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AH Has Asked for a Divorce!!

Old 09-05-2008, 10:14 AM
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My AH is NOT in recovery!!! He is NOT sober!!!! He's just doing all his drinking/drugging at a neighbor's house b/c I asked him NOT to drink in our home anymore!!!
DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Get a notebook, write down times, dates, what is said upon his return from the neighbors when he is out of it, even get a little tape recorder and tape him when he's high. Document any job problems, ie firings or suspensions because of drinking, and of course, any DUI's or bar fights

Give all to your attorney and intensely express your concerns about him have unsupervised visitation. Family Court in California is notoriously for ordering Supervised Visitation.

Do not concern yourself with his Alcoholic QUACKING. That is all it is, Quacking.

You Shivaya are an inspiration to others. You are doing what is best for you and your children.

Thank you for being here.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-05-2008, 10:14 AM
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You are doing great, Shivaya! Keep up the good work! There are so many who have been where you are and it can be done and your life will be better- promise!

One comment: I was terrified that my exAH would want to do all kinds of visitation with our kids, take them places drunk, etc etc and drove myself crazy with the "whatifs". Turns out that he had virtually NO INTEREST in the kids after our separation and I painfully realized it was because taking care of young kids can INTERFERE with one's drinking and drug use and we can't have that now can we? Once he understood that the kids were not going to be available as a tool to manipulate me all those threats just abruptly ended. As long as I remembered what was #1 in his life, I relaxed.

Now my kids think of him more as a crazy uncle or something than an actual "Dad".
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Old 09-05-2008, 10:15 AM
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Shivaya- Like I said above- my AH told me I should have physical custody of dd. That means she lives with me. However he does have visitation- he sees her T/Th nights and every other weekend. She does not have overnights with him.

Legal custody- as LTD said- is a different ball game. It has to do with parental rights- like schools, doctors, etc. Saying you want sole legal custody is like taking away his rights as a parent to voice an opinion and have an effect of those matters. That would be very extreme. It may be that your AH wants 50/50 in order to reduce his $$$ responsibility. The more he has them, the less he pays you child support.

I agree with scorpio girl- don't discuss anything with him. Get yourself a lawyer asap and talk about what you want. The lawyer can help you sort it all out. Good luck!
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Old 09-05-2008, 10:16 AM
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Smile

Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
......My AH is NOT in recovery!!! He is NOT sober!!!!

But you are, right? (I'm not sure so forgive me for asking). If you are, (and even if you're not actually), your life depends on you; nobody else. I truly believe we create our own realities. We create what we want in our lives. Yes, it's true.

Take your power back!
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Old 09-05-2008, 10:18 AM
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Also- I would be careful about the video taping. I would not under any circumstances allow him to see you taping him or let him know you have the tapes.

The one really violent episode we had was when I was taping my exAH, stumbling around trying to put diapers on a 5 year old who had been potty trained for 2 years (hey- it's easy to get those kids confused) foolishly thinking he would watch it and immediately repent! All I got was a big physical fight over the camera and a bunch of bruises. It wasn't worth it.
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Old 09-05-2008, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by scorpiogirl View Post
But you are, right? (I'm not sure so forgive me for asking).
*momentary hijack*

Hey sg,

It's really easy to read a poster's history. Just click on their name, go to view public profile, statistics, and click on find all threads started by..........

Much quicker and easier than asking them all about their history.

L

*back to topic*
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Old 09-05-2008, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
he says....here we go again, it always goes back to the drinking!!!!!


Shivaya
I can't tell you how many times I have heard my AH say this. It is a tactic to deflect from the real issue of their drinking...as if we are the crazy ones.

Stay strong...Don't let him waltz circles around you. My AH was hooting and hollering about wanting a divorce (when I started laying down the boundaries), and guess what? He reneged...once he saw that I was serious, he decided to back pedal..saying he only said that to "get my attention because as usual you aren't listening."

Think this through and take action. You may find you are the one filing and following through rather than him. For me, his threats of divorce and desertion were one of the wake up calls for me, and now I am the one taking the action.

Be prepared for a backpedal...

BTW, if he should do that and YOU decide you want to continue with the divorce, I would bet my last dollar that he will turn it around on you like you are wounding him...then again, I am just speaking from my experience. I found that the AH's threats to divorce weren't so much as wanting to lose his enabler and be free, but rather a tactic to make me back down on these boundaries I laid out.
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Old 09-05-2008, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
... I've told him that I will have to bring up his drinking and use of drugs, and he says that it would not be in the best interest of the children if I do this, and do I want to fight or go about it reasonably!!!!!????????
Strange, I thought you were thinking of the best interests of the children by stating this! They should start a programme called ''A's say the silliest things'', this would be a good one.

Shivaya, hugs to you hunny! you have tried so hard to give him space to come to terms with his own problems whilst taking care of you and your children. I am sorry that things have come to this.

Good luck to you throughout the divorce, I have never had to do this, so I have no advice to give, just plently of luvvin' and huggin'



Blessings and love to you and the kiddies

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-05-2008, 02:25 PM
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More clarification.....Yes, I've been in recovery for myself for about 10 months now, seeing a counselor, reading Al-Anon books and coming here. Still a long way to go, but I'm getting there!

I know why I have stayed for so long, for so many different reasons:

1. Lack of self-esteem in the past. Felt I did not deserve anything better than what I have. I have worked through this and feel great about myself and the decisions that I make!

2. I am an Enabler as well as co-dependent! I am working, working, working, and learning, learning about these behaviors and how they've done me no good!

Scorpiogirl....I think you are right on when you say God has done something for me that I'm too afraid to do for myself!

I have made contact with an attorney, but have yet to set the appt. I need to do this.

I have documented on my calendar those nights when he's out, and those nights when I work and come home with the kids still up, and I can tell he's been drinking. Don't know how well that will work for proof, but if it comes to it...maybe the court could depose neighbors/friends.

I know that he is serious about the divorce. He has honestly never planned anything in our 19 years together, I've always been the one to plan. And now, he has taken the responsiblity of planning our divorce, he's been doing research, really wants us to go to mediation, says I don't need my own attorney, 50/50 custody of the children....the list goes on!!

I don't think he has ever communicated so clearly to me as he has in discussing divorce!

Uuggghhh!!!!

Thanks all so much for your support!

Shivaya
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Old 09-05-2008, 02:36 PM
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I drug my feet on a divorce for two years after I left the AH and was living two hours away.

It took one phone call from him threatening to cut my brake lines if I didn't file (and he was violent and psychotic when using), and I found an attorney! I could not bank on that threat as a bluff.

God gave me a really big nudge on that one, and I am grateful that he did
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Old 09-05-2008, 03:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
says I don't need my own attorney
Priceless.

I hope you get one.
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Old 09-05-2008, 03:54 PM
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(((((Shivaya)))))
I have always admired your spirit, and your steadfastness with your boundaries.
I mean no disrespect to you or your marriage but when I read the title of your thread I actually smiled and was happy for you! I know it is hard and painful and at times may feel overwhelming - just take it one day at a time-- so much love and energy will be freed up for you once you are not having to deal with this unhealthy relationship.
:praying for your strength and serenity...
B.
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Old 09-05-2008, 04:04 PM
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In case I was mis understood, I made no mention of 'video taping.' Just a small audio recorder, that you can record how he is verbally acting, ie slurring, making no sense, etc.

Audio tapes have been used many times in custody proceedings.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-05-2008, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
I have made contact with an attorney, but have yet to set the appt. I need to do this.
You really do. If he has been researching and planning, it is likely he has or is planning to make some moves that will benefit him. (Such as moving money out of bank accounts, etc.) If you wait until he files to talk to an attorney, your recourses to protect yourself from these kind of things could be limited. I hope he isn't planning on doing anything underhanded, but better safe than sorry.

L
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Old 09-05-2008, 05:20 PM
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You need to see an attorney ASAP IMO.
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Old 09-05-2008, 05:30 PM
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I had a hard time contacting an attorney as well...but I felt great after i did it.

We tried mediation due to XAH insisting...it did not work, was a waste of time and money, and was hard to bear emotionally because I had to sit across from a furious, quacking alcoholic. He manipulated the mediator just like he manipulates every one.

The lawyer worked out much better for me.

Your husband and my X quack exactly the same. I could have written your post. It will be hard my dear, but you and your kids will be better off. Praying and take extra gentle care of yourself.
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Old 09-05-2008, 06:40 PM
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My best friend's husband tried convincing her she didn't need an attorney either. I managed to talk her into at least seeing one. She did and took the legal route. Turned out, he has just gotten a new job (same company) for $30k more a year. Made a big difference in the child support. Plus, found out he hadn't been bringing home his bonuses for over 10 years and had been spending them on guns. So far, he's going to owe her about 100k.

Not so say everyone is stealing so much $$, but there is a reason when someone urges you NOT to get an attorney. Run to see one.
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Old 09-05-2008, 06:41 PM
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I know I need my own attorney, this was one of the first things I said to him! I'm calling on Monday to set up an appt.

He has opened his own checking acct. months ago, and has now canceled our joint credit card acct., and opened his own only in his name!!

He has been sleeping down stairs for almost 10 months (his choice), I never asked him to get out of our bed.

My denial is very, very strong, in that I still can't believe that he wants to divorce wonderful me!!! I just don't get it!!! It's like I need to hear it over and over, from him, that he actually wants a divorce. I keep on asking him, is this still what you want? And the answer is "yes" everytime!!!

Why can't I accept this? I suppose I am accepting it as I am making plans to see an atty., but it really just does not seem real!!!

So here's what I want: I want to keep our house and live here with the children. I want him to pay the mortgage until I am financially able to do so. He can have visitation with the kids, but I will be the sole caretaker. I want everything I have now, minus him. I know an atty. will help me sort all of this out.

My friends at SR, I really appreciate your support so much!! And Denny57, I am so happy to see you back on here, I missed you!!!

Shivaya
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Old 09-05-2008, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
So here's what I want: I want to keep our house and live here with the children.
Thanks.

Many "opposing" attorneys count on the wife/mother to want this - badly. From my experience, it might help to start trying emotionally detaching from the house. A home is where you make it.

I predict lots of requests for you to compromise to allow you to keep the house. I've heard countless stories of women who regretted that 5 years down the road. Try to think long term.

There are some excellent books out there written specifically for women going through divorce.

I went through a trial that lasted over 2 years. I learned during that time to start thinking with my head, not my heart. Anything I did at the beginning to try and be amicable came back to bite me in the butt. Divorce from an active alcoholic is not for sissies.

Good luck!
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:03 AM
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Denny is right about this not being for the faint of heart.

My ex and I split our assets 50/50, in my case me keeping the house made the most sense since the mortgage was in my name only and my "half" of my ex's pension was roughly equal to his "half" of our house equity. My ex had consultations with 3 attorneys but never hired one probably since none of then could do what he really wanted which was to stop me from leaving him. Him not having an attorney probably made things cheaper (no attorneys running up bills talking to each other) but more difficult because he didn't show up for any hearings so my attorney was having to send him letters of default. It also put the burden on me to get him to sign things in order to get it over with.

To top it all off AFTER it was final he had a 21 day period to appeal the judgment and started quacking that he was going to hire a lawyer to overturn the property settlement! I told him that I hope he had at least 10k laying around to waste since any attorney willing to take his nuisance case was going to suck him dry LOL.

This guy who:

Tried to refuse being served with divorce papers (threw them at the process server)

Refused to hire an attorney

Didn't answer the complaint

Signed the divorce agreement just to get out of going to a parenting plan meeting (no I am not kidding)

Did not show up for mediation (but refused to cancel it)

Did not show up for the final hearing

Refused to sign the quit claim to the house (took me two weeks and many threats to get back from him)

Thought that he was going to get the divorce and agreement vacated........
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