blessed4x

I got sucked in. AH woke me up at 1am, flipped on the light, and wanted to know what MY problem is. He went on and on about how he's the only one trying, he quit drinking during the week and that proves he's not an alcoholic, blah, blah, blah. I defended myself for an hour. I should know better, but I thought maybe since he was sober it might make sense to him. He said in no uncertain terms he does not believe he is an alcoholic, and that he will not stop drinking on the weekends. I told him it's just no longer an acceptable way for me to live. He slept the rest of the night on the couch. I can't go home tonight after work and pretend it never happened like we have so many times before. What do I do now? My old patterns are to avoid and busy myself until it all blows over. I don't have it in me to keep on like that. I welcome any thoughts, advice, and reality checks.

Pajarito

Sober or not, he obviously thinks very differently from you. It's very hard to grasp that someone you love can do what he does- even when he's sober- and not "get" why it is hard on you. I found that my problem was in seeing the reality- my STBXAH- like your AH- did not see himself as an alcoholic. Yet- he was evaluated and found to be chemically dependent, he went to treatment, he sat up night after night drinking on the couch- and yes- sleeping on it. He didn't see himself as having a problem- even after all that. ("I can quit whenever I want; You made me go to treatment; Those doctors are quacks; You're trying to control me; yadda, yadda, yadda. . .") I did not want to live with it either- yet I was afraid to look at the reality. It's hard to step out of our comfort zone, but I think once we do it's amazing how many other options become available to us.

What do you want to do for yourself? Have you been thinking about setting boundaries, about leaving, about simply going to a meeting? The more reality checks I made available to myself- coming here, going to meetings, talking to friends and family, reading, the more my life opened up.

Lilyflower

((((blessed)))) I can't remember if you say you have children? If not then how about staying out tonight, at a friends house perhaps? Get your thoughts together about what you want to do, how to move forward.

I you do need to go home then you can take action. Your A has in as much words, told you he will not give up drinking. He has placed the ball firmly in your court. So now you need to take time and answer some hard questions, make some difficult decisions about where you want to go, what your future will hold for you.

By all means, if he is sober-ish (I say this because a week without a drink doesn't quailfy as sober in my experinence with my abf, who would act like a drunk after this time) then I would state that you do not accept being disturbed at that time of night to discuss his problem with you, lay some boundaries i.e if you have a problem you want to discuss, then you need to wait to speak to me during the time at am at home after work and not wake me. If you do this again I will.....

So you argued back, stood your ground, defended yourself - ie got caught up in the quacking. That's ok - progress not perfection.

One thing, if you have said ''..it's just no longer an acceptable way for me to live'' then you need to follow this up with action. Otherwise your A will not take your new stance seriously, and keep pushing your boundaries.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

blessed4x

Thank you both. Yep, got 4 kids ranging from 16 to 4. They are in every activity under the sun, which I know has been my escape route for dealing with all of this sooner. Having the ball in my court makes my VERY uncomfortable, but you are 100% correct that I need to step out of my comfort zone. Thank you again. I know there are so many of us members (and lurkers) in the same boat that I am hopeful the advice will help many.

LaTeeDa

I hope you recognize this for the manipulation it is. I don't know about you, but waking me up in the middle of the night to pick a fight is unacceptable. I like my sleep! I fell into the trap of convincing myself that the drinking was the problem, and if only he would stop, everything would be alright. I was wrong. It was nothing but a power struggle. Me trying to get him to admit he was an alcoholic and stop drinking. Him trying to prove he wasn't an alcoholic and he could 'control' it. It was exhausting.

What I finally came to realize, especially once when he quit drinking for four months, was that it was the behavior, not the drinking, that was the problem. He quit because of a huge fight we had, and also to prove to me that he wasn't an alcoholic. For four long months I lived with an angry, resentful, spiteful 'brat.' The behavior was abominable. And he wasn't drinking a drop. I had succeeded in temporarily controlling him, and he hated me for it.

With the help of a great therapist, I learned that he is a big boy, and can make his own choices. And, even more importantly, I can make my own choices. I'll never forget the therapy session we were in together where he was going on and on about how he wasn't going to stop drinking for me or anyone else, he didn't have a problem, and even if he did he wasn't hurting anyone but himself, quack, quack, quack. When he finished quacking, I looked at him and said "you can do whatever you want." His jaw practically hit the floor. What a relief it was to give his choices back to him.

Do whatever is best for you, regardless of his quacking and manipulation. You get to choose what is acceptable to you, whether he is currently drinking or not.

L

theotherone

I certainly am not qualified to give advice, but can tell you that I have been in your shoes. I too was not happy about going home to more tension and anxiety. I do know that when I set boundaries I learned from the other people here, it did make life at home more livable. I do know when I started changing my old patterns like the ones you mentioned, things started changing. I felt he knew that even though he felt there wasn't a problem, I did and was not going to accept the lifestyle anymore. I still have a ways to go and continue to discover new and ever changing ways to improve me and my surroundings. I also learned and accepted that I wasn't going to change what had been "acceptable" for 25 years overnight. One day at a time.

C

P.S. If I got slapped everytime I get sucked back in, I'd be a sorry mess...so no slaps from me only prayers and hugs to you!

Pajarito

Believe me- it's HARD- and not for everyone. . . I took a long time to get where I am now- divorcing my AH. I have a 10-yr-old daughter I worry about. I know she is happy with me as a stable, consistently loving and engaged force in her life. When STBXAH lived with us, the chaos was a daily event. If it wasn't chaos, it was sleeping all the time, not initiating, impatience, sullen, etc. Mine- although he went to treatment- was behaving like a dry drunk. Even if he wasn't drinking- who needs it? I was miserable, which I am sure had a negative effect on our dd. Today I don't go through the day overjoyed- I'm scared and sad sometimes, but I KNOW this is better than living with someone who was not looking to be an equal, engaged, loving partner. I knew I deserved more than what I was getting. It's not easy, but baby steps got me here, and I will continue to take them on this path- hard as it is. (((Good luck)))

hadenoughnow

Don't be so sure he was sober, my ex "played sober" many times the last year of our marriage to prove that he "didn't have a problem". Turns out he was drinking the entire time, just not as much. Not getting enough to keep withdrawls away caused his behaviour to be erratic and bizarre.

Just my experience.

Pajarito

EXACTLY!

Snickers008

A question: Is there somewhere else he could stay on the weekends while he is exercising his "right" to drink? Not that he would agree to such a plan.

I was in the same spot as you- kids ages 10, 6 and 4. The 10 year old got cancer right in the middle of our alcohol crisis so that delayed things for a year while he recovered.

We ended up getting divorced. I had slowly been transferring assets and going to school (the 10 year plan) and preparing for the end.

Have you thought about perhaps making a 2 year or 5 year plan for your life without your husband? I did this and it really helped and it made me feel I was actually DOING SOMETHING instead of just putting up with it.

I was able to pass a professional certifying exam on the first try and get a good job and support our family for about 10 years until I remarried. BUt I had a couple of alternate plans in line in case I didn't pass the exam- for example, I had a real estate person run an analysis on our home and knew how much that was worth in case I had to sell.

Dumb story: I had separation papers and a quit claim deed for the house prepared and was waiting for the next big incident. Pretty soon, my husband crashed into a tractor trailer going the wrong way while drunk and high and left the scene etc etc. While he was in the hospital I brought him the papers and he signed. I said I was sure he didn't want to have to deal with this paperwork while in jail. For some reason this made sense to him! I'm not saying this is the ideal way to go about things but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. I wasn't fighting HIM but the disease...at any point I was ready to stop if he recovered.

Now my son (the oldest child) is dealing with alcohol issues so that is why I read these forums- need to get back in the detachment swing of things.

By the way- my exhusband still hasn't recovered but he has stopped all drugs so that's a step in the right direction at almost 50 years old! We get along fine now in what little contact we have.

Silverberry1331

[QUOTE=blessed4x;1896737] Having the ball in my court makes my VERY uncomfortable, but you are 100% correct that I need to step out of my comfort zone. QUOTE]

Hi blessed...

I know what you mean about the discomfort of the ball in our court...perhaps because when it comes in our direction the A pelts it so hard! Take time and try to think. I, also, busy myself, which is different from taking time. Busy gets our mind off of the situation, and taking time allows us the distance to think things through. Once you do this, you will be able to know what action you need to take next.

hugs to you!
Silver:ghug3

Learning how

x4, I too used to endure late night talks about all my problems. At the time this was going on I did not realize my husband was an alcoholic. I just knew that he was mean. I just wanted the late night talks to stop. I would change my behavior and do what ever I could to make him happy. I lost myself. I walked on egg shells, never knowing what was expected of me. . I would jump to clear the bar so to speak. The problem was that the bar kept moving and I was allways just short of clearing it. I stoped jumping as some point. My medical doctor saved my life. She pointed out that abuse is abuse. Being kept up all night and ranted at is abuse even if I wasn't getting hit.
I slowly started taking care of myself. Started Alanon. Stoped listening to the rants. I did leave the home for several days with the boys. AH begged us to come back. I did wasn't strong enough at that point, still believed the words. The night time rants did stop because I had made that one thing very clear, I was not going to live with the rants. I was on what someone above called the 10year plan. I increased work hours, I got a credit card and savings account in my name ..... The second time I left I had been driving around with 3 days of clothing and misc items in my car for me and the boys. But it was still my older son who pointed out that his Dad was crossing the boundries I had set up slowly one by one. We left. I was diffiuclt, that is what it took for him to stop drinking. By this point about 6 years into alanon.
The ism cont even after the drinking stops. We are still together but its not an easy road. My advice would be to use the serenity prayer as a guide, and keep the focus on yourself, and finally ask yourself " do I want to live this way?" This getting to be a ramble but I am struck by the fact that I lived my life before Alanon using the slogan "its not that bad yet" not a way to live.

denny57

I stopped calling it sober and substituted "not drinking today." That helped.

seethelight2009

I know exactly how you feel I am at the same point. I know I need to just move on, I am guessing you should. I hope the best for you, stay strong.

YellowRed

You are sooo right - this could have been written about me and my AH. A choice I had to make was whether I could continue subjectimg myself to the control games and manipulation. I also blamed everything on the drinking, but found that when my AH was dry after rehab for a while, he just resented me for having sent him there and making his life a misery because he couldn't drink any more (or - the reality - had to hide it better). He made every possible excuse to spend time away from me and was moddy, irritable and resentful when we were together.

I've made my choice now - and I'm not listening to his b/s (and all the promises of doing something about it) any more. I finally realised that all the energy I've been spending on him could be spent on me and people who really care about me instead. I went to family meetings run on the Al-Anon principles and they were a fantastic help - I'd defintiely recommend them. Learning that you need to stop blaming everything on the alcohol and take back some responsibility for your life and decisions was a real eye-opener for me, and really gave me a fresh perspective on my life --- MY life!