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At end of my Tether

Old 09-10-2008, 08:26 AM
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At end of my Tether

I Love this man with all my heart, and have done so for 18 years of lies, abuse, infidelities and so many broken promises. I feel I am only a rescue service for him, when his life is in tatters. After the confession of yet another instance of cheating on me when totally drunk, I am not only sad about it, but damned mad about it.

The love I have for him seems endless, yet I wonder if he has any real love or interest in ME.
Something that comes to mind when he sobers up and promises he made only hours before are tossed overboard yet again is, does he really love me as he says he does?
Does he understand anything of what he puts us both through, and how upset he makes me?
Does he actually feel guilty when he lies to me about how much he's had to drink,
or who he has been with and what, if anything happened between them?
Does he realise he is lying to me in the first place?
Does he think about, and see things from my perspective at all?
Is he too wrapped up in himself and his drinking to be able to do that?

It seems that I can never really have a relationship with him, because the bottle will always be a better lover than ever could be for him.
Often I think that he can never truly love anybody, and I feel so miserable at the waste of both our lives.
At other times, I truly believe he does love me, in his own muddled up and weird way, but doesn't know how to express it.

He actually went for help from Drug & Alcohol service and has appointment in 2 weeks. I was away and he was drunk, broke, filthy, sick and desperate at the time, sobered up after 2 days of withdrawal hell, (total of 23 this year) then back on it 3 days later. Now says he will sober up yet again, and see counsellor because he wants to stop drinking. Hope so, but been there and done that so often I have doubts.

Maybe he finally sees that his BINGES have only brought him pain, great suffering, loads of guilt and remorse, such embarrassment and lack of success with his passion of horse racing.
This is his last chance where I am involved. Too old to go thru anymore.
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Old 09-10-2008, 09:10 AM
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The love I have for him seems endless, yet I wonder if he has any real love or interest in ME. Something that comes to mind when he sobers up and promises he made only hours before are tossed overboard yet again is, does he really love me as he says he does?
Does he understand anything of what he puts us both through, and how upset he makes me?
Does he actually feel guilty when he lies to me about how much he's had to drink,
or who he has been with and what, if anything happened between them?
Does he realise he is lying to me in the first place?
Does he think about, and see things from my perspective at all?
Is he too wrapped up in himself and his drinking to be able to do that?
Perhaps I can be of some help based on my experience with my exAB:

Does he really love me as he says he does?

No.

Does he understand anything of what he puts us both through, and how upset he makes me?

Yes, but he doesn't care.

Does he actually feel guilty when he lies to me about how much he's had to drink, or who he has been with and what, if anything happened between them?

No, not one bit.

Does he realise he is lying to me in the first place?

Absolutely.

Does he think about, and see things from my perspective at all?

No. All he thinks about his getting his next drink.

Is he too wrapped up in himself and his drinking to be able to do that?

Yep.

I'm sure you know these answers are true for you, too. Perhaps you're not ready to admit it yet. But the fact that you're here today says to me that perhaps you are. I have to ask you--why do you love this man "with all your heart" and why don't you think you deserve more?

Alanon and participating on SR daily helped me find the answers and realize that I loved a dream--not the uncaring, wreck of a man I used to refer to as the love of my life. I hope you get comfortable and stay a while. Welcome to the forum.
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Old 09-10-2008, 09:37 AM
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I'm sorry you are in such pain. You have a found a great place for information and support.

You cannot change him. You cannot cure him. You cannot control him.

But you can change yourself. You can learn about alcoholism and codependency. You can learn to care about yourself. You can create a better life dor yourself, with or without him as you decide is best for YOU.
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Old 09-10-2008, 10:20 AM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Welcome to SR. Have a read of the thread above. It is hard to understand, but addicts think only of their own best interests - and those are anything they can do to maintain their addiction. They will lie, cheat, steal and abuse you to protect it.

When I first read that I thought some of it sounded true but not all of it. I could not bring myself to understand that my A did not love me, now I know this is true. he has no love for himself.

I hope you stay and post, grab some Melody Beattie books - Codependant No More and Beyond Codependancy are wonderful recovery tools! Also if you can check out Al anon.

Love and hugs to you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-10-2008, 10:29 AM
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Welcome to SR Jadmack. You have found a wonderful website to get information and to hear stories from others who have been in similar situations. This place has helped me discover many things I never knew before....from my own co-dependancy, to alcoholic tendencies and patterns. We are glad you are here.
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