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caught in the act

Old 08-30-2008, 07:54 PM
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caught in the act

Well today was beautiful here and my AH was invited to go to a college football game w/ my D and his bestfriend and his D. My AH got up was heading to the garage...of course I followed him there to find him behind his car chugging some wine (poured into an old oj bottle). He was to be the driver to the game today. Of course I flipped out on him and he knew he was dead meat! I told him to call his friend and have his friend drive instead and to tell his friend why. All he replied was "I just has a sup" I told him I did not care if it was a sup or not, he was not going to drive...period. His friend is aware of my H's problem (of 20+ years) so I knew he would understand. I asked what he was going to do with the bottle, he told me he needed it for a little bit. As long as he was not driving, I really did not care and I took it to the fridge to "chill" where I told him it was. I had to go out for awhile (errands) and when I came home, the empty bottle was on the counter. He told me he had alittle more and threw the rest out. He did not appear to be drunk. He had done so well over the summer and slipped up a few weeks ago. I knew he had and he insisted (as they all do) it was just a blip in the radar and he will be fine once again(yeah right). I have to admit I felt good over challanging him on this one and not letting him drive regardless. He has always been a "closet functional alcohoholic" for many years. I know in my heart it probably will eventually kill him. I just don't want him to kill anyone else on the roads. Was I right in what I did? I am trying also to detatch but it is hard when you live with someone. I have a son in college, D 14years old who does not know of her father's problem...he has always been good in disguising it...every trick in the book, holds a good job but is slowly destroying himself physically (and mentally). I choose to live for my children and not for him or make excuses any more. Comments welcome Peace to all
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Old 08-30-2008, 08:20 PM
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hang in there !!! more will be revealed....
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Old 08-30-2008, 08:23 PM
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Good for you for protecting your child, and everyone else on the roads! I had an incident where a fifth of vodka was found empty in the trash after my AH had taken my son to baseball at 3pm. I confronted him, he denied it. I pushed the issue and he called me a "B", and slammed doors and threw a royal tantrum. That was a huge wake-up call for me and it was around that time I joined the forum and have some definate boundaries in place. He doesn't drive the kids......period. He can drink like a fish and not appear intoxicated, so I have no way of trusting whether he's had 1 beer or 1 case. I would be very surprised if your 14 year old is not aware of the extent of the problem. Once I started talking about "the elephant in the room" I was shocked at how much my kids know.
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Old 08-30-2008, 08:26 PM
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Was I right in what I did?

I vote YES! Absolutely well done!

D 14years old who does not know of her father's problem...he has always been good in disguising it...every trick in the book,

She may not know what the "problem" is because obviously you haven't been straightforward and just named it for her -- but she knows SOMETHING ain't right!!! I guarantee it.

Secrecy and lies and shame and covering up are the bread and butter of alcoholic families, it's their stock in trade. There may be a little less shame on the frontside when the alcoholic is high-functioning and not an obvious mess, but when the kid eventually finds out the REALITY (which we all do) there will be a lot of shame on the backside since they think this was something so shameful that Mom and Dad tried to hide it from me-- and anger from all the times she knew in her gut something was "off" but everyone around her, whom she trusts, was pretending nothing was wrong.

I choose to live for my children and not for him or make excuses any more.

Bravo!! Now there's a mission statement you can live up to-- I would just add "and myself" in there.

You can only ever change yourself!!

Peace,
B.
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Old 08-30-2008, 08:26 PM
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Not letting your H drive your D around after he had something to drink was absolutely the right thing to do, period. That has nothing to do w/your detaching.

Good luck, I hope things work out just as YOUR HP has planned for you.
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Old 08-30-2008, 09:25 PM
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I live your story on a pretty recurring basis. So freaking strange how come they hide the stuff in other bottles. My AH always puts his in water bottles. Do these guys carry around funnels? So stupid.

FYI, our son (11) didn't know until a month ago. We've been going to counseling and the counselor recommended it. He said my AH's alcoholism is a part of our lives, period. That will never change. He said it's better that our son know so that he can be educated against drinking and so that he feels okay to ask us questions. My AH only ever drinks after the kids are asleep and he's a binge drinker, so I doubted our son knew. However, I told him after my AH broke his own rules and got absolutely hammered about a month ago during the day while we were home. My son took it well. He really didn't want to talk about it in detail. But it helped me, because there have been times when my AH would go places (out of town for example) and our son would argue that he wanted to go with my AH. And my AH would tell him that I was the reason he couldn't go with him. And I beat around the bush and looked like the bad guy. When I told our son, he realized why I say no to him going out of town with AH and there have been no battles since. My AH is out of town tonight visiting relatives and our son never asked to go with him once.

So, let me just tell you my realization after taking a good look at our family. My AH coveted his anonymity and I believed for a long time that he was so good at hiding his problem, that our kids possibly never needed to know. However, I could write a book about the differences between our family and other families. Few of the things that separate us have to do with the bottle actually touching my AH's lips. It has more to do with my AH's need to have his self-esteem built up from external sources and making poor choices or decisions based on that need rather than being a good father. He'd spoil our kids just to make sure they adore him. Or let them misbehave, be disrespectful, etc. as long as it wasn't aimed at him. He has 3 adult children who he raised this way. The outcome just wasn't pretty. There was always too much deception rather than the truth, too much manipulation that was often too hard to determine, there were hidden agendas, lies, and motives. And they were and are all aimed at him trying to function as an active alcoholic and trying to appear to everyone (and even himself) that he's a good, decent, successful, caring husband/son/father.

So now I'm much better at knowing when he's quacking and now I can step in, at least with our kids, to stop it. He took our kids to the toy store yesterday and let our son pick out two enormous candy bars today. Our son would have made himself ill if I hadn't had him eat some now and save the rest. My AH hasn't drank in 5 weeks, so now I suppose he may be struggling. Spoiling our kids is usually a sign. So his drinking is his problem, but I'm sick of our kids being manipulated and as our counselor said, I'm not the type to pretend there's not an elephant in the room.... at least not anymore.

Anyway, our stories seem similar. It really helped us when I started taking our son to counseling. I go in to see the counselor sometimes and my AH goes sometimes too. It helps to have a professional help us through this twisted mess. And I think it has helped for my AH to realize how much his drinking has effected our family. Until this summer, I think he was pretty convinced it was just his problem. Not that I ever expected his sessions with the counselor to motivate him to stop drinking, but at least he is getting some input from a professional about his disease and what it does to everyone he's related to. He needed to know. It made me feel better for him to know.

Sorry this is so long. One last thing. Me ragging on my AH never did any good. When I decided I was through with him if he didn't quit drinking, I started making a plan to leave. When you really start to realize how much their lies and manipulation take a toll on your sanity, leaving starts to sound pretty good. And I know it's not easy. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I've been married for 15 years. Anyway, he hasn't drank in 5 weeks and he's really working his program as far as I can tell, and that has meant complete honesty. He goes to AA every single day. He calls his sponsor every single morning. And he's told several people about his problem. I couldn't figure out why his sponsor wanted him to tell people around him. Then I got it. If he's not active, his sobriety is something to shout to the rooftops. But when he's active, he really wants his anonymity. He was using his anonymity to further hide his addiction. I was the only one who knew. It's so much better now that others know. One of his friends has told me that if I ever need him, just to call him and he'll come over to help with AH.

Anyway, hope this helps. I was living in the secrecy just 3 months ago. Things are better now. Not perfect yet and I realize he could slip at any time. But the cat is out of the bag. Much less frustrating.
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Old 08-31-2008, 07:45 AM
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Thanks to all, my D does know that dad was in "one of those moods" so I know she knows something is up, just not alcoholism. The reason I have not told her about her father...1. she adores hom and he is a good dad 2. Yes, like others, he will spoil her when he drinks...ie buy her things, etc. 3. 2 years ago, my D started to develop an eating disorder (anorexia). That to me was way far worse than my AH. I worked with her w/ counseling, nutritionists etc. and she has recovered! Life is good for her now and I can not take the chance of it reverting back. I know she will eventually need to be told the story as I have told my AH. But for now, I just can not do it. When my AH drinks, he gets chit chatty, and repeats himself over and over and over again. It nauseating...I want to say SHUT UP! but at times I tolerate it. As I said, he is a functioning alcoholic and goes to work (is in pharm sales), perfect job to go when he has to (makes his own schedule, so he is not in an office. I know when he is but i do not look for it...why bother...I just worrry that he could be driving and something could happen...all our savings could be out the window. I am set to inherit some $ so I want to at least protect that. I have been out of the work force for 8 years now and think it might be time to go back (for me) . Anyone else out there with a functional alcoholic spouse? We have been married 23 years, he was in rehab 17 years ago, (my son was 1 year old) that was when I thought he would go in and get cured...little did I know back then....His mother back then (now deceased) told me she would understand if I divorced him because of it. His dad was an alcoholic as well...although never diagnosed as such but I fully understand that she knew exactly what I would face in life. My H is an only child as well and now both his parents are gone. Sorry to ramble...its easy to do on here. Thanks for the support that I get and I know you all understand.
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Old 08-31-2008, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by respektingme View Post
It has more to do with my AH's need to have his self-esteem built up from external sources and making poor choices or decisions based on that need rather than being a good father. He'd spoil our kids just to make sure they adore him. Or let them misbehave, be disrespectful, etc. as long as it wasn't aimed at him. He has 3 adult children who he raised this way. The outcome just wasn't pretty. There was always too much deception rather than the truth, too much manipulation that was often too hard to determine, there were hidden agendas, lies, and motives. And they were and are all aimed at him trying to function as an active alcoholic and trying to appear to everyone (and even himself) that he's a good, decent, successful, caring husband/son/father.
knowing this really helps me. My xabf has 2 children. I have no children myself but I do believe they are spoiled and allowed things that most parents would not allow in order for him to gain their adoration. I'm not saying all around he's a bad father, because he does discipline and teach them manners etc. But here are a few examples, they are allowed as much candy as they want even if it's 10 pm, and no one brushes their teeth before bed. And speaking of 10 pm, they stay up that late, even though they are 9 and 3 years old. He swears in front of them, they giggle. He buys them anything he can afford.

BTW when he is drinking he doesn't make an attempt to hide it from them. His older son told me when he was 5 "my dad falls down a lot". that broke my heart.

Well I could go on but you get the picture. And it illustrates even more, that it really is best for me to realize this being away from him is best for me. For I don't agree with this method of child rearing and wouldn't want my future children brought up this way.
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Old 08-31-2008, 09:40 AM
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OH and BTW I totally agree not letting him drink and drive was absolutely the best thing!

BRAVO.
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Old 08-31-2008, 08:59 PM
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member,

I really recommend that you speak with a counselor. A very good friend of mine has a daughter who started out as an anemic and is now a full blown bulimic. She's 19. Anyway, when she was 14 she started posting on websites where these girls would share tips on how to starve themselves, brag about their most recent weight losses and such. My friend and I saw where she was bragging about how stupid her mother was and how many lies she was able to make her mother believe. My friend was astonished at how clever her daughter was. So many times now, we share our stories and ideas. You'd be amazed at how much her daughter's bulimia resembles my AH's drinking in terms of the lies, the outbursts, the attacks or withdrawals, the tears, the denial. It's just like an addiction.

When her daughter started restricting, their lines of communication all but shut down. There's a possibility your daughter knows that your husband is an alcoholic already. If she does, and if she knows you are hiding it from her, I would worry that you are further risking the collapse of your lines of communication by doing so. One could argue that your daughter is going to learn by your example. And if you set the example for her that you just look the other way and pretend the problem doesn't exist, she could do the same. If she has a relapse, you'll want her to know she can talk to you. Hardly imaginable when there are secrets in the house.

Anyway, I'm no professional, but I would recommend you get some advice from one. My AH is a functioning alcoholic as well, and a very good one. But I've read adult children of alcoholics write on this site about what a relief it was when their parents told them the truth. Imagine the second guessing you've had about your AH's problem and at least you can talk about it. Your daughter really may wonder what the heck is going on. And many people say they blamed themselves when they were kids. What if your daughter is blaming herself? What if it's somehow related to her restricting?
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Old 08-31-2008, 09:11 PM
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Turning it all around
 
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Good for you member,
I think you did what any clear headed responsible parent would do. Too bad I can't say the same thing about your AH. You're true to yourself because of your children. He knows how you feel because you've made that perfectly clear! No guess work there! Too bad everyone's not like you when dealing with an alcoholic. You are text book! Congratulations! No matter what happens. No matter which direction he choses there should be no surprise with your reaction. Prayers
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