kelly381

Xabf called me on Friday night. Even though I SWORE up and down if he called again I wouldn't answer, I was having a bad 'al day' (missing him unbelievably) that I HAD to call him back. We talked for awhile and he had to go...said he would call back. I didn't think he would but he did call a couple minutes later. He asked when can he see me. I told him I'm not hiding, he knows where I am at any given time he can 'see' me whenever he wants. Our sons play football together and had games this weekend. He was working but was coming to the Sunday game afterwards. He said we should go out after the game. I said I didn't know....anyway, we DID end up going for pizza after the game. No biggie...it was nice talking and catching up. Every time he would start 'bullsh*tting" I would say I didn't want to hear it and he would stop. He worked 4 a.m. to 4 p.m. and was beat and said he was going home to sleep and he would call me later. I said he wouldn't call...he was going to crash and burn once he hit the pillow...anyway, I wasn't expecting a call last night (and didn't get one) I thought MAYBE I would get one this a.m. with the excuses blah, blah, blah...but it never came. I knew he was hanging at the pool today with his kids (mine too actually) and when I dropped off my son his car was there...hhhmmm...now I'm all kinds of pissed off...more at myself then anything. I try not to get sucked in. I KNOW how he is and what hes going to do. I also know he is still very much with his gf and even though I hear about regrets and stuff he is still proceeding full speed ahead...in the WRONG direction. He said that EVERYBODY (his therepist/sponsor and family) told him he shoulda stayed put (with me) but of course he doesn't listen. I am actually friends with his xw and she has told me that his family doesn't like his new gf...his mom gets a 'weird vibe from her that gets stronger everytime she sees her' and was actually hiding out in the kitchen during his b-day party so she wouldn't have to talk to her. Add to it the fact that it's Labor Day and I'm sitting here alone doing wash and cleaning while he's at the pool with the kids having a high old time (with or w/o the gf, idk?) and I can't help but think of last year on Labor Day...he disappeared on a 3 day bender only to reurface on Tuesday morning...what a difference a year makes. I'm glad hes sober and things seem to be going well for him right now...I'm just sorry (after all I've been through in the last year) that I'm not around to enjoy it.

gns

Hi Kelly,

Sorry you are going through all of this.

What are you hoping for in your interactions with him?

prodigal

Well, let me begin by asking why you are alone on Labor Day. Do you have any family or friends you could hook up with? I read your post twice. I have a good, and pretty detailed and accurate, picture of everything your ex is doing. All I know about you is that you are alone. And it sounds like being so involved in his life and getting sucked back in is causing you a lot of pain.

I've gone through this myself. And it is extremely painful. But I realized I had choices. And one choice I made was to get back on my side of the street and leave the addict to maintain (or not maintain) his side.

Have you given Al-Anon a try? What do you think you could do for yourself today that you would enjoy? Any favorite movies your could watch or something you could whip up in the kitchen? How about calling a friend? I'm sorry I cannot offer anything more than what may seem to be lame suggestions.

I really feel for you. I've been there myself. And, yeah, it stinks ....

kelly381

Thanks guys!

Why am I alone??? I don't really know. I blame the fact that I alienated everyone in my life for the last year because of xabf and the way he was...but he's been out of the picture for 3 months now.
I actually CHOOSE to be alone. I was actually invited to 2 picnics this weekend. I blew one off cause I went out with him and the one today is actually at my x-in-laws (we are still friendly) I chose NOT to go because it is also my x's new wifes b-day and I didn't want to be there for that...but they are not even there. My x just called and said they left and my neice will be bringing the kids home. So, maybe I will make an appearence there.

update: He was at the pool with the g/f. Got a text from a friend that she looks like a man! I told them that didn't make me feel any better...the fact that he is choosing to be with her instead of me even though everyone says I am prettier...I then texted him and pretty much BEGGED him to leave me alone. I really can't take it.

gns: I don't know what I expect. I know what I want...but I also know that's not going to happen. I want him to dump the gf and come back to me...but I want him how I want him and not how he IS...being that I can't have that, I guess I'm out of luck. That realization really sucks. Life with him will always be a rollercoaster. He's not only an alcoholic but also also I drug addict and bi-polar!! All three of which are major deals. Even when things are good I will ALWAYS be looking for the other shoe to drop.
I just have to let it go...listen tp the dr and NOT answer the phone...it really is so simple...but yet so hard.

prodigal

Although on the surface what you are saying here appears to be a contradiction in terms, in some ways it is not. What I'm hearing is you don't want him back as a bipolar person with multiple addictions; you want him back if he works a solid program, gets his act together, gets counseling and possibly meds to get his bipolar disorder under control.

However, even if he was a great guy with no addictions whatsoever, it still wouldn't guarantee you would be happy with him. As hard as it was for me to accept - and believe me, it was HARD!! - I had to realize deep down in my insides that my hapiness could never be contingent on another person. If my AH got sober tomorrow, I might find out a few years down the road that we weren't a very good match in the first place. Regardless of his sobriety.

As hard as it is to let go, perhaps now would be the best time to stop getting updates on his whereabouts, what he's doing, with whom he's doing it, etc. You deserve a life worth living for YOU. He is moving on with his life without you. You may have alienated people way-back-when. Consider making amends to those people.

AWEDA

Kelly,
I know it's painful,try to do things for yourself that make you happy.
You will get better it takes time.
Have you read codependent no more?
I've read it many times,it helps alot.
There are many alanon meetings in your area,please look into them.

kelly381

My xh actually yelled at the kids for running back to me with tidbits of info about him...but he is just as bad! Whenever he sees them he has to tell me. I told him he's worse then the kids and he needs to knock it off!

I'm actually reading Codependant No More right now. It is very enlightening. I also go to see a psych every other week and I'm pretty much on this board every free moment I have. I havn't tried Al-Anon yet. I don't know, I guess I'm scared. Plus, the fact that HE is STILL affecting my life...even AFTER the fact...I've NEVER had to deal with this before. (Had such a hard time letting go). I'm not one to 'date' I'm a relationship kinda girl. I'm 41 yrs old and have had many relationships (with good/"normal" guys) and I have NEVER been this f'd up.
I guess going to an actually meeting makes it seem like I really do have a problem. I only know of one in the area (as per the website) I have actually thought of going to an actual AA meeting...but again...

But, after the text yesturday, I erased all the previous texts he sent and voicemails...put his ringtone back to silent (lol) and actually made it through the night and this morning with only checking my phone once. I think seeing him on Sunday and NOT being totally blown away by him is a sign that I AM indeed healing (even if just alittle) I'm heading in the right direction at least.

Thank you all for your thoughts and wisdom. It does really help.

Mair

Hang on in there. Take it one day at a time.

Mair xxx