wish he'd quit

AH and I are seperated. AH now has a girlfriend. He has been comming and going as he pleases. He also will say that he will keep the kids but then has his parents keep them. There are times when I have no choice but to have them stay there because I have to work the next day. Also if they are there I know they are safe as they don't drink or anything like that.

AH has also been telling our son that he is staying with his buddy Jason when he is really with his girlfriend. I agree that our son doesnt need to know that he has a girlfriend. But he also thinks that his dad spends way to much time with this friend. I have also told our son that his dad has been working. He didnt believe it though and said that his dad may work alot but he doesnt work that much. Its so heart wrenching to watch him like this. He is only 6.

So my question is how much info should be given to kids? I don't want to lie to him but at the same time he doesnt need to know about girlfriend. The approach I have taken so far is to only give him as much information as I feel he is mature enough to handle. He also knows that his dad drinks to much. Should I try to explain alcoholism to him? I'm fairly certain if I do then AH will claim that I am trying to manipulate him. Thanks.

mallowcup

Children needn't become involved in the tit for tat of it. What your husband tells his child is also outside anything you can control. I would prefer that my child be with his paternal grandparents than an irresponsible alcoholic.
I would validate your childs feelings and not elaborate.
"Yes, I understand that you think daddy spends too much time with his friend, I'm so sorry it upsets you, it would upset me too".
Children don't look for truth so much as they look for validation.
Your husband will say what he will say. Children know who they can trust, whos word , means something.
Turn every disaster into a blessing. My ex used to leave the boys standing at the door with their suitcases packed. They waited and waited, he never came after promising.
When they became inevitably disheartened, I would save them.
"Well, before I found out daddy was taking you for a visit, I was about to suggest that you have a sleepover, I thought we'd get pizza and you and your friends can camp in the livingroom". I think we have to anticipate these disappointments.
There is one thing no woman can be, a daddy.
Do the best you can.

WLDKATZ

I agree with mallow, as the child of a tit for tat divorce, with a mother who got a COURT ORDER to protect us from our fathers GF/WIFE it is harder now as an adult to understand the reasoning behind my parents decisions at the time.....I would be grateful your son is where he is safe first off, secondly are you giving him mixed messages??? first your seperated then your together ( for the sake of work) as for what to tell him is it really up to you to tell him anything????? and if you believe he is ready what is wrong with the truth,"Daddy has an illness that claims a lot of his time".....as long as he knows his father loves him isnt that all that matters????

Good Luck!!!!


Pamm

wish he'd quit

Thanks for the responses. No there is no mixed messages. Our son knows that we are getting divorced. The only reason we are still here is because I havent been able to find an apartment yet. I think you all are right. I need to learn to try not to control so much. I guess I'm just used to trying to control every aspect of a situation involving AH's drinking. I admit I'm a codie.

Silverberry1331

That is extremely insightful and profound.

wish he'd quit

This is so true and I think that I forget that alot. I know he is just looking to me to make sure everything is ok.