xxkiwihoneyxx

Hi all. The alcoholic in my life has gone. He has well and truly relapsed and has left me to be with his three mistresses: drinking, drugging... and another woman who doesn't mind the first two, not yet anyway.

Now I'm on my own I feel in a weird mix of devastation and blessing. I so wanted him to recover and work a programme but now I see I need that myself. This is such a powerful disease it has made me sick with him if I wasn't already and I only just see now. I must be sick to put up with everything I have so willingly, what a doormat!! "Yes, okay, I will take you back again because this time it will be different." Or worse I'm ashamed to say, "please please please don't leave me, take me back, yes, okay keep drinking I will live with it because I love you more than myself, yes, okay, I will let go of all my hopes + dreams for you, yes, okay I know you abused me/used me/lied to me/cheated on me but its OK please just don't do it again (although I know you will)". I truly love the man he is when he was sober, having that man all the time was just such an incredibly powerful fantasy. He was genuine when he was sorry but the disease was just too powerful over him. I didn't want to let the disease win, watch it eat up this man I adore... but it has won. I have alcoholism and how it ruins lives.

But I can't let it suck me down into that abyss too. I'm at ground zero... no more denial and focus outside of me. I know I need to heal... please give me your wisdom on how you are healing? Please pray for me, I don't know WHY I am so codependent or addicted to an addict. People say the whys can be counterproductive but I feel like understanding can be the beginning of stopping hurting myself.

It's not strength in me to be away from him now so much as God intervening to keep him away from me I think while I heal.I'm going to al-anon and praying everyday, heal me God.

Barbara52

{hugs} I know you are in pain. But it will pass. You have my prayers for healing and personal growth.

Lizziesd

Time is a good healer. It's been a month for me and I had my relapses. Today, at the airport, I had another relapse as the airport reminded me of the last time we were together and how positive everything was. I always come here for support. I try to remember the bad things too because hell, things with my XAB werent perfect and when I relapse and get sad and I miss him...I have to force myself to remember that things weren't OK and then I read the posts here and realize its better to break things off now than if we got married and had kids together. It would be a lot more painful and tough

wish he'd quit

I could have wrote a very similar post. Im in the beginning stages of my healing as well. I'm fortunate enough to have great friends who when I am having a moment will just be like uh remember all the stuff that he did. That is enough to snap me out of it. I constantly start questioning myself and my choices. I still have to remind myself to stop putting others ahead of myself. When this happens I take a few minutes to make a list of things that I like and enjoy. Its a great reminder to take care of myself. Good Luck!

anubus

I can feel every emotion you are feeling.....I just threw my ABF out a few weeks ago. My :praying are with you!! The devastating effects of this desease are simply indescribable. It is just AWEFUL. We SEE with totally OPEN eyes, yet they are in TOTAL DENIAL, and then even the OW is in total denial (as you mentioned, "at least for NOW"). HE hasn't changed, so eventually SHE will know too....but until then, WE suffer alone.

. My Alon On friend described it perfectly......it's like we are helplessly watching the person we love standing on railroad tracks.....the train is rapidly approaching......all they need to do is GET OFF THE TRACKs.....yet they do NOT......and WE are HELPLESS, we cannot pull them off.......we just can only WATCH from a distance.

As for healing.....realize that you did THE BEST that you could. He has a dreadful desease.....YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT, YOU COULD NOT CONTROL IT, YOU CANNOT CURE IT.

Allow yourself TIME TO GRIEVE. Time to HEAL. THEY can deny feelings, and go on quickly with another.....but in the long run.....THEY ARE SICK. We cannot go on so quickly, but we ARE the healthy ones. Showing & healing to NORMAL emotions of losing a loved one.

Hang in there, remember....this too shall pass....

I feel your pain, and wish you well.........:sorry

Jadmack25

Reading your post filled me with the pain I have often felt when my chap hit the wall only a few days after promises about staying sober, and when I found out about who he'd been cheating on me with. I ended up a gibbering wreck with depression 4 years ago, and have been fighting that black dog ever since. I had spent 18 years loving, supporting and caring for him and realised only about a month ago that nothing I had done had helped at all. My loving support had only supported his belief that I would always be there no matter what, and allowed him to keep on drinking and being a figure of fun to others. I gave up completely, handed him over to God and told him I was now retired from being his rescue service, nurse and purse. Let me tell you I felt like a real mongrel for "abandoning him", (his words) and kept praying "Father, You created him, You can fix him. He is in your loving hands and I trust You." I spent the next few days in worrying, wondering and sleepless about him, but when he rang for my help I said "NO, I can't and won't help you kill us both. Go for professional help and do something for yourself." Then cried my heart out and prayed again for him, and for Me this time. Finally he went to Drug and Alcohol for help and has been sober for over 2 weeks now, has repaid money he borrowed to keep drinking and cleaned up his home. Funny isn't it? If I had not mothered and smothered him for so long, handed him over to God, where he belongs, we may not have wasted 18 years living in an alcoholic nightmare. Take it easy on yourself, be as loving and caring to YOU as you were to him. At least you know that you won't abuse your own love and caring, or toss it in your face.
I will offer my prayers for you and your healing of the pain you feel. :praying: