Reddmax

Hi all,

I try to be aware of myself, and how I feel. I'm falling into resigned helplessness because I can't bring myself to do what I need to do.

I don't want to move, I don't want to file, I don't want to go through and figure out what accounts need to be closed. I want my wife back.

But all of that stuff has to be done... and I'm not getting my wife back until she fixes her problem.

How did all of you get the gumption to do what needed to be done?

Redd

LaTeeDa

By doing one thing. Just one thing. If I tried to figure out everything, I would get overwhelmed and then I couldn't do anything.

You don't have to do everything all at once. Pick one thing you need to do and do it. Then take a little time to feel good about it. Reward yourself. Have an ice cream cone. Celebrate your little victory. Then, when you are ready, pick another thing to accomplish.

Go easy on yourself, Redd. Baby steps.

L

endzoner

Latee siad it right one thing at a time one day at a time , we can only do whats needed today , cant control tomarrow so try not to worry bout it, We know easier said then done but its do'able just remember to breath say a serenity if you like or what ever you need to besides pick up that drink .. all this will pass .... prayers for you to find peace :bounce

nowinsituation

Redd - I know it is hard, very hard. And it is hard to do just one thing, because that ONE thing is so interrelated to all the others (no matter what that ONE thing is). Do I move out? If I move out I have to do a million other things too; and which one is first, which is more important, just how many things can I handle. I think back over the last year -- it was one year ago today that I "first" moved out. That "first" move lasted only one night; but it was a baby step I guess. There was a second (and permanent) move; and everything worked out fine. It is hard to have faith to take a step on the path when you can't see beyond that first step; and you know that once you take that first step you can't go back. It is true that you will take action when the pain of doing the same becomes worse than the fear of taking action.

Remember - "It will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." Don't know if I heard that here or not; but it got me through a lot of tough times!

Barbara52

THe others have great suggestions. Another I would throw out there is to talk to a doc about possibly getting on antidepressants. Situational depression can be treated chemically with great success.

I went on antidepressants for a fe months when I was overwhelmed with life when I sent my son to a theraputic wildreness school for a year. It helped me get past the depression and feelings of just not being abloe to deal with the rest of life that I had to deal with.

theotherone

Redd, I understand that this is all a process. What is good for some may not be right for others. Everyone's circumstances are different. I know for me, moving out is one of the "biggest" steps in my process...I'm not there. I chose to work on me first. I went for outside help for me. It's with the outside help I have learned to change the "littler" things like each reaction to the alcoholic behaviors. I learned to detach in smaller ways emotionally. I'm hoping that with every small change I will grow towards recovery and the bigger changes that I know I may eventually need to make. I gain strength in my boundaries every day.

God Bless everyone who has made a positive change whether big or small in their own process. We all deserve peace and serenity in our lives and will do what we are capable of doing one day at a time. The best advice I have received here personally is "nothing changes if nothing changes" and that "I will know when I am ready".

NeedHappiness

Redd, it took me a long time to finally decide enough was enough. Things were bad for the last several months and it got to the point that I just could not stand it anymore. I guess that is when "the pain of staying became stronger than the fear of leaving". What worked for me was getting all the finances in order first and making myself lists of things to do. (Just make sure the lists don't get into the wrong hands) Doing one little thing at a time will benefit you more than worrying about the whole ball of wax at once!
One day at a time We are always here for you.

isitme

I don't have much insight for you Redd as I'm in the same place as you.. Just know we are all here for you no matter what the choice or when you make it. Like others have said, one step at a time seems to be the way. I know for me I have a hard time even trying to pick which one it should be. They all seem like dooseys.

Good Luck, we all know you'll make the best choice for yourself.

aspiring

Don't know if this will help, but well over a year ago I read the following words on here(I failed to notate who wrote them ). I printed them out and taped them to my monitor screen;they got me through some rough days many a time.

"What will you lose by walking away from this situation? A raging alcoholic ? A house that was never a home ? A life that was not being fully lived ? A childish, mean-spirited, manipulative, and deceitful partner ?
Walking away from the insanity of alcoholism didn't make me a loser. I walked away from hell and emerged a winner. You will too. "

May you find peace.

xxkiwihoneyxx

Redd (((hugs))) I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

My relationship with my A ended recently. This time its over for good. I'm absolutely heartbroken but I have to save myself from this madness.

I'm not strong or far in recovery, I didn't have a great moment of clarity or rush of strength or anything really. I think God is helping me to get out of this mess, I just keep praying and handing it over to God. If you are not a believer then I would say Higher Power. I don't know why and I feel so angry that I have to go through this but what can I do?

I have also being doing baby steps for a very long time now, months really. I have been mostly in denial but I don't know how I could have coped otherwise. Just something in me kept asking, hypothetically speaking only, "if I *did* have to go it alone, what would I need so I could cope?" I sorted myself out a comfortable safe place to stay.. and found a little kitten and he has been so great in giving me lots of unconditional love which I need so much right now because I feel so devastated, lonely and depressed. I found a good AlAnon meeting to go to for support.

Don't beat yourself up. Of course you don't want this. No-one does. We want our As to be better. There are reasons why we love them, good and genuine ones, in addition to any CoDA tendencies so its only natural to feel so much loss and grief. It's so horrible and so unfair.

Only you will know when you are ready... you kind of have to hit your own rock bottom, where you just know you can't take it anymore and the pain of staying is more than leaving. For me personally, it was recently when he abandoned me to go boozing and drugging for days on end and I realised he had done the exact same thing last year, to the day. It was the first time I have thought "maybe he will never get any better". And then I just knew it was time.

Good luck, light and love to your Redd. I will pray for you.

Kiwi

KELS1961

Hard isnt it? You feel like your heart is in pieces.
Only you know when the time will cometoleave I guess you feel the time has come. I was with my a/bf fortwo years it has been a month since I kicked him out. I was the type who kept letting him come back over and over and believing his promises. Finally I said no more. Yes it is hard and sad and you are grieving it is natural. I cried a lot at first. Now not to much. What pushed me was the last drunk and the calling me vile names and seeing him drunk and I thought I am ready I do not have to take this anymore and I wont. It was so hard. I had to call the police on him thre times.
I felt horrible doing this but he was showing up drunk pounding on the doors cussing the neighbors. How long have you been married? I hope your wife will get help but do not get your hopes up to high I am just being honest I have heard it to many times.
I started feeling disgust when I saw my ex drunk it made me sick. And the smell of booze can not stand it. Hae you left yet or just thinking about it?
It is your decsion many people will say well I would be gone. But it would be differnt if they were in the same situation it is not that easy. Only you will know when enough is enough. I tried everything to help my ex it does not work and it is so heartbreaking to see your loved one do this to themselfs. But also think of yourself also.
It is nothing but stress and turmol and hell. I know one thing my home is now quiet and peaceful no one is yelling and cussing me itis like a weight off my shoulders. Yes I miss the sober Tom so much I cannot stand it but it never lasts. I wish you well andonly you can know when you are ready and what you really want.
Thinking of you
Kelli....

FormerDoormat

The first step was the hardest for me because it was a leap of faith. But after that first big leap, each step was easy. All I did was take one step at a time, just like LTD explained.

You can do this.

GiveLove

Red,

I chose to do a few weeks of antidepressants to clear my mind of the oppressive fog that was pressing me down. It helped me to see much more clearly what my choices were, and they weren't nearly as frightening as I'd thought they were.

One small step at a time.

GL

mallowcup

Depression is anger turned inward. That made me realize that I would change what I could because the second thing I know about depression is that you don't wait to do something when you feel like it, activity lifts depression. If I wanted my alcoholic to apply difficult changes, I'd have to demonstrate that we can do what we don't feel like doing. We have to make ourselves rise above wanting to numb out.
I would not allow depression to become my destination. I made the depression a part of the healing journey. I think depression is a degree of frustration where our fight or flight response. The excuses were exhausted. I had to decide to live of die. I literally stood on the line. Once I knew I wanted to live, the steps were easier because they were urgent.
I would no longer walk willingly to my own spiritual death.
Let his depression speak to you, it is not a destination, it is a measure.

hadenoughnow

A year ago I was were you are now. I was depressed and at a crossroads, either start taking meds in an to attempt to stay sane living with an active A or get out of the marriage (my ex would not even leave for a 10 day detox let alone agree to separate). You have to decide was is best for you but I decided that hell was gonna freeze over before I gave up one more part of myself to his addiction.

Startingover2

Take that first step..any step and then see how you feel. Then take the next step. I think fear of the unknown is what holds us in place. As agonizing and awful our lives are with the A's its something we know well. Stepping out of the box can be frightning. But the thing is its a much better world outside the box.

All I can say is keep moving forward, if even at a snails pace. People keep telling me my husband that I WANTED to see is gone. What is in my face is the shell, the A that is not thinking of me or our lives. You need to take care of you now.

PrettyViolets

I kept having to remind myself of the facts. I kept having to remind myself that the person I loved was an addict and that he was not ready to recover. I had to remind myself that I needed someone who had their act together--I needed someone who would not lie to me, I needed someone that was dependable, I needed someone in my life who wanted to the best that they could be.

If you need time, that is okay. I was sincerely in love with my husband, and I kept holding on to hope that he would recover. At this point, I hold on to reality and the facts. I told him that I would still be his friend.

And who knows, if he is able to recover-great ---if it works out in the future for us to be together --great--but the reality is that I cannot even live with my husband because he can get verbally abusive because of his drinking--and it is not healthy for me to stay in a relationship with an addict that does not want to truly recover.