YellowRed

Sorry just need to vent somewhere where others may understand. I sent my stbxAH to rehab earlier this year. I now realise that it was never going to work if he didnt want to do it and he really resented me for getting him to go. About a week after he came home (after a month in residential rehab sober) he started drinking again. And trying to hide it (don't they understand it's so obvious)? He was drinking progressively more and more (and making up more and more elaborate excuses to go out and drink; more elaborate hiding places). I finally understood that I had to stop and remove myself from the situation (I had stopped enabling). So I'm living away form him and he sends me this message saying he's been sober since he came out of rehab. And it's just a bare faced lie! Why oh why oh why is he in so much denial? why so much lying? I should be able to see beyond it (he really is sick) but it reaaaaaaaaaally annoys me. Ugh. Sorry, rant over.:codiepolice

Barbara52

It takes time to really get all that intellectual knowledge internalized so that it's in your gut. You'll get there. {hugs}

coyote21

For two years I clung to the hope that "I just knew if I could only get exaw into rehab" everything would be O.K..Not. Can you say DENIAL?

By the time a judge MADE her go I knew it was gonna be 40k thrown out the window.

Imagine my "suprise" when she called me wasted 10 days out!

I had to laugh when this highly acclaimed rehab called ME wanting the other 5k or so that my insurance didn't pay. Guess what...get in line.

$40k and a 3-7% success rate 1 year out, PULEEASE!:wtf2

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Daisy30

They lie because they are an addict and that is what addicts do. You can't expect them to be sober or to tell the truth.

Be gentle with yourself

Barb is right. I know I've said it before but working on me is like having my brain rewired.

YellowRed

Thanks everyone. I have been to lots of Al-anon meetings which have really helped me work through my living with an AH (including the denial that rehab would give him the clarity to see just how mad things were -- he still thinks they are not bad). It's stil really hard sometimes not to get so mad when the lies just keep flowing. He really knows how to push my bottons I tell ya. Just thank goodness now I'm not in the same room so I can step away from the message, not answerthe phone etc. So good to hear others say that the 'brain rewiring' gets easier in the end - it is like learning about yourself and your life all over again. I really found it tough about a year ago when I realised I'd been seriously enabling. Thanks - I really needed to get it off my chest!

YellowRed

Oh I hear ya! Thanks for that lovely huge bill I just paid for you to spend a month in rehab so you could start drinking all over again! That plus all the whining and moaning I had to endure which AH was there - it's not very nice here, the food's no good yap yap yap yap yap yap. What WAS I thinking???!:chatter

Seems kinda funny now but I do wonder how it is I was so blinded by it for so long.

marshallzhukov

You know in all likelihood he is not even in denial he is just flat out lying... he wants something from you and if he can convince you that he is not drinking in order to get something from you he will do it.
And unfortunately most A's get out of rehab and feel that they have been sober for 28 days and therefore they have earned the right to do a little drinking. I'm sorry that's how it is but it's just what they do.

nowinsituation

Yellowred -- Same as you, I don't think I will ever, ever, understand the lying. It for me was the HUGE sign of how bad things really were; and it was then I knew that the relationship was dead. If he needed his alcohol sooooo bad that he had to go to such elaborate measures to hide it from me and lie to me about it; he had to be sick sick sick! The ONE thing we always had in our relationship was trust and honesty. It was gone, poof, in an instant. I will never, never understand; and hopefully soon I will quit trying to.

CatsPajamas

Addicts and alcoholics lie because they have to. They can't reconcile their own thoughts with their actions, so they have to say what they want other people (And themselves! to believe so it all lines up.)

It's all part of what makes this disease so tragic. It's like some 2 headed beast has ahold of our loved one, and we spend so much time fighting to save them.

Hugs to all who struggle.

Cats

Bernadette

(including the denial that rehab would give him the clarity to see just how mad things were -- he still thinks they are not bad).

It was a real turning point for me when I accepted that maybe my ex really doesn't think thngs were so bad. Because, maybe they weren't so bad for him! Why couldn't I accept that? Why did I need validation of "how bad" things had gotten from HIM of all people? Why wasn't it enough for me to trust my own gut feelings that , yes things are bad FOR ME and I need to make a change!!!!

Why did he lie? Live in denial? Pretend? Trying to figure that out made me a cuckoo person.

Self-doubt and focusing on trying to convince others that my way of seeing things was the "right" way, held me back - it can still hold me back, if I'm not mindful and making sure I am only owning my own stuiff.

Peace,
B.