KeepHopeAlive

My boyfriend is a RA for two years and was phenominal when I met him and has lately been pushing me away. I love him so much and so badly want our relationship to work!

Is this crazy? From reading these stories I am wondering if I am just setting myself up for disappointment? Can a RA have a good relationship if they stay in the program? Will it always be a struggle?

Any feedback is greatly appreaciated and big hugs to all of you... you are a very strong group!!!

Barbara52

From your other post, you've known this man a total of 3 months. Yet you say you love him. IMO you can't even know him well yet. But that's just.

Its fine to be in a relationship with an RA as long as you educate yourself as to what you are getting yourself into. Its not an easy path but many travel that path successfully.

You might want to explore what you wnat in a relationship, why you are attracted to a RA, what you are getting from being in a relationship with an RA, whether or no you have codenpendent tendencies, etc. Taking an honest look at yourself and why you think you are in love with someone after only 3 months, what you want from a relationship and whether you are getting what you wnat could be a good starting place.

Personally, I would not get into a relationship with someone who has been in recovery for a relatively short time and has already pushed me away. I'd say thank God for getting me out before it went any further.

tormented22267

I second that!

Also, there is a reason why he is pushing you away. From your other post, he was honest with you and told you that he needed to be alone at this point in his recovery. This is his choice, even though it's a choice you do not like. IMHO, you should respect the choice he has made.

LucyA

Not everything is to do with the addiction, maybe it's a choice he's made for other reasons. Not all relationships work out even if one partner wants them to.
I don't mean to offend, it's just my thoughts.

GiveLove

All alcoholics, whether recovering or active, are really terrific manipulators.

They become whatever you most want them to be -- they tell you the things you most want to hear -- they do everything in their power to MAKE you fall in love with them. This isn't love. This is manipulation, and can quickly turn to abuse once you're hooked.

Just know this. The man you "fell in love with" is probably nothing like the man he really is.

Learn, let it go, and get on with your life wiser. This isn't the kind of "hope" you want to waste your time on. Sad to say.

rkymtncowboy

My wife is a RA. She has been sober for the most at 16 months. All it took for her to drink again was a plane trip. It has been hell since. If he relapses you will suffer financially, physically and mentally. It could take upto 10 years to fix your credit after it is trashed plus you will probably have to pay the bills.
Just my opinion!

respektingme

Wow, saw this post right above the post from TooMuch4TooLong's post about leaving a dying alcoholic. You're on your way in and she's on her way out. Geez. Please take a look, and HONEST look at the misery many here have experience from being married to an alcoholic. Why would you invite that into your life?

FormerDoormat

When someone starts distancing themselves from me, that means they don't want to be with me. I've learned a lot from this forum over the last four years and one important lesson I've learned is this:

When someone wants to leave, LET THEM GO.

Today, I prefer to spend time with people who appreciate me, treat me respectfully, and truly want to be with me.

miss communicat

As a recovered alcoholic in AA, (and a codependant in AlAnon). Sadly there are sick untreated alcoholics and sick alcoholics in recovery.

But, this blanket type of condemnation is so sad. And unhelpful.

Its not fair nor accurate to paint an entire poplulation with a polluted brush. To do so would dismiss us ALL, which you sort of have by saying "All alcoholics, whether recovering or active, are really terrific manipulators." Followed with "They" this and "They" that....

For the sake of fairness and healing, I want to it be remembered how much our AA program of recovery asks of us. It is much more inner work than any other path in life, really.

It asks us to surrender our ego and our will to God daily.
It requires us to live honestly, and to remain open-minded and willing to grow and to learn, daily.
It asks us to take stock of our emotional status daily and to make reparations, daily.
And to each take our own inventory rather than the inventory of moral defects in character of another so quickly.
And, if that were not enough, it shows us that the only reason to be here is to be of selfless service to humanity.
To fail on these practices is to perish, for we will drink again, and for an alcoholic to drink again is certainly destructive.

The neediness of others in close personal and romantic relationships is frankly not our business.

Indeed, what this individual, the RA boyfriend, is doing which is being perceived as distancing, may actually be something else. We really cannot know the back story.

As a Codie, if I were suffering emotional pain as a result of the other person's behaviour, I would ask myself why I need someone else to validate my dream, ideals and hopes for me? Especially at such an early point in time, after 3 months. Is this healthy relating on both individuals' parts?

KeepHopeAlive

Thank you Miss Communicat --

I also do not like all of the generalizations that I have heard on here and am glad you said something about it. Some of the nicest people I have ever met are Alcoholics. I have been very humbled and inspired by the selflessness of those in the program.

And you are right -- it is time for me to believe that I can fulfill my dreams on my own. This post stemmed from another one that I wrote. When my boyfriend broke up with me he said that he still loved me but at this point in his sobriety he felt he needed to be single. I have always been so proud of the work that he does in the program. What I really wanted to know is if other RAs had needed to do the same thing and if they returned to the old relationship after or if it was just over? I do understand that every situation is different. I was just wondering if it was a common RA thing.

Thanks again to all of you for your replies. I have taken each and everyone of them to heart and have learned a lot about myself already through this process. Thank you!

queenteree

IMO, RA's can have good relationships if they stay in program. In fact, they can have great relationships if they stay in the program. I know, I was married to one, and we had a great marriage for over 15 years. My AH's brother is a recovering alcoholic, who has a wonderful marriage to a woman he met AFTER he got in recovery. Two of my AH's closest friends are both recovering and have wonderful marriages and families. Key is, they need to stay in program and they need to work on themselves each and every day. Will it always be a stuggle? IMO, for some, yes it will, and for some no. But alcoholism is a lifelong disease that can rear its ugly head at any time, without warning, and it's so progressive that once that happens, it's worse than before. My AH relapsed after 15 years sober and in recovery. Sad, but true. From what I understand, he is now more than two months sober and working a program. But, the treat of relapse is always there. I personally cannot go thru that again. My opinion: you need to fully understand that relapse is a VERY REAL possiblity, and base your decision respecting this relationship accordingly. My thoughts are with you.