A confession
 

I f***ed up. Again. I knew I shouldn't do it but I did it anyways. Sort of like AA, if you've had a fair amount of exposure to AA and you decide to try drinking again, it will ruin your drinking career because deep down you know you're f***ing up.

Despite all her protestations and that email she sent me in June about "quitting drinking" and going to AA" I knew nothing had changed. She showed up on my doorstep, drunk again about two weeks after a Wednesday night race, and I just went along. Funny, I guess she figured if it worked once, why not again.

So the last two months, been waiting for the inevitable to happen, and it did. About a month ago we had a nasty little row, and I stated for the umpteenth time-far too many times-what behaviors on her part would constitute deal breakers. Being stood up was the thing we discussed, something she's done on many occasions.

Sunday night rolls around, leaving her Dad's house, and I'm not feeling real happy because I know she's planning her night of 'fun'. She asks me what's wrong, I tell her a lie. Tells me she'll be over after her shift ends, around 2am. She shows up at 6am, looking lie a deer caught in the headlights because I am up and she wasn't expecting that. Why didn't you come over when you said you would? Her 'girlfriends' Mom had a heart attack and I had to babysit her daughter! They took her to ******Hospital. I know this is bs, I tell her to leave. Immediately.

For my own gratification or whatever, I called the hospital, the nice lady at reception was more than happy to go through the registry, no person in the hospital under that name, anywhere including the ER. I send her the text message, and start to let myself get sucked into the drama, oh, she was never a patient, she died! Quack, quack, quack.

At some point I remember the real boundary issue, she stood me up, then made an excuse, something she'd done many times in the past. I was letting myself get drawn into the extraneous bs, and forgetting the real issue, the boundary.

So I finally called her Tuesday evening, after numerous text messages from her indicated that she wanted to get into the "who did what to whom" nonsense and ignore the boundary thing. So without actually accusing her of anything, I talked about the boundary thing, she tried to make excuses "I didn't want to wake you up" and me patiently explaining that I never put an exception on this particular boundary, and the only excuse I would have accepted, but she never offered, is that she was physically unable to call me.

I feel good about not getting drawn too deeply into this particular made-up drama, the last thing I wrote her via an email was that I felt she was either unwilling or unable to change her behavior and that it was something I would not tolerate, now or ever. And I feel fairly confident that if she shows up drunk on my stoop in the future I can tell her to leave. We all have different bottoms, I believe I've finally found mine.

I've read many of your postings and your insight and honesty has helped me tremendously. I've separated from my AH and am just beginning this long journey. Hearing that this is a day by day (sometimes, minute by minute) battle that others are dealing with too helps me too. John, I appreciate you - thank you...

I'm sorry that happened to you John but it sounds like you have all your ducks in a row..Good for you!! Smiles, Bonnie

Boy, if I had a dollar for everytime I've said that over the past 4 years I'd be rich now!! I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I want to thank you for your honest post. It really helps to see that I'm not the only one.

Wishing you continued strength and a peaceful evening.

C

Amen, Me too. I know I had to play a few good rounds of "it's over, it's over... c'mon over" before I hit my bottom. It wasn't until I got a good group of Al Anon friends with whom I became accountable. I agreed to call one of THEM first instead of calling HIM right away. It worked, over time... and I got better. I had to be really detached from all of it before I could see my situation for the toxic and tragic thing it had become.

Yup we all have been there "over and over and over and even over!"

I use to say "this time I'm done" "this time it is really over" 3 years of saying that
and I finally hit my bottom! Stuck to my weekly counseling and Al-Anon meetings
and SR in between!

It will get better John-it sounds as if you know what is not acceptable in your life
so now go for it and stick to it! :hug:

LOL...thanks for putting a name to the game for me...you always make me smile Cats!

John, I too slip from time to time. Usually end up here and/or calling my sponser to spill my guts. Thank God I don't slip as far before I catch myself!
Its progress. :Dance7:
Take care

I'm not seeing where you f'd up. You made a very reasonable boundary and followed through with a consequence.

Sailor John, you are getting stronger, a time will come when you will be comfortable with haveing no contact with her, day by day, your doing great.

Mair xx

Little background, have been involved with her for a little over two years. She's been doing this-and I won't get into the specifics of her 'behaviors' the whole time I've know her. Things she does in addition to the drinking/drugging. I am pretty much firmly convinced that she binges on crack or powder cocaine.

And I've known in my gut about the behaviors/addict s**t for most of the two years, have tried to control this thing, what we codies do, try to control the other. Ignoring the most basic idea, in healthy relationships the concept of boundaries is never even discussed, these are things that are just taken for granted. The thing that really struck me in the end, would watch her struggle with her 8 year old daughter over the concept of boundaries, the girl would be told not to do something, she would suffer the inevitable consequence, the little girl would go into a protracted tantrum over the outcome. My ex would do the exact same thing with me.

My problem was I never stuck to my guns, the most troubling thing is that neither of us noticed-at least I never did, can't speak for her-how similar the whole scenario was. And this is something you should never have to do with an adult, these were things you should have learned as a child. As someone else mentioned, I'm inclined to agree, the relationship was more of an addiction than anything else. So, I should be handling it like I handle my alcoholism, don't take the first drink! :lmao

See, progress, not perfection! Don't be too hard on yourself, treat you with some kindness.
:grouphug:

I don't think any issues in life are bump free. It is our problem solving ability that determines our progress and intelligence. It is not easy to apply problem solving mind sets when such destructive means preceide our own recovery.
This woman may not be the last alcoholic you run into.
We can all find ourselves regressing but you recognized it and acted in a way that was against your patterns and your nature.
Hard work, good judgement and your life has not been devasted by this. Kudos!