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AH Has Asked for a Divorce!!

Old 09-04-2008, 10:14 PM
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AH Has Asked for a Divorce!!

Well.....after 8 months of living in a household where I have set firm boundaries....and after almost 19 years of living in a household where any kind of behavior was accepted......my AH has decided that he wants a divorce!!!

Is it a coincidence that he feels our marriage is not savable now that I've finally stood up for myself and am no longer enabling him?

All I can say is Wow....this disease is so powerful, and it has torn my family apart...

My job now is to protect myself and my children, as he wants 50/50 custody!!! I've told him that I will have to bring up his drinking and use of drugs, and he says that it would not be in the best interest of the children if I do this, and do I want to fight or go about it reasonably!!!!!????????

I tell him that I have a major concern about his ability to parent while he continues to drink....he says....here we go again, it always goes back to the drinking!!!!!

Well.....I wonder why it always goes back to the drinking????? Maybe because that is the root cause of the demise of our marriage????

I can't wait to see my counselor next week...I need some sanity!!!!

I am standing my ground no matter what anybody says (i.e., comments from neighbors telling me that I need to compromise and let my poor husband drink in his own home)!!!! Huh???? I wonder what they'd think if I told them how many times my AH has urinated in places other than the bathroom in our home????

Yikes.........please pray for me and my children.


Shivaya
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
Yikes.........please pray for me and my children.
You got it. And I'm not even a pray-er.

FWIW, you are going about it reasonably, whether he sees it that way or not.

You will face many challenges ahead, but you have my strength to supplement yours when you need it. And, although I don't like to speak for others, I think you will have the strength of many of us as you navigate this new passage in your life.

((((Shivaya))))


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Old 09-04-2008, 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
I can't wait to see my counselor next week...I need some sanity!!!!
BTW, can you move up the appointment? Seems to me this is an occasion that deserves 'emergency treatement.'

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Old 09-04-2008, 10:39 PM
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Shivaya,
Hugs to you.
You sound like you have been an amazingly patient and strong woman. I hope you find the support and inspiration here to create a new, wonderful path to follow.
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Old 09-04-2008, 11:05 PM
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I can only imagine what you are going through and my prayers and thoughts are with you. Stay strong! I think that you are doing the right thing and that putting your children first is the best thing you can do. You have been very patient and tolerant and it looks like you have hit your limit. Come here for inspiration. This place has been very important for me in getting me through my breakup with my XAB. I hope you derive inspiration and support from here, like I did and continue to do so on a daily basis.
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Old 09-04-2008, 11:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
I tell him that I have a major concern about his ability to parent while he continues to drink....he says....here we go again, it always goes back to the drinking!!!!!

Well.....I wonder why it always goes back to the drinking?????
Get a good attorney. Do you have family/friends who can testify, if necessary, that your husband has been intoxicated in front of the children, had any sort work-related problems due to his drinking, DUI's, work-related problems, etc.?

Yep, here we go again. I've heard that same old blah, blah, blah. It's a bunch of baloney and their way of showing contempt towards their spouse in order to deflect the responsibility they refuse to take.

So if he wants to make a big noise about it "going back to the drinking," let the judicial system decide that it does indeed go back to the drinking!
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Old 09-05-2008, 03:08 AM
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(((Shivaya))),

You have been totally reasonable, mature, and filled with grace for so long in trying to maintain YOUR boundaries for YOUR children. You have my strength and prayers coming your way also. Chin up, girl, and get that lawyer now.
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Old 09-05-2008, 04:01 AM
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Isn't it amazing how A's think they are good for their kids and it would be 'hurting' them by putting restrictions on their visitation???
My xabf would say things like that about his kids (w/h xw) He is the one that does all this stuff (broken promises/not being there/paying support etc) But it'll be hurting his kids if he goes to jail...for unpaid fines, child support.
They want their kids when they want their kids...the 24/7 child rearing can be left to somebody else.
I once said to him as he was screaming at me that the best thing he can do for his kids is disappear...his xw is remarried to a wonderful man who has stepped up on numerous occassions. He is the best 'father figure' those kids could have.
A's don't realize that all the broken promises are worse then if they actually beat them.

You CAN make it part of the divorce that he not drink while with the kids. You can make it very 'difficult' for him...though NOT impossible...IF he WANTS to see the kids he will do what is asked. It's up to HIM.
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Old 09-05-2008, 04:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya
Well.....I wonder why it always goes back to the drinking????? Maybe because that is the root cause of the demise of our marriage????
I have found that drinking and drugging is merely a symptom of the existing problem not the cause of the problem. I have seen people quit using and things remain the same or even get worse because they are still are not sober in their emotions, spirit, and mind.
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Old 09-05-2008, 04:39 AM
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What b.s. I can totally understand your frustration. It's so totally unfair that you get married, plan a family together and the alcoholic spouse infiltrates the dream you thought you both shared, with HIS addiction. It's so selfish. And after the many years of damage is done and they decide to get sober, surprise, he's going to leave.

I know you're going to have a ton of emotions to go through. I think if I were you, I'd try to work through the resentment with the counselor so that you can look forward to the peace and sanity you will have when the split is over.

My AH also says it always comes back to his drinking. Yeah, no kidding. Funny how your AH says it's in the children's best interest not to bring up his drinking in court. Boy, he really wants his cake and to eat it too. 8 months combined with the stress of a divorce sounds ripe for a relapse to me. Like you'd keep that secret from the courts?? For what reason? For all you know, he's having cravings like crazy and could be planning the day when you're gone so he can drink and pee freely.

His priority has been booze for all these years. Convenient that he had someone around to put the kids first. Now he wants 50/50 after 8 months of sobriety? Sounds equally selfish to me. I'd be just as ticked and hurt if it happened to me. Get a good lawyer.
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Old 09-05-2008, 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted by splendra View Post
I have found that drinking and drugging is merely a symptom of the existing problem not the cause of the problem. I have seen people quit using and things remain the same or even get worse because they are still are not sober in their emotions, spirit, and mind.
I agree. My AH saw a psychiatrist one time who wanted to delve into the reason he drinks. I don't know if he didn't go back because he didn't want to face what could be wrong or if AA was saying he drinks because he's an alcoholic. Either way, guess we'll never know.

But one thing I've noticed since my Ah has been sober for the past 6 weeks, is that it's shockingly odd how unfamiliar we are with the sober way of life. It seems like we used to invite drama. Now it seems too easy just to shut the door to it. Regardless, things are changing and I also could wind up surprised someday that he wants to split. I really don't know what's going on in his head.

My AH has attempted sobriety (countless times) and has become so arrogant before. It was as if he were out to make me pay. He used to say that many spouses don't like it when their A's get sober, because all the sudden the A's are now involved in many aspects that they had been checked out of before, like finances and child-rearing. But it wasn't like he was sober and wanting to handle everything as a team. He was coming in to take charge and prove how poorly I had been handling things. So his "sobriety" always came at a price to me. Many times, his attempts at sobriety were just as nerve-racking as his drinking.

Anyway, back to the original poster, I believe true sobriety comes with complete and total humility and a true belief that the A's have completely screwed up their lives, and trust that there are others (HP's, AA and sponsors) who can help them make better choices. A's are too used to making pisspoor decisions. It's insane to think that after 8 months, your AH thinks he's got his act together enough to know that a divorce is best for him, that he can handle 50/50 custody and that he can get you to keep your mouth shut in court about his problem. A problem that has been a 1-ton elephant in your marriage for all these years and now isn't worthy of mentioning? Sounds like his thinking still stinks. You've hung with him through many years of addiction. You've lost more sleepless nights then you can count. You've worried incessantly. You've stayed with him. For whatever reason you did this, it's now time for you to think about YOU and what is best for your kids. I think you'll find peace and sanity after this is over and a chance for true happiness. He'll probably cave and beg you to come back at some point in the process. Do whatever is best for YOU.
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Old 09-05-2008, 05:30 AM
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Not to make light of the subject...my A threatened divorce on a weekly basis, two to three times a week. It was always a huge part of his quacking process. I told him to be my guest...but he would have to be the one to file and carry it through. I would not take care of that process too. Needless to say he is still here. I am prepared to follow up if he were to ever follow through, but in the meantime, I am lining up the ducks and will be prepared for what happens when it happens, whether it's my choice or his.

Take care of you and the kids and lean on that HP for support...things have a way of working out for the people around here! I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Old 09-05-2008, 05:44 AM
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xAH didn't ask - he just filed after I told him I was attending Al-Anon.

From my experience, I would say never underestimate the lengths he might go to over the children. Of course, it would have nothing to do with them, but that is besides the point.

I wish you all the best - it is one powerful disease. I am stronger for having survived it.
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Old 09-05-2008, 06:18 AM
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He is using the kids and the threat of divorce and 50/50 custody as leverage to try and get you to "go back" to the way things used to be. He is even "recruiting" others to tell you to let him drink in his own home. Don't fall for it, just tell him that if he does not give you physical custody that you WILL ask for a court ordered eval. Drunks hate scrutiny and will do anything to avoid it.
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Old 09-05-2008, 06:23 AM
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Wow Shivaya- I am thinking of you. Your situation is so like mine. I'd been slowly working on me- got into grad school, going to al-anon, going to a counselor, so things were changing on my end at home. . . but not on his end. Sure- he went to treatment- but it was because I "made him do it." A year ago out of the blue he said he wanted a separation and it blew my socks off! Now I look back at it, and I think it's a gift. It's not what I ever thought I'd be dealing with, but then neither was alcoholism. I'm wondering if he's dead serious or if it could be an attempt at manipulation? Mine told me numerous times he thought I'd realize what a great guy he is and want him back. No thanks. I think he was annoyed I was finally waking up and not enabling him the way I had. He also was very argumentative about alcoholism- saying the same things your AH has. . . Well- yes it is an issue! Mine has never fought for 50/50 custody. He told me dd should live with me, and he has done very little since he left- However I will not ignore what his problem is. I talked to my attorney about it, and put something in writing about parenting time and absolutely no alcohol use 24 hours before or during- PM me if you want more info.

Please take care of yourself and your kids- I know how hard it can be, but I have faith you can do it. I've been really impressed with how you've been handling yourself- especially getting your business going. You have my support and experience if you need it.
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Old 09-05-2008, 07:22 AM
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Fight for your kids. The only person who will think the drinking is 'ok' around the kids is an alcoholic. I am fighting for my little girl right now and my claws are out. No way am I letting my AH destroy her life. Sure, I am scared to death, but its worth it.
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Old 09-05-2008, 07:48 AM
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I need to clarify a point......

My AH is NOT in recovery!!! He is NOT sober!!!! He's just doing all his drinking/drugging at a neighbor's house b/c I asked him NOT to drink in our home anymore!!!

Thanks for your support,

Shivaya
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Old 09-05-2008, 08:20 AM
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Having just gone through a divorce w/children in CA, I'll share some things I learned.

There are two kinds of custody--legal and physical. They can be awarded as 'joint' or 'sole.' The courts are very hesitant to order sole custody unless there is a valid reason, such as the absence of a parent due to incarceration, or some such thing. Legal custody has to do with who makes decisions about the children, such as where they go to school, etc. Like I said, the courts are quite hesitant to order sole legal or physical custody to one parent unless there is an overwhelming reason to do so.

Then the issue comes down to visitation. Even if you have joint physical custody, that doesn't mean the children have to spend half their time with each parent. My kids spend over 80% of their time at my house, yet we still have joint physical custody. BTW, the percentage of time is one of the factors used in determining the amount of child support. This is probably why he wants it to be 50/50.

If the two of you cannot agree on a parenting plan for custody and visitation and you want the court to make a ruling on these issues, you will be ordered to attend mandatory parenting classes and court mediation. The court mediator's only responsibility is to determine what is in the best interests of the children and make a recommedation to the judge. Judges almost always order exactly what the mediator recommends.

Please get to an attorney ASAP. Especially if you have one in mind. The reason for this is because if an attorney consults with you regarding your divorce, your H cannot hire that attorney. It doesn't matter if you hire them or not, the fact that they talked with you precludes them from talking with him.

PM me if you want.

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Old 09-05-2008, 08:25 AM
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LaTeeDa,

Thanks for the clarification. I can't imagine actually splitting a kid's life into 50/50 is good for them. They need a home base. I also suspect the case for 50/50 is being fueled by $$. That just stinks.
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Old 09-05-2008, 08:50 AM
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Question

Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
Well.......my AH has decided that he wants a divorce!!!
Sounds like God is doing for you what you couldn't or wouldn't do for yourself.

Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
Well.....I wonder why it always goes back to the drinking????? Maybe because that is the root cause of the demise of our marriage????
yes, that's the outward problem yet, have you looked at your part (why you stayed...)

Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
I am standing my ground no matter what anybody says (i.e., comments from neighbors telling me that I need to compromise and let my poor husband drink in his own home)!!!! Huh???? I wonder what they'd think if I told them how many times my AH has urinated in places other than the bathroom in our home????
Huh? It doesn't matter what the neighbors (or even yourself) thinks (classic comment! ha)...it matters what you say and do. This is your life, not a dress rehearsal.

Personally, I wouldn't try and discuss the perimeters of the divorce or custody with him as he is an active alcoholic. Just do the right action for YOU and let your lawyer and therapist direct you along the way.

May prayers go your way for strength and guidance.
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