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Codependence At Its Best

Old 08-31-2008, 10:36 PM
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Codependence At Its Best

So after spending an evening scrambling to sell things on Ebay for bill money, begging my parents for money to pay my mortgage and feeling like a loser for saying "This is the last time" (yeah right, they might as well have said), thanking God for the holiday tomorrow--not because it's a holiday, but because utility companies are closed and they won't shut off my utilities--

I actually find myself feeling sorry for my AH who is out at a bar. I see this man who used to be handsome and sheepish and hysterically funny, who has turned into this bloated Elvis cliche lumbering around a bar trying to fit in. People laugh at him behind his back--and to his face--he sees this doesn't he? This man who used to literally carry me over puddles now calls me horrible names and steps over me and laughs when I cry. I no longer am in love with this man who I beg to go away forever and leave us in peace almost every morning after the drunken nights, who replies with a simple, "No." I am happier when he is out than when he is home, no longer care about where he goes or who he is with and only really care about his drinking because I experience the consequences of his choices. But I still feel sorry for him?

How can I feel sorry for a person who (I allow) treats me this way, knows his sons could be homeless if not for my parents and knows his wife, who would love to be relaxing and watching a movie, rather than hocking memories to strangers for money and eating peanut butter sandwiches every night so her sons can have meat and fish, while he goes to dinner and drinks with friends? Man oh man!

I guess the first step is recognizing this? Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 08-31-2008, 11:01 PM
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Originally Posted by OverItNow View Post
How can I feel sorry for a person who (I allow) treats me this way, knows his sons could be homeless if not for my parents and knows his wife, who would love to be relaxing and watching a movie, rather than hocking memories to strangers for money and eating peanut butter sandwiches every night so her sons can have meat and fish, while he goes to dinner and drinks with friends? Man oh man! I guess the first step is recognizing this? Thanks for letting me vent.
At a geuss, I'd say you feel sorry for him because it is easier to focus on this rather than the chaos you're living in.....

:ghug

The first step, as I understand it, is admitting and accepting nothing you do or don't do will get or keep him sober.
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Old 08-31-2008, 11:13 PM
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Thank you Liz for your reply. Yes, I do need a break from the chaos and probably thinking about him ebbs that a bit at times. I have accepted that I am powerless over his drinking--tried for a long time to control that and gave that up about six months ago. This was the first time, however, that I actually "caught" myself feeling sorry for him and rather than wallowed in that sorrow (which I used to do), I got it out here--I pretty proud of myself for stopping in the middle of the feeling sorry for him party and recognizing what I was doing.
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Old 08-31-2008, 11:23 PM
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(((((hugs))))), and vent away. It is painful to watch the man you had hopes and dreams of growing old with slowly commit suicide, and for me, it is even more painful knowing there isn't a stinkin' thing I can do to save him. It's always a good sign when you have awareness of what's going on.....the first step to making a change.
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Old 08-31-2008, 11:30 PM
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Originally Posted by OverItNow View Post
So after spending an evening scrambling to sell things on Ebay for bill money, begging my parents for money to pay my mortgage and feeling like a loser for saying "This is the last time" (yeah right, they might as well have said), thanking God for the holiday tomorrow--not because it's a holiday, but because utility companies are closed and they won't shut off my utilities--
This is the chaos I'm talking about.
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Old 08-31-2008, 11:42 PM
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Gosh, I know what you are going through.....it SUCKS......it REALLY hurts.

I pretty much quit posting on this board because of some differences of opinion, but still lurk here & decided to reply to your post because you mentioned selling items on Ebay. I am an Ebay Powerseller, and would be happy to help you sell things on Ebay....Ebay is tough these days....there are some helpful suggestions as to getting the best $$. If you help doing so, please private message me.

I am NOT an expert on this alcoholic thing, but I DO know Ebay stuff.

Hugs :ghug
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:15 AM
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((hugs ))

I know I had to grieve the loss of the dream, the plans I had for my marriage and family and future. I WAS sorry for him and his life, and I was sorry for me and mine. I don't see anything wrong with having compassion for your loved one who is struggling mightily with this disease.

What I learned in Al Anon was that I had choices. I had settled into the victim role and I had to acknowledge that I had choices. THEN I had to decide what to do with that new found knowledge ! There are some here who may immediately jump in and tell you to leave your marriage ~ because that's what worked for them. There are others who might share how they were able to find contentment and even happiness whether the A continues to drink or not, because they found a way to separate themselves a bit from the effects of the drinking and continue in the marriage.

The other thing I have learned is that feelings are JUST feelings, not facts. You don't have to act upon a feeling... you can just acknowledge it for what it is and SIT with it for awhile until you are ready to take an action.

We're glad you're here. I hope you'll continue to post and share with is.

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