stuck in a rut :(
 

Let me start off by saying that I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend on and off for just under 10 years. I'm 26 and he's 32.
I feel like a fool, I know he's never going to change. Its seems like every weekend, I'm sitting home by myself and he's out drinking. For instance, today around 4pm he was just going to go to CVS w/ his friend and I opted to stay home since we're having a storm and it was down pouring...he's still not home, it's 8:24pm. I call and he's parked at the beach and they're "just having a few beers." Well, he can't just have a "few beers." I'm sure that I won't see him for another 5 hours, if he decides he even wants to come home. Last weekend (labor day weekend) he stayed out 2 nights in a row. When he finally decided to come home he looked terrible, his face was so bloated it was disgusting and he wreaked like alcohol.
I dont know what to do! He's been sober before, but he always relapses. I know that he is a good person deep down, but I dont know how much longer I can take of this...I'm stressed out all the time and I can't talk about this with my friends because I'm so embarressed. I know if one of my friends were in my position I would tell them to leave! I HATE alcohol because of this and something needs to happen. I dont want to waste my life waiting around for someone to act normal.
I'm thankful I found this site because at least I can get some of this off of my chest to people who understand. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! xo

If you have been lurking here for a while, as I did, I found that one of the main suggestions is Al-Anon. Now, I am not going to tell you that I go all the time...in fact, I tend to be a bit sporadic with it, BUT...when I actively participated in Al-Anon, I felt a sense of relief and control of my life.

Perhaps in addition to posting, you can try going. It helps enoromously. I am in the process of separating from my AH...like your situation, my AH is a good person when not drinking his personality away. Al-Anon and these forums help us take our eyes off the alcoholic and put them on ourselves. You CAN live your life again...this doesn't mean leaving the alcoholic if this isn't one of your intentions...it just means living for you.

Hugs to you...keep coming back!:ghug3

Welcome!

So, why not follow the advice you would give to another? What is it that keeps you in a relationship that makes you miserable?

So don't! You cannot change him or save him. Only he can do that. I think you know that by know. You can change yourself and take action to give yourself the life you want and deserve. You can prevent yourself from being dragged down along with him.

Its not easy. But if you work on yourself and decide what you want from your life, it will lead you to a better place.

Reread what you wrote. You know what you need to do. I knew what I needed to do but the problem was I was afraid, embarrassed, ashamed, and easily manipulated by the alcoholic. I knew, but I didn't want to see and that went on for 18 years.

My wish for you is that you give yourself the time you need to figure out what it is that you want. I found a counselor that has helped me tremendously. Thanks for posting and keep coming back.

WAKE UP CALL..thats what he needs ..i see you havent dialed the number..first step would be telling him this is unacceptable.you dont want this in your life..if he relapses agian your goodbye could save his life.he needs to take it seriously..just my suggestion and im in recovery i needed wake up calls r i would still b using.thanks 4 letting me share.:a043:

Hi there

I am sorry you are being treated so poorly. Some of us can easily give advice but have a harder time taking it and I am no exception. But coming to this forum and reading what others have gone through or are going through at the present time has helped me so much to get a clearer perspective on the disease of alcoholism and what it has done to me.

I decided a week ago that I could not take another day of chaos, unpredictability, the ranting and raving when he got home, the disrespect for my feelings and the disregard for anything that did not have to do with him and his needs.

I do not blame him for our break up. I am at fault too. I enabled him. I focused totally on "helping" this guy then resented him when he just wouldn't change. You see this disease makes us all sick and now I need to get better. I need to focus on me because that is all I control. Me. What do I want my life to look like? What do I need? It's been so long since I have even thought of myself.

The other day I googled....How to be more selfish...Pretty bad when you need a step by step guide to being more self focused but that is something I struggle with. I understand your pain...I also understand from your post that you long for something that is not in your control...

My advice to you is to turn your focus to yourself. You at 26 years old. You are young and vibrant and life has so much in store for you if you welcome it in. It won't happen if you are sitting home waiting for him to show up.

Do what makes you smile inside....

Maggie

jrls, Welcome. Please keep reading the posts. Please look into Alanon. I wish at 26 I had known that I was in the begining stages of an alcololic marrage. If I had had some better tools I could have saved my self alot of heart ache.

Thank you all so much for sending me good words of wisdom and advice... I truly appreciate it :ghug3
The night I posted this, he came home and I laid it all out for him and he explained to me how sick he is with this disease. Said he would stop...but he hasn't. I know waiting around for him to finally get sober is the wrong thing to do. My first step is to try to be more selfish! I'm going to do what makes me happy and I'm definitely not going to sit around at home waiting for him to show up (drunk).
I'm not exactly sure what the future holds for me, and I'm probably going to go down a few bumpy roads and I thank each and every one of you who are here for me!!!

I was in your shoes for waaaaaaay longer than I care to admit.

Read the posts on this site until you're cross-eyed. Also, write a list of the things you enjoy or want to enjoy that don't involve relationships; like hobbies you enjoy, time with friends, personal goals, hot bubble baths, etc... Do those things without regard to him. Just assume he'll spend his weekends getting torn up, make your own plans and carry them out. When you're ready, be honest with your friends so they can support and love you.

When you make the rest of your life into something that makes you happy, you will no longer be able to tolerate his b.s. and will have the strength to leave. Also know that like attracts like -- the more good I put into my life, the more good came (and continues to come) my way.

jrsl, welcome to SR! Have a read of the sticky posts too if you haven't yet - they are at the top of the forum and full of wonderful info on this disease and how it affects all involved - something I had no idea of when I first came here.

You sound as though you are watching his actions and giving little credit to the words. This is great! Addicts tend to say one thing and do another so watching was the best way to understand what was happening with my exabf and get a reality focus so decisions could be made for my happiness and health.

Keep focusing on you, keep reading and posting!

Love Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What helped me to leave the relationship with my ex ab/f was thinking about my grandmother. She was with my grandfather for 60 years. He drank the whole time. She was in and out of the psych wards with worry. It never got any better and he died from it at 85. She did not cry at the funeral. Instead, that's when her real life began. She was 80. I don't want to wait that long for my real life. I left.
KJ

jrsl,
Someone gave me this exercise and it was very eye-opening. Fold a piece of paper to make 4 sections. In the upper left write "Benefits of staying the same", upper right write "Benefits of changing", in the lower left write "Drawbacks of staying the same", and in lower right "Drawbacks of changing". Brainstorm and make a list of as many things as you can put in each section. I was surprised how long my "Benefits of change" and "Drawbacks of staying the same" were.

Not that I've made huge changes yet, but at least I'm getting the ball rolling. You can use this exercise with any decision you have to make and just change the categories to fit the decision. I'm a pretty visual learner, and something about having it on paper helps. Probably why journaling is also effective for me.