need opinions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
need opinions
Yesterday, my ah had to go to a business golf outing. He is a functional A and actually quit over the summer, was doing well but relapsed recently. I know my AH can not say no to any alcohol when it is around (esp. when I am not there to watch him). He told me he would probably have a beer or two while at this. All I said was, be careful driving and he knew I still did not approve. Anyway, he went, came home a little early and was "so proud" that he only had 2 beers and his co workers were still there getting smashed. I guess there was alot of 'free" alcohol along the course. He wanted praise from me for restraining himself with only 2. I told him 2 was 2 too many for and its all or nothing. Of course then he somehoe turned the converstion over to sex, of course wanting it.... Then we started to talk about his health and how he is also supposed to get some blood work done from a physical he got while sober back in June but since he began drinking, he is not going until he quits again. I am sure he is probably diabetic, he is overweight, drinks alot of water, goes to the bathroom...all the symptoms (plus his dad was type 2-eventually lost both legs and his life). He eventually went to bed and started snoring almost immediately! Thoughts on this? I am tired after 20 + years of on again off again drinking (more on than off). He is a good husband, father but has this one major flaw. Yes, my life is not all that bad which is where I succumb to this disease...how cunning of him...he has had the same job for 14 years, pays the bill, am not in debt...so I allow this behavior to continue. he is never abusive, just usually emotional and chatty while he "secretly" does his thing. Sometimes I do feel as though I am over reacting when I see the positives but those negatives always come to mind...mainly his health which is where we are at right now. Opinions welcome. Thanks for listening to my rant. Peace to all.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Your post reminds me sooo much of a few things that have been posted on SR.
First is how we can settle for less than we deserve because we are used to a rough deal in life...
Secondly is a discussion held about ''givens'' also taken from a Melody Beattie...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1537322
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
First is how we can settle for less than we deserve because we are used to a rough deal in life...
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123 
I thought that because my XAH provided for us finacially and didn't hit me that I had to accept my marriage. It did not occur to me that I was in a dysfunctional relationship and needed help. And if I had the courage to acknowledge things were bad the terror of approaching the monster in the closet was too great and I would slink away.
I am currently rereading Codependent No More and here is a quote:
Many of us expect and need other people so much that we settle for too little. We may become dependent on troubled people.........Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from relationships. Then we become trapped, stuck. The distortion becomes bizarre. I will stay because..."He doesn't beat me. "She doesn't run around." "He hasn't lost his job." Imagine getting credit for the behaviors we ordinary mortals do as a matter of course." page 99-100
I am currently rereading Codependent No More and here is a quote:
Many of us expect and need other people so much that we settle for too little. We may become dependent on troubled people.........Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from relationships. Then we become trapped, stuck. The distortion becomes bizarre. I will stay because..."He doesn't beat me. "She doesn't run around." "He hasn't lost his job." Imagine getting credit for the behaviors we ordinary mortals do as a matter of course." page 99-100
Originally Posted by minnie
I read this passage in "Beyond Co-dependency" by Melody Beattie and wanted to share it with you all.
"Listen to the following conversation between two women. One woman is recovering from adult children issues and a marriage to an alcoholic. The other is of fairly normal descent.
"I can't decide whether to break up with my boyfriend or not,"says a woman.
"What are his good points?" asks her friend.
"Well, he works every day. He usually does what he says he's going to do. He's kind. And he never hits me."
"No," says her friend. "You don't understand. What are his good points? The things you listed are givens."
"Oh," says the woman. "I didn't know that.""
I know I have been guilty of mistaking givens for good points. As I get healthier, I am beginning to realise what is non-negotiable in my relationships with others. Compromise is one thing, sacrifice is a whole other ball game. And mistaking "givens" for acts of love is hopefully a distant memory.
"Listen to the following conversation between two women. One woman is recovering from adult children issues and a marriage to an alcoholic. The other is of fairly normal descent.
"I can't decide whether to break up with my boyfriend or not,"says a woman.
"What are his good points?" asks her friend.
"Well, he works every day. He usually does what he says he's going to do. He's kind. And he never hits me."
"No," says her friend. "You don't understand. What are his good points? The things you listed are givens."
"Oh," says the woman. "I didn't know that.""
I know I have been guilty of mistaking givens for good points. As I get healthier, I am beginning to realise what is non-negotiable in my relationships with others. Compromise is one thing, sacrifice is a whole other ball game. And mistaking "givens" for acts of love is hopefully a distant memory.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
Can I tell you how many times I heard from my AH that he only had 2 beers? It was always only 2 beers. He could be totally smashed and still telling me he had only 2 beers. I guess it sounded better than the truth and I know he always thought I was stupid when it came to his drinking. Lies and manipulation and sneaking were common.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
My stbxah used to say the same sort of thing to me all the time. "You would be proud. I only drank 2 beers." My reply was usually something along the lines of "There is nothing about your drinking that makes me proud. You're are an alcoholic and having only 2 beers is still drinking beer. If you are looking for a congratulations... Ugh gee way to go." I know its probably not the best answer to give him and I tend to be sarcastic, but that is just an arguement waiting to happen. Thinks he has to have valadation of some sort all the time when he does better than usual like it really makes it ok.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
A few years ago, I would have responded to the "2 beers" thing the same way you all did. In the past year, when my AH would tell me he only had 2 beers, I'd just respond "that's nice" and walk away. Why would I have a dialogue about how it's not acceptable or that he's an alcoholic who shouldn't have any. Would it have changed anything? No. Why put myself thru it. JMO.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 79
thanks everyone, I figured I get a few ah ha moments reading your posts. We all know what its like to live with the A. Same stories, different characters. I do enjoy hearing from others on how to handle certain situations. Peace
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