Just a dad

Similar yet different.

Wife continues to drink and im on the verge of filing. I guess what makes my situation different is that we have gone through a catastrophic loss. We lost our child to an accident in the home 7 years ago.

With the economy the way it is i asked her to get a job and she angrily answered that she shouldn't have to work. all of our children are in school except one who is 2. she feels that she shouldn't work just to pay for child care. She doesn't realize that it goes beyond that.

She cares nothing for me anymore. How can she when she has no respect or care for herself.

she lies, she drives drunk with our kids in the car and swars she has no problem....

im about to give up....

Reddmax

I know how you feel with the exception of the loss of a child. Don't give up, you have to be strong for your children, because you're the only good example they have. I know how hard it is to live when your mate doesn't even acknowledge your existence.

Redd

endzoner

hi Just, loss of a child is traggic i know this to be true tho exception for me was my daughter was only 4 days of age . he life will never be replaced with a drink , and hiding behind the bottle wont make it any better . Theres so many in SR that too have suffered many losses and continue to stay in recovery , I never fell of the wagon . take the keys she wants to drink then fine, but to jeoperdize another life other then her own is not good ! let her get mad its better then the alternitive , Sounds like a big case of Denial . time to stand firm and do for yourself and your children dont give up , get help for your self , you give up she wins .. just my two pennys worth . my you find peace Mrs O :praying

catlovermi

If her substance abuse ramped up or was linked to the trauma, she might be a candidate for an intervention, to get her into treatment not only for substance abuse, but to deal with her grief and trauma that she is stuck in.

She and the family system may be too sick to see that professional help may be needed to untangle the grieving process and get through it. Bad patterns or stuck patterns of coping (or failure thereof) can often only get worse, particularly when an addiction comes on board. While you didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure her addiction, you can possibly get her professional help about the grieving, and maybe that would ignite her to want recovery from her addiction for herself.

Just a thought.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

Barbara52

I'm sorry you are in pain. My condolences on the loss of your child. I can't imagine the pain you felt.

Many in here have gone through traumas of one sort or another. Many have not. Either way, life with an active alcoholic is what we've all gone through. Stay around, keep reading and posting. This place be a wonderful source of support for you.

cmc

Welcome to SR. I'm so sorry about the loss of your child and about the situation with your wife. Words cannot express what that kind of trauma is like.

Many of us have a different experience and perspective of the same story. There's alot of help and hope to be found here.

I hope you'll take some time to look around the site and also to check out the sticky threads for this forum. Like we say in Al-Anon: 'keep coming back'

Startingover2

I am sorry for your loss. It doesnt sound like your wife is very stable. If she is drinking and driving with your kids call 911. I had to and it was the best thing I have ever done. These people here are great and helped me through. But don't let her take your kids lives or some other innocent person's life because she can't get help.

TTOSBT

Welcome and I also am so sorry for your loss.
Just a dad, I am a professional woman, married 9 years with 2 children. I drove MYSELF while drinking every day, to hide it from my husband. I often drove my kids after I had been drinking. I have been sober 126 days. On my last drunk I was on my home from a girl scout meeting and crashed my daughter (8) and I into a fence. Thank god she was and is fine. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. It is the my most shameful secret.

Please do not let it come to that with your wife, or worse. PLEASE force her hand and insist that she seek treatment or you will go to the court to make sure that she can not drive the kids. She needs help, she does not want to be like this, she hates herself more than you ever could. PLEASE try and gather those that love her (adults, obviously) and try to convince her that she is worth it, her life is worth it. The kids need their mother and they need her present, which can only happen if she is sober.

I will pray for your family! Please PM me if there is anything I can do.

Melec

I'm with TTOSBT. Realizing how close I have come to hurting my son was the thing that got me into treatment. I imagine your wife would be utterly unable to live with herself if she accidentally harmed one of the kids. Do what you need to do to protect your family from more tragedy. If she can lovingly be convinced into treatment by some family members, etc., great. But no matter what she shouldn't be driving the kids. Think of it this way, if anyone else showed up at your house drunk would you let the kids get into the car with them? Of course not.
I am so sorry for everything you're family is going through.

rkymtncowboy

Sounds like my situation but I lost my son to a drunk driver when he was 2 and 1/2 years old. My current wife can't have kids and we have been married for 12 years. She is a professional at not working and getting fired within 3 weeks if someone does hire her. I have been ready to file for the last 11 years. We are now doing the divorce now, she is not drinking but harder to live with. Don't know about your situation but mine didn't get any better. We were suppose to do the divorce online but I found out she got a lawyer so it is big guns now.
You might have seen a couple of my threads, she has been out on the ventilator in coma for around 10 days 2 times in the last two years. This disease is fierce!
It is hell living with a alky even when they are in recovery.
Different situation but it is hard.
Sorry for your loss, a child cannot be replaced.

NeedHappiness

JustADad, glad you are here. This forum has helped me tremendously because the people here truly understand and they care!! Please keep reading and posting and know that we all help each other to see other perspectives on situations.

I am so sorry about your and your wife's loss. I can't even imagine the pain you have been through. You are in my thoughts and heartfelt prayers.

respektingme

How much planning have you done? Do you have any way to prove that she is an alcoholic and is driving with your children? Have you kept notes, taken pictures, video or audiotaped her?

If you are truly ready to file, these are some things that can come in helpful. Otherwise, you split physical custody with her, or she gets most of it, and you won't even know when she's driving drunk with your kids or is passed out instead of watching them. You'll have little control at all.

My theory has always been not to go for the kneecaps, go for the throat. Get all your ducks in line now. Don't take any chances. You can back down later if she truly gets help and can recover.

Just a dad

Thank you all so much. I can see that i need to stick around here as this site may help at least on some level. Im just so tired of all of this. i cant live my life like this. My kids cant live their lives like this.

Is intervention the answer? not sure even where to begin. Her family doesn't care they have tier own problems.

I have to be strong for my own sake and my children's.
My plan is to speak to an attorney to know my options.
going to try al-anon.

need to start living my life with my children as if she wasnt here.

Cant stand this anymore

Pajarito

Glad you are here- and I can tell you are suffering. Your AW's family can't help her, and neither can you. All you can do is help yourself- for you and the sake of your children, I hope you will take the steps to do that. It may seem overwhelming, but it can be done. Whatever choice you make- staying together or leaving can be done with you as a priority. I chose to divorce my AH. After 18 years together it was not a choice I made lightly. It's been a year since we separated, and it has not been easy, but I am living in a more sane, peaceful house with our dd. She will benefit from my health and from this decision- I believe that completely. It was not healthy for her living with 2 dysfunctional parents. Counseling, al-anon and reading and contributing to this forum have shown me I have options. You do too. Take care.

Lilyflower

Welcome to SR! There are members of this board who have lost their child(ren), it is extremely hard on all involved, my heart goes out to you, I cannot imagine. It is an added sadness that your wife has now turned to alcohol.

I hope you do keep posting and reading here, there is so much experience strength and hope (es&h) in the folks here, we all help each other through difficult times, choices, situations. I am sure you will feel the support that shines through here!

Have you read through the stickies? They are full of great information too. Your wife needs to reach out for help, you have reached out to others and taken that step today, so tomorrow will already be better! It is a tremendous relief to know others are out there to talk to!

Hugs and love to you, :ghug3

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Grace2u

I don't think you can just "live as if she wasnt here". That's not good for you, her, or the kids. Believe me, kids pick up on the tension and anger. It makes for a very toxic atmosphere.

I have never lost a child, so I cannot empathize, but I CAN imagine the pain. I've heard it never really goes away.

I've also become aware that a LOT of married couples break up after losing a child. People grieve differently. And people sometimes make assumptions about their spouse, if they don't grieve in the same way. Fights break out. Then slowly the gulf between them grows wider, until neither can speak too the other about it. My guess would be that your wife hasn't been able to grieve for whatever reason (and alcohol makes that postponement easier). She needs help.

While you're doing your legal reseach, may I suggest you contact a professional interventionist and just ask their advice/opinion? I called Hazledon, and they referred me to someone near where I live. We intervened on my mom 2 yrs ago. By the way, I made certain assumptions about certain family members who "probably wouldn't participate". I was wrong. They all showed up, becase they all loved my mom. Don't rob your family from the opportunity of letting them decide for themselves. It's not fair to them to just write them off. If they say no, then that's fine, but at least you asked for their help.

Your children are the ones who are suffering from this the most. Ask the interventionist how best to protect them emotionally, while all this is going on. Many interventionists specialize in helping young kids. The kids might feel freer to talk with a pro, than to talk with you, believe it or not. They probably don't want to "hurt daddy". You might be surprised at what you don't know about what they do know!

Try not to be too angry with your wife. If she had polio, you wouldn't hate her for it (my word, not yours). She is sick. She needs help, and she needs it quickly. It may be too late to save your marriage, but it's not too late to save the mother of your children.

Just my 2 cents. Sending many prayers your way.