wish he'd quit

I kicked out AH the other night and he is now staying with his parents and alcoholic brother. He took the kids to his parents tonight to spend the night. I'm fine with the kids going there since they do not tolerate drinking in their home. But this is the first night that we have lived apart that he has taken the kids over night.

I know they are fine but I have a million thoughts going through my head. AH and his family are always buying the kids stuff. My son told me tonight that his grandpa threw a bag of Yugioh cards at him. Their dad buys them something everytime they see him. At onepoint my son told AH that he gave the Barbie he had just bought for his sister to his cousin because he had bought her 3 of the same one. I can't afford to go out and buy them stuff all the time. Its not appropriate anyways. I'm just worried that they are going to want to go there more because they get stuff all the time.

Then there is my growing anxiety about AH's girlfriend. I have spoken with her and she is nice and all, but has never met the kids. I told her that I dont want her to meet them for awhile and until I had met her. SHe agreed. I'm just so worried that once they meet her that they will think she is "the fun one" or "the cool one." I think alot of this is comming from what I have been told about her. She is a petite blonde who is supposedly a bomb shell. I'm sure alot of it is him quacking. But then here I am some what over weight. I havent exactly been able to have much of a life because of AH's possessiveness and jealousy. I also know alot of these feelings are because AH has done a number to my self confidence. I'm just tired of feeling second all the time. Ok enough of this pity crap. Thanks for letting me vent.

Bernadette

(((wish)))

For me, racing thoughts and futurizing just bring on loads of anxiety. Your post made me sad because HELLO you are the Mom and you are not in competition with ANYONE for ANYTHING in relation to your kids.

I saw a great lecture once by a woman who runs a drug treatment program in Switzerland. She was talking about what children need to face life and their own destinies. She said all the material stuff just gives them more anxiety. What children crave, what they need more than anything is genuine human warmth and companionship and conversation. Remember, as someone posted last week, you are building a cathedral! You won't see it finished. Your work is serious and does not look for the easy way out or the quick fix (here I bought you THIS!!).

Creating as consistent and warm a routine as you can with your kids is what matters. You must believe that the time spent with Mom looking at puddles and reflections, holding hands walking around the block, reading out loud together, tucking into bed each night, working together on chores, cooking and eating meals together, playing a card game, enforcing consistent limits, and having a real conversation with the screens off is of far greater value to your "cathedral" than barbies, game boys, yugi-oh, or any other cold plastic material thing. Believe it!

When those anxious thoughts take over you could try stopping them by making a plan - just for today, just for yourself, to work on one little thing about YOURSELF that you can change. Let the other people do what they will do.

Peace,
B.

Barbara52

I remember when I first got divorced from my sons' father, 16 yrs ago, and how hard it was to have them away from me when they went to spend a couple weeks with their father. It felt wrong from every angle to have them gone. But I learned to deal with it. And the fact that their father married a week after our divorce was final. ANd the fact that their father made more money and could give them things and take them on trips and all that stuff.

Here it is 16 yrs later and my sons have no relationship with their father becasue he has disowned both of them for no good reason. My sons thank me for being the normal one in their lives, the one who has always provided stability and unconditional love. They don't care in the slightest that their father gave them more things and trips and so on. They know I gave them what really counts: love, stability, normalcy.

You will have all sorts of concerns but they are all outside of your control. The best you can do is provide your kids with love, stability, normalcy and more love. They will come to understand what goes on in their own time and their own way.

wish he'd quit

Thanks for the replys. I needed the kick in the rear. I feel alot better. I'm working on getting my self confidence back and not letting him affect me. Its hard and I've come along way but I still have my moments.

isitme

I just wanted to thank you all for contributing to this thread. All of the things said really re-enforce what I already knew, however this exact topic is what has me so scared to leave A-SO. He already does the buying everything and I know he'll talk bad about me. He's always trying to make it some sort of compitition for our DD between he and I. I HATE THAT! I know what she really needs the the love and attention more than anything I just fear the outcome of that behavior and how it will affect her.

It's just nice to hear from people who have made it though. Thanks!

Barbara52

Kids are much smarter than we adults give them credit for. They know when one parent is bad mouthing another. They know when someone, especially a parent is trying to buy their affections. Trust your kids.