FindMyselfAgain

Hey everyone,

I should've known that going over to xabf apartment was a mistake yesterday morning. I believe I blurred the boundary lines. We slept together. Found out he lost his job. Isn't going to have any income coming in until he finds another job. ohhhh...The question is how i ended up back over there after last week's drag out drama. Well, I was anxious. Wondering if he got up to go to work yesterday or if he was still in bed passed out. Well, he was at home. How I know?? Cause I drove my crazy sick butt over there to see. Well, he broke the news that he was unemployed, again. Over course it broke my heart. Why?? I dunno, crazy i guess. Anyway we slept together. Big mistake, cause I really didn't want to go there. And of course, I told him that i would help with the rent just this one time.

Yep.....i really have a problem people. I just wanna know where the anxiety comes from? Why am I always focused on him and his problems? I know intellectually that I am not responsible for another adult and things that he can do for himself he should. But I get in panic mode, just thinking he could be unemployed, homeless drunk. I mean my heart really starts racing and beating hard, and my mind just goes into a whirlwind. I know you all think this is very very irrational thinking and fear. Which like I said intellectually I know that is irrational fear. Emotions suck. HELP.

Thanks

sailorjohn

Irrational for everyone else, but not for us!

They say that part of the function of getting involved in the excited misery is to help distract us from our own internal pain, fear, whatever.

mallowcup

I had always anticipated that change would come when I absolutely became irritractably digusted with him. Change came when I became absolutely digusted with myself.

shellygirl

Don't you understand by now that most of us understand exactly how you feel, most likely have done what you did sometime in our life and make no judgments. I promise you are not alone and when I've been there that is when I've gone right back to step 1 because my life feels unmanageable and is out of my control. Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself and give yourself all the goodness your deserve. Blessings to you.

Blondie

I was ready to change when I couldn't stand the insanity anymore. It was literally killing me as my health kept getting worse from the stress. There comes a breaking point for all of us. It is hard (very hard) to change. And it is scary working through that paralyzing fear we have deep insides, but it does get better the more we work on it. Just get back on track and keep at it. Believe me, we all have missteps in our recovery, nobody is perfect. Just pick yourself up and start again.

Bernadette

I know you all think this is very very irrational thinking and fear.
We don't think it we KNOW it!! I know it's the reason I am here!!

You asked for gentleness when you posted - be gentle with yourself-- this backpedaling you just went through by sleeping w/ your xabf is past, today is a new day - and look at how good you are doing - you recognized that this was not the healthy way to go - you have regret and stated:
Yep.....I really have a problem people. I just wanna know where the anxiety comes from? Why am I always focused on him and his problems?
Let these questions guide you in your recovery. They are very good questions because they are about YOU! What can you do? With a focus on these questions read and meditate on your reading - go to an AlAnon meeting and listen and read some of their literature - find a one-on-one therapist and let them know you'd like to start exploring these questions.

Trust the process of life-- maybe you needed this last incident w/ xabf to give you clarity - who knows- let it go and gently move forward - the past is gone - (even if it was just 5 minutes ago!!!) you are free in this moment!

Peace,
B.

Barbara52

Ok, you are human and messed up. You recognize that. Now take corrective action. You can change you mind about helping him out financially and by doing so not enable him and not take that particular step backward. Give yourself a talking to and reset your feet on your own path to recovery. Be gentle and patient withyourself and accept that it is what it is.

mallowcup

I think this is a defining moment. This is when you decide who you are.
You made a mistake, big deal. You state it was a mistake and you either learn from it or you will make more mistakes. This is when you decide if you want to be taken seriously.
This is what enables and confuses the alcoholic.
If we keep making the same mistakes, people get sick of helping us and listening to us.
This why I am a big fan of severing all communication.
It is very unlikely that your phone will ever ring with good news from this man.

Bernadette

from B-52 - You can change you mind about helping him out financially and by doing so not enable him and not take that particular step backward.

This is a REALLY good point.

I get hung up on this often, like if I said I would do something I'm BOUND to it - I can't be mature and say- "I apoplogize but I've changed my mind" and just accept that I will p*** someone off. I gotta work on this!!

Wow Mallow--It is very unlikely that your phone will ever ring with good news from this man.

That's clarity! Holy Cow.
B.

LaTeeDa

One of my all-time favorite quotes. I posted it a few weeks ago. Here it is again.

L