Hamster

I've been in a relation with an A for almost 6 years.
He used to be drinking 20+ pints a day and kept postponing meals. Then we discovered we liked most of the same stuff and started eating together. He ate like a mouse but at least he ate. Then he decided to drink less and we got hitched. He's on 12+ pints a day now.

He's a sweet soul with not an abusing bone in his body. But I'm getting tired of this situation anyway. Finally I seem to see I'm way in over my head and am watching him kill himself.
Each morning he goes to the toilet and pukes or has dry heaves. His teeth are crumbling and he's leaking blood from every orifice in his underpantsregion. His personality is changing, his memory fails more often. (he doesn't believe me in this one though)
And he doesn't want help...
In fact. He's way in debt and doesn't have healthinsurance. Officially he doesn't even live here.

I've changed a lot last years. I used to be a notsosocial insecure person with a posmoking problem. I don't even smoke now and have hobbies and friends.
My ABF helped me a lot in encouraging me to get myself better.
But it stings I can't help him back.

Few days ago I told him about my feelings. He got depressed and is afraid I'll leave him and promises he has a plan.
Ofcourse with most of his plans I don't see any of it yet...
I don't want this situation but I don't feel like kicking him out either.
He's my friend and I want him to get well.
But I accept I have no clue how to help him.
I try not to enabl him, accept for almost shoving the multivitamins down his throat each day.

BohemiMamaof3

Welcome to SR, Hamster. I'm sorry your realtionship is causing you difficulty. I have found quite a bit of help here in reading, posting and finally getting myself to real-life Alanon meetings. The A in my life is my brother. My mom also had a drinking problem, though she doesn't anymore. I hope you will find some help in reading the "stickies" and such, they helped me.

Lilyflower

Hello Hamster, welcome to SR. Read through the stickies at the top of our forums for valuable information.

I would have to ask myself why I married a person who drank so much. Why I expected so little from a relationship.

I'm glad you are beginning to come out of the fog. I know I have accepted the unacceptable many times just for the promise of not being alone, however this diease means we are pretty much alone anyways even with the A around.

I've seen this before with another of my ex's. It indicates a serious state of alcoholism, which is beginning to destroy the body from the inside out. If there is blood in the urine and feaces, I would imagine this is indictive of problems in the liver, kidney and stomach areas. Without proper nutrition (alcohol prevents the body from absorbing much needed nutients even if eating a healthy diet) the body will begin to digest itself, similar to how anorexia can eat away muscle and tissue and weaken bones. I doubt the multivits are doing anything for him if he is still drinking. Personality and memory changes are inevitable with alcohol abuse as the brain is subjected to prolonged exposure to mood altering chemicals.

As a disclaimer, I am not a doctor, this is all just from my experience, I would strongly suggest that a doctor be consulted. Do he have access to free health care? I am sure a doctor could talk to you about the effects of alcohol abuse, even search the net for info.

You cannot help anyone overcome an addiction. When you quit, you decided that was what you wanted, you resisted temptation, you put in the hard work. he provided support through encouragement, but this alone would not have gotten you through, your will power did that.

It will be the same for him. He must decide that he wants to quit, he will need to do hard work to heal - AA meets, recovery literature, counselling etc. You cannot do the hard work for him. It will be his recovery ALONE.

It is difficult, but sometimes our leaving, and following through on that action help the A hit bottom, sometimes it doesn't and they continue down that path until the inevitable. You need to do what you feel is good and the best for you. What would make you happy? It is difficult, but necessary to understand that we cannot rescue them, we need to make ourselves our no.1 priority, and act in our best interests, we didn't cause it can't control it can't cure it. It is unfair of him to try to hold your emotions to ransom in this way.

Keep posting for support, there is a better way, and you have taken the first step to finding that for you today.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hamster

Which is a point indeed in my case..
Before this I had a terrible bad abusive relationship that destroyed a lot of my soul.
The ABH was a great relief at that time, being a good companion and making me feel better about myself. I desperately needed a real friend. He was and styill is a real friend.

I guess that is what has changed in me lately. I used to be alone.
But now I have friends and when I see their lives and compare it to mine it feels like something is not right.
Also, I worry about him not having any other friends than me.

Some years ago he seriously collapsed and went to the doctor. The doctor made him have a blooodtest and there were B deficits.
Since then the situation with the dizzyness that made him collapse like that went away mostly.
So it's doing something.
And he won't be able to decide to get better if his brain is all mush, right?

So for the enabling stuff, I try to quit any enabling...except perhaps this part.

We live in the Netherlands and the situation with health care is going downhill nationally. We all have to pay more to get less and more and more people are going without healthinsurance building up large depts because not having the insurance is being fined.
*insert theme of Twilight Zone here*

So I guess he'll have to have a mayor collapse so a hospital gets the immediate choice of help or let die.
Such a nice prospect....

What scares me about myself is that I get an increased feeling of detachment. When I see something going somewhat wrong or when he mentions bad signs like chestpains, more and more I feel like an outsider watching from a distant.
It feels wrong, but I'm afraid it's also a selfdefence mechanism going into action.

True, but then what are the small things that will help him without me enabling him?

I want to be a good friend so I'll have good friends.
And good friends do not let good friends down without doing at least the minimum.
If I'd just up and leave I'd feel like leaving unfinished business.
I need to figure out what this unfinished business exactly is.
It's however not what I did so far I know now...

He's insisting lately more that he has a plan for this.
We both know that actions speak louder than words, so I'm curious what and if something will happen.