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need some direction today

Old 09-09-2008, 09:22 AM
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24 hour reprieve
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need some direction today

I just joined today.
My husband started drinking a few months ago. We have been together for 7 years-sober. For a lot of reasons, mainly our 3 kids (better schools) we moved to his hometown 2 yrs ago. Recently his old friends from school are coming over using my house as party central! My H has turned into a different person. At first I blamed them, but now I feel he is out of control.No threats work; they call me names when I don't "join in" it is like a frat party in my backyard. I even threatened to call the police on all of them last weekend to get them to leave at 3 am. any advice or support here would be appreciated.
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Old 09-09-2008, 09:50 AM
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Welcome eggshell!

First I would say that you have a read through the sticky posts that are at the top of the forum. They are full of wonderful information about alcoholism.

In answer to your other post - yes Al anon would help you! Al anon is there for anyone who is being affected by another persons drinking. They provide support and guidance on how to live a healthy life. This disease can effect everyone who is around it. Also if your kids are older there is ala-teen.

For now, have you tried setting some boundaries with your husband? Such things like ''I cannot accept you and your mates partying till all hours at the house because the kids and I need our sleep and peace. So if you wanna do that, go elsewhere''

Try reading books by Melody Beattie too, she is amazing! Two I have read are ''Codependant no more'' and ''Beyond Codependancy''.

Keep reading and posting, remeber that just becasue your husband has chosen this path for himself does not mean that you and your kids lives need be affected by it, you have your own choices just as he has his.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-09-2008, 09:51 AM
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Eggshell, Welcome. At one point in my family journey with alcoholism I thought that if I could just get my husband away from "those people" he would return to acting the way he did before we were married. It didn't work. He found more of "those people" in the town we moved to.
Its good you are able to see that the problem is not just the friends. Took me several years and trying to fix the problem by buying a house and having a kid. Tought it would make him grow up and want to join in the family.

Keep posting, look into Alanon as the support is very important and there you can learn about the process of alcoholism and gets some tools to help you deal with the situation.
You have taken the first step.... There should be a central office phone number in the phone book/information and they can tell you where the meetings are. I started out going during the day time so it didn't disrupt the evenings and my kids were in school.
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:16 AM
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Sounds like your husband doesn't respect your wishes or think that your feelings matter. Is this the only area where he does that, or is he showing you disrespect in other areas as well? Are you happy in every other regard? Can you communicate with each other at all, or does he just blow you off? If this [email protected] is his way of acting out his other frustrations with life, then maybe counseling would be in order.

Do they really think you're serious about "no more frat parties at my house" or do they think you're just complaining? If they still at the point where they think can verbally abuse you into joining in, then maybe they aren't taking you seriously yet.

It may be time to set some boundaries about what you're willing to take from here on out, and what the repercussions will be if those boundaries are crossed. You deserve to be heard.
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:20 AM
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Hi and welcome! I have been in your position. His brother would come over and party. Or just plain show up when ever he felt the need. He has shown up in the middle of the night knocking on our bedroom window as I lay feeding my newborn son. He even accused me once of pouring rum in the trash can (it was bleach) to throw it away. So I handed him a straw and told him to drink up if he was that desperate.


Do you have anyplace you can go with the kids when these parties are going on? You say that they call you names when you dont join in. That is abuse to both you and your children. Your kids are also seeing this and hearing this. I used to get called a "stick in the mud" and worse because I didn't want to sit out back and drink a beer with the guys. That or because I refused to go get them beer if I had to take the kids out past their bed time.

There was a night last fall where his brother became threatening to me. I hope you never have to encounter anything like this. I knew that brother in law was physically violent when he was drunk to his girlfriend but never imagined that he would threaten me with it. Not to mention my son was sleeping right beside where he was screaming at me. You may think or they may say that they would never do that. Your husband may even say that he would never allow it. The only thing you can count on in situations like that is that drinking makes people unpredictable. My husband said the same thing but it still happened and he never did do anything about it. Brother in law now knows that he is no longer welcome here. Here is the link for the post. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-prayers.html Please keep you and the kids safe! Good luck!
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:43 AM
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24 hour reprieve
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need some direction

I really needed someone to agree with my point of view. It is scary to talk about what I have been going thru. It is hard to trust people.
Thank you all, I feel a little better. Hey, I am not alone or crazy! I am smart enough to know that it is not 'normal' for 3 guys to drink 42 beers in one sitting! Or that you "can't be an Alc. if you only do it one night a wk"
I have learned a lot just reading other stuff on here. I found the Big Book online last week and it really opened my eyes. I am searching for alanon meetings for tomorrow.
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by eggshell View Post
I really needed someone to agree with my point of view. It is scary to talk about what I have been going thru. It is hard to trust people.
Thank you all, I feel a little better. Hey, I am not alone or crazy! I am smart enough to know that it is not 'normal' for 3 guys to drink 42 beers in one sitting! Or that you "can't be an Alc. if you only do it one night a wk"
I have learned a lot just reading other stuff on here. I found the Big Book online last week and it really opened my eyes. I am searching for alanon meetings for tomorrow.

You're not crazy, and you're never alone on here.
Welcome.
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:54 AM
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Welcome Eggshell! Sorry that you are going through this right now-and there has
been a lot of great advice given above already!

Al-Anon has given me the tools today to handle things in my life the way I want them to be...it is about YOU and your children!

Not taking you serious is serious! You are not crazy! You are human and deserve respect!!

In the stickies there are a list of books that you may also want to check into-the more
we know about Alcoholism and the more we learn about ourselves makes it easier to get what we want and do not want in our own lives!

Keep posting!! We are here for you-
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Old 09-09-2008, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by eggshell View Post
I really needed someone to agree with my point of view. It is scary to talk about what I have been going thru. It is hard to trust people.
Thank you all, I feel a little better. Hey, I am not alone or crazy! I am smart enough to know that it is not 'normal' for 3 guys to drink 42 beers in one sitting! Or that you "can't be an Alc. if you only do it one night a wk"
I have learned a lot just reading other stuff on here. I found the Big Book online last week and it really opened my eyes. I am searching for alanon meetings for tomorrow.


What is the Big Book? Ive never heard of that. Also I PM'd you.
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Old 09-09-2008, 07:48 PM
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I didn't answer this post right away, because it really hits close to home. We did not move back to my AH's home town, but we did move from a big city to a small town. Within about 3 years of living here, he had cultivated a circle of drinking buddies, and our house was "party central." It was horrible and it only got worse the longer it went on. Like you, I would be ridiculed and chastised for being the "fun police" as he used to say. I allowed this to go on for way too long and my children were traumatized by it.

The county deputies were familiar with our house as they were called by neighbors at least once a month due to noise. And we lived on five acres, so it was loud enough to carry pretty far. Oh, my ex is a musician, and so were most of his buddies, so most of the noise was drunken attempts at playing music. I remember one time, we had gone to a barbeque at one of my friends houses. His music buddies "dropped by" only to find us not home. What did they do? They let themselves in and proceeded to party away. The cops came that night, too, and we weren't even there! OMG.

If I had it all to do over again, I would make it known that those people are not welcome in my home. I would make it an inhospitable place to hang out. I didn't do that at the time because I wanted to keep the peace with my husband and I preferred having him at home than out on the town. It was a mistake. I should have put a stop to it immediately and protected my children.

If you threaten to call the cops, and they ignore you, then you must call. Otherwise, they will conclude that you are not serious and they will continue on, undeterred. I'm not telling you what I did. I'm telling you what I wish I would have done.

I feel for you.....

L
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Old 09-09-2008, 09:59 PM
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I also relate alot with La Tee da's post. I wish I would have called too. I was so worried about keeping the peace with his family and most of all him. It was always so much easier to try to just keep the peace. You start to worry so much about everyone else that you forget to take care of yourself. I should have started calling long ago too. I may have been taking care of my kids but that didnt stop them from being affected either.
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Old 09-10-2008, 06:15 AM
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Your home is your childrens sanctuary. Next time call the police. The day is not far off when you will be explaining why you didn't call to the officer at your house.
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