wish he'd quit

I have had quite a day today. I went and saw the attorney who is doing our disolussion. He had the papers and everything drawn up but there were changes that needed to be made. MOst of them were small but the one main one that I had added was that neither of us are supposed to drink 12 hours prior or during the time of having custody of the kids. I have been saying the entire time that I wanted it added, so he has known. Well when I told him he informed me that it was childish of me. He claims that he would never do anything to jeopardize him having contact with the kids and that I can't control his drinking. He is claiming it is childish because I can no more control his drinking than children's services would come in and inspect my house. Yes it is true that I am not the most greatest housekeeper. I have always had issues with being organized and staying on top of housework. Its not from laziness or anything like that. I do housework but have a hard time staying on top of it being a mom and going to school. I am also now back to work part time. I should also mention that he doesnt help with anything other than occassionally taking down the trash. SO I told him if he would never do anything to jeopardize his kids then not drinking shouldnt be a big deal. He said he was tired of me treating him like a baby over it. I understand that while I may not be able to control his drinking I can control when he see's the kids. I also could care less if someone came and went through my house. Yes it is a bit messy right now. Especially the kids rooms. However it is straightened enough to be good enough. But seriously though is asking for him not to drink being that unreasonable?

This all brings me to going to the counselors. He made me feel so much better. This is the guy that we were supposed to see together to help us work through issues but AH walked out. He said from the sounds of it I have my head on straight and am making good decisions. That is comforting to hear because after everything he said to me yesterday and every other day I question myself. He is trying to say that my friends have been coaching me through getting a divorce. That is SO not true. They may have told me that I could do better than the treatment I was getting from him, but I was the one that decided one day that I had had enough. Ugh but when is this going to get any better? I know he is doing this out of hurt and anger but Im just ready to move on.

denny57

It got better for me when I truly believed he was quacking and manipulating and I was doing what was in my best interests. One day at a time.

Hang in there!

p.s. today when my instincts tell me to ask for something, I listen

LaTeeDa

If your A is anything like mine was, it's all a power struggle. Well, if I can't drink, then you need to keep a cleaner house. Quack, quack, quack.

I seriously doubt that your messy house puts the kids in any danger. On the other hand, his drinking could. Getting you to second-guess your own soundness of mind is the goal. Don't fall for it.

L

wish he'd quit

You are so right! I actually told him last night to stop quacking at me because I will no longer listen to his abusive words. Maybe I do treat him like a baby but its because he was making horrible decisions. Decisions that would have affected my childrens safety. You are right. One day at a time. Thats exactly what I am doing. I'm just so grateful for this site and for all my friends that have been such great support.

wish he'd quit

This sounds exactly like my AH. He is losing control of everything. He doesnt have control of me any more and it is eating at him. He thinks he is preventing me from having a social life if he isnt comming home or what ever. Well I could care less if he does. So the only people he is hurting is himself and the kids for not calling them. I hate that he is doing it but I cant control his actions.

Bernadette

I do housework but have a hard time staying on top of it being a mom and going to school.

And because housework SUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I once found myself at a table with a group of much wealthier women who happened to all be complaining about their housecleaners. I was so annoyed (jealous!!!). I finally said- "Oh I know- my girl sucks too - her name is Bernadette - lousy housekeeper!"

Living with my father's alcoholism as a kid is what messed me up. Not the dust bunnies under our couch.

Just keep doing the next right thing for you and your kids. Let him quack!
Peace and (((hugs)))-
B.

Rainbowsend

I think social services would be far more worried about a drunk in charge of children that a pile of ironing in the corner of a living room and a pile of washing up in the sink. He's trying to justify his behavior

respektingme

Absolutely everything you repeated that he said read "quacking" to me. We've all experienced our A's minimizing their drinking problems and comparing them to our shortcomings. An addiction is NOT a shortcoming!!!!! It's a massive force that turns our A's into bowling balls of terror and everyone around them into pins. His drinking could kill your children and he's still arguing for his right to drink when he's in charge of them? Bla, bla and more bla. If I wind up divorced, I will absolutely ask the courts for the same clause as you.

And as for your AH telling you that your friends are coaching you through your divorce? Is he jealous? Just how many true friends do A's usually have? Kinda hard for A's to be good friends to others when their first priority is booze. So what if your friends are supporting you? Sounds to me like he's scared and grasping at straws.

When someone allows their addiction to cost them their marriage and the ability to live with their own children, they've chosen their consequence. Time for them to get it while you get your sanity and happiness. It's been a long time coming I'm sure, and I can't wait until you get to the end of this divorce business so you can post how much peace you are experiencing. No more quacking!!!

hadenoughnow

He is quacking big time, don't back down on the not drinking provision. The purpose is not to try and control him but to have something in writing to protect you and the kids in the event that he does drink and you need to remove them from his custody (BTW my divorce agreement states that HE cannot drink or be under the influence when our son has visitation, he wanted to take it out and I said "ok, see you in court then", he signed it).

shellygirl

After getting a divorce yesterday I can only tell you from my perspective what has happened to me. I have realized when AH does show up (once every 3 months) to see our son, no matter what the paper works says, he will be usually have been drinking. I CANNOT control that and neither can a piece of paper. Also since he left my house is a lot more of a mess because I work full time, go to school and just do the best I can now. It sounds like you have wonderful friends and a great attitude. Your children and friends are lucky to have you. Keep up your fighting spirit!!

murphy1

sounds like to me that you have done a brillant job on clearing out the clutter.your are lucky you have good suport ,he is jealous you have friends ,A thinks while you are at home cleaning he at least knows where you are,my two girls look around our home and say mum its you that makes it home ,not the cleaning ,in my opinion you babies are lucky to have you on their side,:praying

GiveLove

Here in our town, this week we had a drunk driver crash through the window of an ice cream store and kill three people, including a three year old boy out with his family.

Last time I checked, a pile of dirty clothes never gets hazardous enough to kill anybody.

Quack. Quack. Quack.

Keep up the good work girl.

wish he'd quit

Thank You to everyone for knowing exactly what to say to make me feel better. ( Or give me a good kick in the rear when I need that too.) There is no way that I will remove the provision. He has known about this for a long time. He said that the day that I told him I wanted a divorce that that was his rock bottom. Obviously not. He never did go for any sort of counseling other than the apointment that he walked out on. But not my problem any more.


That is horrible about the guy killing 3 people. That story spoke volumes to me. It reminded me of when AH got his DUI a few years ago. He was supposed to take his brother and Brother's step son home that night. Well my sister in law and I ended up going to pick up her son and nobody even realized that he was missing until they were leaving. Brother in law got mad and started walking. AH could have very well have had that child in the truck with him when he rolled it. It reminds me that they really don't stop to think of anyone else.

YellowRed

Great thread. I have a similar issue with my AH in the process of our divorce. Yes it's true you may not be able to stop him turning up/breathalyse him etc every time he has a visit with the kids, but setting down the request is relevant and tells you a lot about his attitude. Also you never know if it might be useful in the future - it clearly demonstrates your concerns. Are your kids' visits supervised? If he is going to spend time with them drunk that can be dangerous physicaly as well as emotionally (I never heard of a pile of ironing driving anyone into therapy in later life!) and teh safety and well-being of your kids should be uppermost. I know these negotiationa can be exhausting, especially when you are dealing with an A (who likely changes his stance/uses manipulation/tries to turn your arguments on you all the time) but just remember, you will look back on it and know you did all you could for you and your children and you'll be really grateful for that. He is just quacking, as others have said, a defense tactic since he's not in control. Keep your head together and don't doubt yourself - alcoholics are very good at that! Remember to take a step back and look at the facts: he is chosing alcohol abuse over his family -- anyone with that kind of logic is going to have a really messed up view of all other decisions they make. You are the one with your head screwed on straight. Well done for getting to this point - be strong!

wish he'd quit

Thats a good point about the breathalyzer. I wonder if I can buy one if they arent to expensive. I'm really trying to figure out a way to enforce this. Think I may call and talk to a friend of mine that works for the local sheriffs department. Not sure he would know since he isnt a deputy but I dont know anyone else.

Rainbowsend

I googled breathalyzer kits as I know they are available relatively inexpensively in the UK. This is a US site that suppiles a range Alcohol Breathalyzer, Breath Test, & Analyzer Kits @Home Relying on them is not a good idea IMO though as what's to stop him picking up some booze as soon as he's collected the kids.

Pub culture is huge in the UK and I've seen so many "Sunday" dads that think nothing of going down the pub with the kids in tow and keeping them there best part of the day. So sad to see; the fathers don't interact with the children, the kids are bored out of there head with just crisps and a bottle of cola to keep them occupied and worst of all the children experience this so often that it seems normal to them.