Trying to Stay Stong

Old 09-02-2008, 08:11 AM
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Trying to Stay Stong

Well tomorrow will be one week since I broke up with ABF. So far, yesterday was the worst day. He got home from the cabin and started calling me over and over and over again. I finally broke down and answered. But, I think I handled things well. It was quite a long conversation with alot of quacking as you can imagine, but I didnt' give in.

A few big things though. First, he kept asking me if he got into treatment if I would take him back. I kept telling him NO. That if he got into treatment 'only' to get me back, it would never work. He finally said 'I'm going to treatment regardless if you take me back or not', I said 'Good, I hope it works out for you, Good luck.". Then, he tells me he needs me to help him. Last week, I cancelled his truck insurance and his cell phone that were in my name. He says, how do I get insurance now? How do I get a cell phone now? How do I go about getting treatment? Really?? I said, you are 41 years old, if you can't call an insurance company, walk in a cell phone store to get a new phone, and walk into an AA meeting all by yourself, then you have more problems than I thought. (Ok, I know that was a mean thing to say, but c'mon!).

Here's the kicker. He then says, 'If you loved me, you would help me. If you still love me, I expect you to want to help me'. I told him that HE does not get to EXPECT anything from me! After all he has put me through, he's lucky I even answered the phone. I told him that this time, he does not get to manipulate me, he does not get to make me feel guilty - because I DON'T. HE has put himself in this position, not ME. I said, if you want to play those games - how about this? If YOU loved ME, you would not have cheated on me, or lied to me, or called me horrible vile names, or yelled at me, or ignored me, or disappeared on me time and time again. He said, 'I'm sorry I called you those names, I didn't mean any of it, it was a vodka day.' Again, really??? I said, I don't care if it was a vodka day, a beer day, a normal day - the point is you said/did those things to me - period.

By this time, I was getting out of control angry. So, I took a deep breath, pulled myself together. Realized that my words mean nothing to an alcoholic - he was just doing everything in his power to manipulate me and 'get his nice comfy enabler' back (as GiveLove told me). So, I told him that I was not going to do this anymore. I told him that I would say another prayer that he got help for himself, but that everything was up to him now - I am out of the picture. I said, I wish you all the luck in the world, but it is out of my hands and I am hanging up now so I can have some peace. Goodbye.

I haven't heard from him since. I know I shouldn't have even answered the phone, and I know I should have 'detached' and not gotten sucked into the conversation and said the things that I did. But, I feel better. I feel better that I told him all those things and I feel better that I stood my ground and did not 'cave' like I usually do. Even though I haven't blocked his number (yet), I'm hoping this is another step in the right direction.

Thank you for letting me share...

Wishing a peaceful day to all!

C
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:13 AM
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sounds like you did pretty good
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:40 AM
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If you did something that made you feel better, I'm all for it. I try not to get caught up in "shoulds." I'm not surprised you haven't heard from him since. Stay strong :-)
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:42 AM
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go sista! you done good!
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:46 AM
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I think you did marvellously! You should feel proud of yourself, you have made some boundaries concerning him and you are holding them! Also you are protecting your serenity and peace of mind.

True words can be wasted on an A, but it is thereputic to get some things off our chest, even if the receiver isn't listening intently, just 'saying' it makes me feel good!

In general I don't trust sentences that begin with ''If you loved me, you would.....''. I don't like anyone telling how I should and should not show my love and affection. That sentence usually reaks of manipulation. True love, I believe, means that I allow a person to grow spiritually and emotionally within themselves, with care and acceptance from me. That I fully accept a person for who and what they are, without any stipulations of how their love for me should ''look''.

Congrats to you, Keep moving forward in serenity and peace,

Blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:12 AM
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Goodness! You don't even sound like the same person that posted a couple of weeks ago! I can feel your strength and the convictions coming through loud and clear.

You are so right- a 41 year old man should be able to figure out how to get a cell phone!

Ridiculous story: After I was already divorced from my AH, his bills still came to my house and he would come over once a week with cash in hand and we would go over his bills together and I would write out checks from my account and he would pay me the cash because he "couldn't" get a checking account.

After 3 years of this, I finally started dating again and this one gentleman saw the bills on the counter and said "Oh- I thought you said you were divorced??". I said "Oh I am!!" and explained our "arrangement". This gentleman kindly took me my the hand and gently explained what "divorce" means and suggested I allow my ex-husband to do his own bill paying. The proverbial lightbulb finally lit up and I took his advice!

As you can see, I was a remedial student in the skills of detachment.
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:19 AM
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My ex AH spews the same ridiculous crap about insurance, cell phone etc. As it is I am going to have to do something about our "joint" checking account that he refuses to close or meet me at the bank so I can get my name off.
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:37 AM
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I think you did great, it must have felt god to get all that out and stand your ground....the manipulation on his part was blatent, glad you could see it for what it was x
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:42 AM
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I'm with Lilyflower on this one.
Even if he couldn't fully grasp the strength of your words - they were therapeutic for you.
It's alarming and exciting and sad when you start to hear the manipulation for what it is - you sound strong and calm.

Take care!
-TC
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:48 AM
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Way to go, tormented. I know - it doesn't FEEL like progress when you get mad and such, but everything you said was right on the mark and was something you've felt for a long time but never quite had the courage to express. He's a grown man who's never been forced to take care of himself. That's a little bit gross.

Now you know he was just calling in order to get you to take his little hand and make everything all better for him again. Love=you make it so I don't have to do anything for myself.

"A vodka day" ? And that makes it okay? Great, just great. (GL bangs her head against the door jamb)

Applauding you!! You're my hero today girl

P.S. I'm sorry, but his "if you loved me" line reminded me of that old line from horny high school boys, "If you loved me you would....." Sheesh.
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Old 09-02-2008, 10:23 AM
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Wow.. I agree with eveyone else. I think you did a great job. It's not so much about not getting worked up or mad, but about sticking to your boundaries.

If YOU loved ME, you would not have cheated on me, or lied to me, or called me horrible vile names, or yelled at me, or ignored me, or disappeared on me time and time again.
This is my favorite part.. how dare he tell you what you should do if you loved him. And that it was a Vodak day.. that makes it alright. I often wonder if they really think just because they don't remember saying it that it doesn't hurt us or stick with us.

Way to Go!!
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Old 09-02-2008, 12:44 PM
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Again, thank you to all for your encouraging remarks. I click the 'thanks' button, but it just doesn't seem like enough sometimes.

You are all right - it did feel better just to get it off my chest. Even if he didn't 'hear' all that I said, I said it and I've been wanting to say alot of it for a long time. And I am beginning to hear all the blatant manipulations for what they really are... :chatter To me he sounds like a child crying for his mommy to help him. Well, he is not a child, and I'm certainly not his Mommy! And, the whole 'it was a vodka day' excuse just kills me. I too, just felt like banging my head against a wall. I mean really, how do they think of these things? And, do they honestly not know how ridiculous they sound when they give these kinds of 'crazy' excuses. How do you know you are an alcoholic? When you tell your XGF that you were having a 'vodka day' to try to excuse the inexcusable!! (I don't mean to make fun - I know A's have their own set of issues, but c'mon!)

One last thing I thought of today. My 7yr didn't want me to walk him up to the school doors this morning for his 1st day of school (and, I had to give him a kiss and hug before we even left for school!). He is a 'big boy' now and wanted to get in line with the rest of the second graders all by himself. Mr. Independent!! Although it broke my heart realizing that my little boy is just growing up way too fast, I was also proud of the strong independence my son is showing.

Too bad my 41 yr old XABF isn't as mature, independent, or able to take care of himself as well as my 7 yr old. Sad.
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Old 09-03-2008, 08:08 AM
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I agree with the other posters'. GREAT JOB!! I, too, am finally getting a chance to say what makes me feel better. it is so gratifying for me! I am at the2 month mark right now
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