whennormal

My AH is in a treatment program (week 3). He seems to be doing well. Yesterday, he met with the psychiatrist for the first time. As suspected he has ADHD and is considering medication. Since he is an addict, Ritalin is not appropriate for him so they are looking at some other slower-acting medication. We have known for some time now that he has attention-deficit disorder and he did try Ritalin with some disasterous consequences. I am happy that he finally getting the help he needs. The problem (and it is long-standing) is that when he called last night to say what had happened with the psychiatrist he mentioned all the reasons to feel better, try this new medication, etc..... he left me out of the reasons. He listed getting his paperwork done, being neater, not losing and misplacing things, etc..... but he NEVER sees me as a reason or consideration.

He has been in treatment before - about 4 weeks after our first child was born. After that things got alot better for a long time. About three years ago he started drinking again. I knew something was wrong because he withdrew..... I did the "codependent thing" and begged him to spend more time with me, plan things with me, etc..... and he never would. I don't even think that he hears me when I say that I feel left out.

Am I codependent or am I saying that I need a husband who includes me in his thoughts and feelings? At times I feel needy and panicked and at other times I feel that I am standing up for what I need to be in a relationship. He says that in the treatment program if you bring up your spouse and their needs the counsellors will tell you to stop thinking about them and focus on yourself only. I really do understand the need to focus on yourself. I also understand the need to repair all the bad things that have occurred in our relationship and if he is not thinking of that ever than I don't have a hope of ever getting my husband back.

Lilyflower

To be completely honest to this, I would say that it is probably a little of both, JMHO.

The counsellors at his recovery centre are right - he needs to find reasons of wanting and maintaining sobriety for himself, for his future. If he focuses on things outside of himself - like bettering your relationship, he is setting himself up for relapse in the future. For example, your relationship may end, for any reason. If it ever did and he had based his sobriety on you, making you happy, making your relationship more solid etc, where would he be within himself with the realisation that it did not make life rosy for him?

This is hypothetical speaking, but this is the reason why he must find reasons within and for himself. Outside of that, things are subject to change and he will need to be able to reach within for his strength.

As a person he is choosing to spend his life with, you will benefit no end from his new found sense of commitment to himself. By taking loving care of himself, he will be available to also extend his love to you. With this love will come all the things you also want from a relationship - affection, time, quality.

I suggest that while he is focusing on healing himself, you do the same. In Codependant no more, Melody Beattie talks a lot about how to develop and maintain a healthy loving relationship, I suggest you pick up a copy to help you get through this block.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bernadette

Am I codependent or am I saying that I need a husband who includes me in his thoughts and feelings?

Well these are not mutually exclusive. Often people who are living with an addict/alcoholic have strong codie tendencies.... Irregardless of what you call it- you are searching for some help and some answers - and you may find that in some of the really great stuff written for codependents -- try Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie (widely avail at libraries)....

Keep sharing too- many of us look forward to the day our alcoholics get sober - but the reality of loving an alcoholic who is in treatment, sobriety, and recovery is that it is a new rocky road which presents unfamiliar and difficult challenges for us in our codie recovery!

He does need to focus on his recovery - for him this struggle is life or death.

You have the option to detach from his recovery - and put the focus on yourself and create the life you want while accepting the reality of the things you cannot control. You have a real relationship with this man. You also have a fantasy of how you wish it was, or how it used to be, or how it should be. I find relief when I focus on and accept REALITY.

Peace,
B.

whennormal

Thank you. I do have a copy of Codependent No More any Beyond Codependency. I was up 1/2 the night rereading both.

I don't want him to focus on me and us as he recovers and I certainly don't want to be the reason that he recovers. I have enough pressure without any of that! I simply want to be included in the list of things that he thinks will make his life more manageable - completing paperwork, spending time with kids, etc.... I guess the problem is I don't like the "real" relationship that I have with him.

Thank you for your quick and honest replies.

queenteree

I totally agree w/Lily. Many years ago, when my AH was first in recovery, I felt left out too, it didn't appear he was putting any focus on me or our relationship. But as Lily said, after a while things fell into place beautifully, and we had many happy, wonderful, loving sober years together. Be patient and be kind to yourself during this time.