SugarLily

I haven't been here for a while. Mainly because since leaving my ex alcoholic boyfriend my life seems to have blossomed. I've never been so calm and happy. I have a new boyfriend and things are going wonderful. It was my birthday this weekend just gone and I was treated like an angel. I'm developing strong feelings for him.

So whats wrong?

I found out last night that my Ex was beaten up last week. His own fault (it always was) He was drunk in a bar, someone playfully ruffled his hair and he squared up to him and tried to punch him. The guy was pretty big and he really did him some damage. I heard it ended up in the carpark with my ex on the floor covering his head.

Why is this playing on my mind? I feel sorry for him. Now I feel bad for leaving and am I wrong for finding someone else and being content? I'm not going to do anything - I don't even have my exes number anymore but I can't stop thinking about him and feeling sorry for him.

Twinkle

Since you've been gone awhile.. maybe you forgot the 3 C's..maybe your thinking is distorted again.. and wants to 'fix'. I know that is my greatest fear.. the reason I continue going to meetings.. my thinking can become distorted very easily... The problem was not 'his', the problem was yours.. if someones drinking or drugging affects me - it is my problem.. how can I change that? By changing myself..

endzoner

its not your fault Sugar.. its the actions of his own that created this. just picture yourself being still in the picture , how you would feel basically the same as now tho you would be upset at the whole situation , its not gonna change , hes gotta do it for himself he didnt wanna do it while you were there , and definatly hasnt made the choice to do it alone . like twinkle said the 3-C's peace with you , dont let his actions ruin what you have this moment .. Peace and Serenity Mrs O

SugarLily

Thanks Twinkle and endzoner. I really needed the replies.

It's quite maddening how these feelings can reappear out of nowhere. There's no way on earth that I would want to get back with him, I guess I just started worrying that maybe his behaviour is because he is hurting from me leaving but in reality thats rubbish. He acted the same way when I was with him. Thats why I left.

I just always see the good in people. Thats why I stayed so long. I just - dunno - imagining him being on the floor cowering - I pity him.

But I've never been so happy since I left.

Thanks again, I think I need to stick around here longer x x

Lilyflower

Sugarlily, that is the thing, these feelings don't just reappear out of 'nowhere'. They did not go anywhere. You have moved onto a healthier relationship, but your instinctive need to help, fix and other codependant traits are still within you, they are just dormant right now.

JMHO - Be careful - without addressing these parts of myself, I know that at some point they will come back to the surface. What has happened in my 28 years is that each time my codepedancy has come into play in my relationships or in my mind, they come back stronger each time.

I am glad that you have moved on to a healthier relationship, my advice would be that if you wish to maintain its health, you keep working on you. Now you are out of the toxicity of your exabf, try reading ''Beyond Codependancy'' by Melody Beattie.

That's just my two cents. Besides all that, it's great to hear from you Sugar!!!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

I've been in recovery for more than a year now and those codie tendencies come out now and then in real obvious ways. For me I view those times as proof I have more work to do on me. And it's one reason why I know I am not ready for a new relationship since I think for me it indicates my picker is still likely broken and I jsut might step into yet another unhealthy relationship.

Be patient with yourself. You didn't learn to be codependent overnight. You won't change those behaviors overnight either. It takes time and effort to unlearn those behaviors.

GiveLove

You're feeling pity for another human being, one you used to be with.

I don't think there's anything abnormal about that. Would you be normal if you DIDN'T feel sorry for him? He's out of control, doing this to himself, and it's sad.

You can't fix him. You can't fix anyone. You can only fix YOU. Take this as a little gentle wake-up call and examine your current relationships....are you trying to control/fix/manipulate there too? Think of it as an opportunity to work on yourself and get clear on a few things.

But him? Not your problem. Hope he finds his way, light a candle for him, and let it go. (it's what I had to do anyway......) You can see the good in people without letting the bad victimize you...

isitme

This is pretty much how I feel. I don't see the feeling of pity as out of place.. as long as you don't change your current actions or path to try to change or manipulate the situation. Just don't let your feelings turn into actions.

It's hard to visualize anyone you once cared about cowering on the ground. But like others have said.. there was and is nothing you can do about it now. That was his choice and you had nothing to do with it.

I'm glad your doing so much better and can see the behaviors before they sneak up on you.

queenteree

I don't see it as being "codie", I see it as being human. And being human, this was someone you cared deeply about. I think it's ok to feel that way, to feel sorry for him and pity him, as long as that's as far as it goes. As for his behavior stemming from you leaving him, I think we'd all like to think that at times. Just remember though, an A is gonna do what an A's gonna do (just like the pigeon story in ODAAT), and he would have done that whether you were with him or not. It's just the progression of the disease. Be glad you're out of it and with someone who treats you right. Good to hear from you and glad things are going so well!