rudeawakening

I believe I finally gotten a grip on things, however I still haven't gone back to work yet. It is going on 3 weeks since I left the exagf and I'm still going thru withdrawals. I don't understand what hold this woman has got on me, I'm holding my ground. Actually I don't think she really has a hold on me, as I'm just feeling lonely.

Last night I spoke with the exagf sister in-law, one of the ex's previous husbands that had died, only to find out that they had a very turbulent relationship complete with the dysfunction & violence.... Not by him but by the EX A GF !!!

This woman, her ex sister in-law completely understood why I had left and was absolutely shocked when I mentioned the exgf would describe her grand children as Coffee Latte' babies or say I'm going to beat your black arses if you don't behave or how she would try to make me feel guilty for enjoying myself without her.

There is still something that smells and that is why her last husband left after the ex had spent over a year nursing him back to health after he had a stroke. I mean if I had a stroke , I believe I would worship that person after they spent the next year nursing me back to health, right ?

Also I noticed the body language from friends of her ex's freinds when she would run across them and they would chat for a moment... they were defensive.

I guess what I am saying is in the beginning when I found myself not being able to sleep, feeling odd.... It was my instinct screaming at me that something was wrong. Run Forest Run !!! I had lost touch with my survival instinct or maybe I was hoping I was wrong.

My melt down (dbl whamy) came when I discovered that I was an ACOA which explained a lot of hows and some why's, but most importantly knowledge.

I'm no longer naive and I no longer walk around with blinders. I still have a ways to go, but this reality check was a rude awaking that shocked me to realistic expectations (still in the works).

Everyday comes new acceptance and I find it cleanses the soul everytime I post here. I find it easy to do this because I will never meet any of you and no one will ever know anything about me other than what I choose to reveal. I will fade into cyber space when it is time for me to leave and no one will ever be the wiser.

I only hope that someone can benefit with my writings, can relate and learn to understand themselves in the process of healing. I know as sure as I'm sitting here that you cannot begin to heal your soul unless you are willing to be totally and complete honest with yourself. This means The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Yes it hurts, but once this it exposed, you will be able to start your journey to recovery in being the best person you can be.

Be good to yourself....

LaTeeDa

Love this! Thanks RA.

L

Pajarito

I also love that part. I had a moment over the past weekend of being honest with myself about the darker things. It was so hard/painful. But in there was a glimmer of something that I now carry with me- that I am human. It probably sounds funny- well of course I'm human- we all are. But for me the realization brought up some childhood things- mostly having to do with trying to be perfect- be the "good" girl. My life is not at all what I pictured it to be- it's not "perfect." But- it is what it is, and it's ok. And it's good to be human- with the good, bad, and the ugly. What I believe through all of this is that this discovery will lead to more compassion- for myself as well as others- including my stbxah. THAT is what I think will ultimately make me a better person. Thanks for your insight ra.