FindMyselfAgain

Hey all,

Last nite at work, my aide and I was sitting at the nurse's station and talking about the plans for her wedding next year. I felt very happy for her as we discussed her colors, dress, and all the specifics. I also shared with her what I wanted my colors to be and so on. It brought a smile to my face. But at the same time, I felt extremely sad and empty. I want to marry one of these days. Self pity again!! When will I ever get over this "woe is me" mentality? It has been about a week since the breakup with xabf. Peaceful for the most part.

I was thinking about my friends that i basically stopped contact with during my so called relationship. Any suggestions how I can start establishing a relationship with them, again? I feel compelled to apologize to them.

I can't believe how much I lost my identity in this relationship.

Thank you for listening.

NYC_Chick

Hang in there! It gets easier.

I was fortunate in the sense that my ex worked most weekends, so I was with my friends a lot then. For those that I neglected, I apologized and was honest about all the chaos in my relationship, without giving specifics. I simply told them I was very co-dependent and that is why I did nothing but focus on my ex.

rivka

NYC- Just tell them what you say above...exactly. True friends will understand, give you a hug, and pick up where you left off.

I feel the emptiness too, since my xabf bailed a few months back. My best friend is a wedding florist, so believe me, I KNOW what it's like to be inundated with wedding stories that seem to magnify my "alone-ness".

I'm trying to get over my codie behavior in baby steps. The sense of abandonment, the obsessive concern, blow to our confidence and self-esteem can't be fixed overnight, as well as the validation for being needed, so I make sure to "help" someone (who I don't have romantic feelings for) whenever I can during the weekends or at work. It makes me feel needed and somewhat a repair for my self esteem, where I can start to feel more confident and concern for my own life.

Leaning on your friends is good too. Be honest. Tell them that you need them right now. You are hurting and want only those who love and care about you to support you right now.

hugs,
rivka

FindMyselfAgain

Well,

I'm pretty nervous telling my friends about the whole ordeal. It was painful and I am very embarrassed even though I think that is what kept me from socializing with them in the first place. Embarrassment and shame you know? Not knowing when he will call my phone and act a fool or show up where i am and act a fool. It has happened before. We went out with one of my friends to the movies one time. He was dead a** drunk so we call it. He passed out right there in the theater. Can you believe that?? I couldn't at the time. After many minutes shaking him and nudging he woke up and staggered to the car. Luckily we just met my friend at the movies so she didn't have to witness drama that proceeded when me and the x got to car. I think i cussed him the car ride home. Embarrassing. I remember he isolated himself while we were at the movies. He got up from the seat next to me and went down a couple rows. Ain't no telling what my friend was thinking. I know i didn't know what he was thinking as well. I think from that day forward i also isolated myself from my friends and family. Full of shame I think.

Thanks for listening. I had to vent.

LaTeeDa

I notice the tendency for partners of alcoholics to feel "shame and embarrassment" because of the alcoholic's actions. I, too, felt that way at times.

I wonder if it is because they don't show any regret and we feel like we have to do it for them? Or is it because we are ashamed and embarrassed that we chose such a partner?

In any case, isolating myself from friends and family due to shame and embarrassment was not good for me. And I have since learned that I didn't have anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about anyway.

L

Lizziesd

I understand how you feel. I was feeling the same way at wk 1. It really got better at week 3. It's now wk 4 and I am in a better place. Be patient with yourself. I want to get married too and I couldn't deal with wedding stuff right now. It takes time to heal. Know that and realize that you will encounter set backs. Always remember that things were broken in your relationship. We tend to remember the good things and forget the bad stuff. Someone said on this bulletin, if you are going to play the tape, play it all the way. Remember the good and remember the bad stuff too, You deserved better. We all do. This is our chance to find that better opportunity and like anything that is worth while....it will take time. Have faith that you will in time find a man that will love you truly. Remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease! It wont get better, it will get worse. Why tie your life to that disease and allow it to drag you down??? :praying

FindMyselfAgain

Hey everyone,

Boy did I have drama DRAMA drama today. I shouldn't have took my butt to his apartment today alone. Last nite he called me at work over and over again. I should have known. quacking about how he ain't had nothing to drink all day and he didn't have no drink on him and how he had stopped. REALLY (sarcasm)....

So this morning I decided I was ready to get the rest of my stuff out of the apartment. I called his phone over and over. I assumed he was at work cause he wasn't picking up the phone. Ok so I went over to the apartment. I saw his car was there but that wasn't a big deal. He has a DUI, not allowed to drive anyway. AGAIN, I assumed that he hitched a ride to work.

I opened the door. There he is on the bed..sleep with a pint of vodka next to him. Uhh, I know I shouldn't have but I went the hell off like I usually do. He woke up looking bewildered. I walk out the door. He follows me saying how he wanted HIS cd player that he bought me out of my car. And again that set me off. I was like, after all the rent, and car payments, and bail bonds, and fine payments, gas money, liquor money, cigarette money etc etc. he is gonna trip about a cd player. So fine I told him to rip the mutha out then. I get in my car, crank it up. He opens the passenger door start to take the cd player out and get his hands on my keys and my phone.

Ok here we go.Held my keys and phone hostage. Hid them from me and told me the only way I could get them was if I give him some. Is he serious? It dont' matter and I left and called my mom to come pick me up. At this time he leaves the house with my keys and phone and I am feeling very very very stupid at this moment. Very....very...anyway mom comes get me. We calling his phone, my phone and no answer. Later on, He calls me apologizing told me I can come get my keys and phone. By this time, I had already called the power company to shut off service in the apartment and left him a voicemail about it.

Anyway to make a long story short. My dad went with me tonite to go get my keys and phone and the rest of my stuff.

The moral of this story to me is, I shouldn't have went to apartment without some sort of escort. I mean, he could have killed me.

lizw

I think my AB's were like a form of drug for me and I did everything I could to keep them. I.e. stopped speaking to friends who even hinted that they were loosers.

Just like a drug addict does anything to keep using drugs, I did any and everything I could to keep the relationship. Whatever it took. Paid for everything. Soothed him. Look after him. Counselled him. Because I had to be with 'him'. Each 'him' was different but my attitude was the same. Keep the relationship at all costs.

Why?

Because I couldn't stand being on my own. It was boring, lonely and scary. Right now is the longest period I've had in my life where I've been single and that's 10 months. Prior to this 3 - 4 months was my limit. Then I had to find another one!

I have days where I feel lonely and lost but I'm starting to see that this is just to do with my own thinking and how I see myself not because it is the truth.

Sorry to hear about the dramas collecting your stuff, I really understand the term 'staying to the bitter end' too. It's always ugly.

:ghug3

FindMyselfAgain

You know,

Right now, I really feel like I don't want to deal with another relationship for a long long time. This last one took alot out of me. I need to heal. I am broken right now.

Lizziesd

Am broken hearted too!! Time does heal all wounds...Hang in there!!!