only dipping my toe into beginning to understand what my dad is up against, but your advice is really appreciated. Bernadette, thank you so much for sharing your own learnings; I am beginning to understand that this isn't about me and I'm sorry if I seem very ignorant but your patience and advice is very much appreciated. I'm so sorry your family has been so hurt by alcohol, but thank you for being willing to share your experience to help others.
Thank you again to you both.
Laura
I just wanted to say thank you to you both for your kindness. I know I have a lot to learn and I am only dipping my toe into beginning to understand what my dad is up against, but your advice is really appreciated. Bernadette, thank you so much for sharing your own learnings; I am beginning to understand that this isn't about me and I'm sorry if I seem very ignorant but your patience and advice is very much appreciated. I'm so sorry your family has been so hurt by alcohol, but thank you for being willing to share your experience to help others.
Thank you again to you both.
Laura
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
