Marriage, expectations, and evolution...
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Marriage, expectations, and evolution...
I've been thinking about expectations today.
I married my AH right after I turned 20 - he was 28.
I grew up in a very conservative religious environment that placed a great deal of emphasis on marriage and family. As far back as I can remember, my life's greatest goal was to find the "partner" that God had in mind for me.
Don't get me wrong - I had other goals, too, but they seemed pale in comparison to the importance of finding love and family.
My spiritual beliefs have evolved over time, but putting to rest the fantasy of marital bliss and the fulfillment that I always believed would go along with that bliss has been a struggle.
Here's the thing: I had very specific expectations about what "married life" looked like - how family time was to be spent, where vacations should be taken, the activities that should be engaged in together. Trying to have that life with a husband who is struggling not to fall into a vodka bottle is a losing proposition.
The kind of crazy thing is, after all this drama and weirdness, after all my ranting and raving about how AH can't give me what I want, I've had a realization:
I don't actually want to live the kind of life that I've been trying so hard to force on my AH and myself.
It's almost like I'd been programmed to run on auto-pilot for years, and I just woke up and realized that the program wasn't in my best interest.
I'm moving out of our family home this week - my extended family and friends think it's a tragedy.
But....
Can I just tell you how excited I am about having my own place?
Sleeping in MY bed.
Making coffee in MY little kitchen.
Putting up the curtains that I like.
I love my alcoholic, but I've let my life revolve around his for too long.
Now, I want my own life. In a big way.
I don't know what the future will bring, but I can't imagine returning to the marriage that I had - even if the man that I love finds recovery.
I want something else - it might not be marriage at all!
This is an exciting time.
It's nice to feel like I have options - my life doesn't have to look one specific way for me to be happy.
I'm happy today.
-TC
I married my AH right after I turned 20 - he was 28.
I grew up in a very conservative religious environment that placed a great deal of emphasis on marriage and family. As far back as I can remember, my life's greatest goal was to find the "partner" that God had in mind for me.
Don't get me wrong - I had other goals, too, but they seemed pale in comparison to the importance of finding love and family.
My spiritual beliefs have evolved over time, but putting to rest the fantasy of marital bliss and the fulfillment that I always believed would go along with that bliss has been a struggle.
Here's the thing: I had very specific expectations about what "married life" looked like - how family time was to be spent, where vacations should be taken, the activities that should be engaged in together. Trying to have that life with a husband who is struggling not to fall into a vodka bottle is a losing proposition.
The kind of crazy thing is, after all this drama and weirdness, after all my ranting and raving about how AH can't give me what I want, I've had a realization:
I don't actually want to live the kind of life that I've been trying so hard to force on my AH and myself.
It's almost like I'd been programmed to run on auto-pilot for years, and I just woke up and realized that the program wasn't in my best interest.
I'm moving out of our family home this week - my extended family and friends think it's a tragedy.
But....
Can I just tell you how excited I am about having my own place?
Sleeping in MY bed.
Making coffee in MY little kitchen.
Putting up the curtains that I like.
I love my alcoholic, but I've let my life revolve around his for too long.
Now, I want my own life. In a big way.
I don't know what the future will bring, but I can't imagine returning to the marriage that I had - even if the man that I love finds recovery.
I want something else - it might not be marriage at all!
This is an exciting time.
It's nice to feel like I have options - my life doesn't have to look one specific way for me to be happy.
I'm happy today.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey, toughchoices. I'm excited for you. You'll finally have the time and space and freedom -- as an ADULT -- to find out what YOU want for your life.
How great is that?
Congratulations on your strength. I loved my own house, my own bed, my own kitchen when I finally had it for the first time. I think I was IN LOVE with it, in fact, for a while
Sitting on the porch stoop with my steaming cup of coffee, planning a day that would make me go to bed that night feeling satisfied and whole.....
Good luck
How great is that?
Congratulations on your strength. I loved my own house, my own bed, my own kitchen when I finally had it for the first time. I think I was IN LOVE with it, in fact, for a while
Sitting on the porch stoop with my steaming cup of coffee, planning a day that would make me go to bed that night feeling satisfied and whole.....Good luck
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I had a conversation this morning with another recovery friend. We were talking about people who stay in abusive or unhealthy marriages because of the vows - that "until death do us part" thing.
She and I agreed that OUR HP's would never intend for us to live in that kind of marriage or live miserably in that kind of toxic life forever. We discussed that "death" doesn't necessarily mean that someone has to die. It can be the death of the marriage as it was originally intended.
As I say to my friends who are getting divorced: congratulations and I'm sorry. I know the exhiliaration of getting my own place was pretty awesome. I was surprised that I also felt incredible sadness. I had to grieve the loss of the marriage, the loss of that dream.
Be extra gentle with yourself.... but celebrate your new life. You deserve to be happy, to be treated with dignity and respect, to have your loved ones respect your boundaries. It sounds like you're well on your way!
Cats
She and I agreed that OUR HP's would never intend for us to live in that kind of marriage or live miserably in that kind of toxic life forever. We discussed that "death" doesn't necessarily mean that someone has to die. It can be the death of the marriage as it was originally intended.
As I say to my friends who are getting divorced: congratulations and I'm sorry. I know the exhiliaration of getting my own place was pretty awesome. I was surprised that I also felt incredible sadness. I had to grieve the loss of the marriage, the loss of that dream.
Be extra gentle with yourself.... but celebrate your new life. You deserve to be happy, to be treated with dignity and respect, to have your loved ones respect your boundaries. It sounds like you're well on your way!
Cats
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
Be extra gentle with yourself.... but celebrate your new life. You deserve to be happy, to be treated with dignity and respect, to have your loved ones respect your boundaries. It sounds like you're well on your way!
I tried all kinds of boundaries while living with my A, but he found very creative ways around them! I finally got fed up with having to be so incredibly specific about what was and was not acceptable behavior for our son to witness (i.e. having your three year-old son find you passed out on the driveway, is NOT okay, even if you didn't drink in the house!)
MUCH easier to have and keep healthy boundaries when you have your own space.
I'm not certain if I will be getting a divorce. It's definitely a possibility, but I'm just going to see what happens. I don't have my eye on anyone else, and I'm not in a hurry to get things over with. There was a time when I thought that I would be just fine if I could get AH out of the picture all together, but recovery has taught me something about the errors inherent in that type of thinking. He is not the source of all my problems (although a few do originate in his general area
) so I'm focusing on taking care of myself when those pop up.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
He is not the source of all my problems (although a few do originate in his general area) so I'm focusing on taking care of myself when those pop up.
Sounds like good recovery to me !
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
You go girl!
Sounds like you've thought about it a lot and that it is a choice your making rather than reacting to a situation. I.e. I'm mad at you so I'm leaving or get the hell out! I was quite good at that one. Then it always shocked me when all my own stuff came vomitting out, for want of a better expression.
Congrats for you.
:ghug3
Sounds like you've thought about it a lot and that it is a choice your making rather than reacting to a situation. I.e. I'm mad at you so I'm leaving or get the hell out! I was quite good at that one. Then it always shocked me when all my own stuff came vomitting out, for want of a better expression.
Congrats for you.
:ghug3
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