Give Me Strength
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Give Me Strength
Today is day 4 of being without XABF. Day 1 was super easy, he was still 'on his drunk' and it was easy to not talk to him when he was plastered. Days 2 & 3 were not so bad. I thought about him often, but neither of us contacted each other - so, it was kind of like, 'out of site, out of mind'.
Today was much harder. He's now sober, and in the 'I'm so sorry' mode. Yuk. He's left a couple of messages on my Myspace - I did not respond to them. He called my phone, I didn't answer, but he left messages and I listened to them. He's so sorry, he can't believe he treated me that way, won't I please just talk to him?? Same old quacking, but it still messes with my head. Then, I went for a walk - and who pulls up next to me while I'm trying to get out and clear my head?? Yep, you guessed it.
I stood my ground. Told him that I have spent the last 4 years trying to control him and his drinking, and that I was done doing that. I told him it was definately over this time. He asked if he got into treatment, if we could get back together then. I told him that I could not make him any promises, that I was concentrating on 'me' now. I told him that if 'he' wanted to go to treatment that he absolutely should, but that he shouldn't do it 'just to get me back' because that would never work. I then told him that I'll pray for him and that I hope he gets help - and walked away. Man, that was so hard!
Finally, my son and I, and him and his kids were supposed to go to a cabin by the lake today until Sunday. Obviously, my son and I did not go, but he still took his two kids. He called me when he got up there (I didn't answer), and told me again how sorry he was and that he really wished my son and I were up there with him because we would love it and would have had such a nice weekend.
Damn It!!! WHY does he have to do this to me?? I still think I did good. I didn't respond to his MySpace messages, I never answered the phone and I never called him back. When he cornered me when I was walking, I did talk to him, but I stood my ground. BUT, this is what he always does. He gets in my head, makes me feel wanted, makes me feel loved...if only for a minute. Then, I start 'rationalizing' that this time might be different.
I do NOT want to get back together with him. I KNOW this time will not be different. I KNOW that if I took him back, he would be back to drinking in a matter of days. So, WHY do I let him get under my skin and even consider it? Ugh! I'm so frustrated!
Please lord, give me the strength and the courage to stay away from this man!:praying
Today was much harder. He's now sober, and in the 'I'm so sorry' mode. Yuk. He's left a couple of messages on my Myspace - I did not respond to them. He called my phone, I didn't answer, but he left messages and I listened to them. He's so sorry, he can't believe he treated me that way, won't I please just talk to him?? Same old quacking, but it still messes with my head. Then, I went for a walk - and who pulls up next to me while I'm trying to get out and clear my head?? Yep, you guessed it.
I stood my ground. Told him that I have spent the last 4 years trying to control him and his drinking, and that I was done doing that. I told him it was definately over this time. He asked if he got into treatment, if we could get back together then. I told him that I could not make him any promises, that I was concentrating on 'me' now. I told him that if 'he' wanted to go to treatment that he absolutely should, but that he shouldn't do it 'just to get me back' because that would never work. I then told him that I'll pray for him and that I hope he gets help - and walked away. Man, that was so hard!
Finally, my son and I, and him and his kids were supposed to go to a cabin by the lake today until Sunday. Obviously, my son and I did not go, but he still took his two kids. He called me when he got up there (I didn't answer), and told me again how sorry he was and that he really wished my son and I were up there with him because we would love it and would have had such a nice weekend.
Damn It!!! WHY does he have to do this to me?? I still think I did good. I didn't respond to his MySpace messages, I never answered the phone and I never called him back. When he cornered me when I was walking, I did talk to him, but I stood my ground. BUT, this is what he always does. He gets in my head, makes me feel wanted, makes me feel loved...if only for a minute. Then, I start 'rationalizing' that this time might be different.
I do NOT want to get back together with him. I KNOW this time will not be different. I KNOW that if I took him back, he would be back to drinking in a matter of days. So, WHY do I let him get under my skin and even consider it? Ugh! I'm so frustrated!
Please lord, give me the strength and the courage to stay away from this man!:praying
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 45
I want to thank you for writing this as I have been dealing with this as we speak.
I can so relate to you... and you deserve better for yourself and your kids. If you have any doubt about your decision, just look into your children's eyes and then ask yourself.
I've gotten several texts from my ex A g/f today as well. She also said she loved me and then how she missed me. I know in my heart this was her way of telling me she wants to talk, she want back.
I have been fighting the urge to call her to talk, but I know I would be in trouble if I succumb to her. I've even entertained make an offer of if she wants me, she would go back to AA and Alonon and maybe even go for counseling with me, but part of me screams that this is just black mail and I want her to go for herself and not because I'm the grand prize.
Are you sure there isn't some type of alonon meeting in your area ?
Hang in there, you will be ok.
I can so relate to you... and you deserve better for yourself and your kids. If you have any doubt about your decision, just look into your children's eyes and then ask yourself.
I've gotten several texts from my ex A g/f today as well. She also said she loved me and then how she missed me. I know in my heart this was her way of telling me she wants to talk, she want back.
I have been fighting the urge to call her to talk, but I know I would be in trouble if I succumb to her. I've even entertained make an offer of if she wants me, she would go back to AA and Alonon and maybe even go for counseling with me, but part of me screams that this is just black mail and I want her to go for herself and not because I'm the grand prize.
Are you sure there isn't some type of alonon meeting in your area ?
Hang in there, you will be ok.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Quack. Quack. Quackety-quack-quack.
Blah blah blah. I love you so much. Blah blah blah. I can't believe I did that to you. Blah blah blah. Won't you just talk to me so I can manipulate the he** out of you and make you come back to me, REGARDLESS of whether it's good for you? As usual, all about him.
For your own sake, I'm going to suggest that you block his phone number and do what you can to block him on MySpace. It's going to be hard to bring yourself to do, but soooo much easier to deal with as times goes by.
So he calls this "love" ? This thing he's been doing to you for years?
I know this isn't the kind of "love" you want any more. The "love" that's actually manipulation so he can have his nice comfy enabler back. He'll say ANYTHING to you. He'll do ANYTHING. He knows all your weak spots. He knows exactly what to say.
Your only option is to cut off his channels of communication, and make the threat that he's not to contact you or come near you or you'll get a restraining order.
This seems harsh probably. But I see what he's trying to do to you ---- almost exactly what my XABF did to me --- and I know how it feels. And, naturally, it p***es me off
It's what I eventually had to do. And then I started healing.
You're doing great. To protect your tomorrow self, consider taking a harder line with him. He's using you, and it's not fair to you or your child.
Good job, lady!!!
Blah blah blah. I love you so much. Blah blah blah. I can't believe I did that to you. Blah blah blah. Won't you just talk to me so I can manipulate the he** out of you and make you come back to me, REGARDLESS of whether it's good for you? As usual, all about him.
For your own sake, I'm going to suggest that you block his phone number and do what you can to block him on MySpace. It's going to be hard to bring yourself to do, but soooo much easier to deal with as times goes by.
So he calls this "love" ? This thing he's been doing to you for years?
I know this isn't the kind of "love" you want any more. The "love" that's actually manipulation so he can have his nice comfy enabler back. He'll say ANYTHING to you. He'll do ANYTHING. He knows all your weak spots. He knows exactly what to say.
Your only option is to cut off his channels of communication, and make the threat that he's not to contact you or come near you or you'll get a restraining order.
This seems harsh probably. But I see what he's trying to do to you ---- almost exactly what my XABF did to me --- and I know how it feels. And, naturally, it p***es me off
It's what I eventually had to do. And then I started healing.
You're doing great. To protect your tomorrow self, consider taking a harder line with him. He's using you, and it's not fair to you or your child.
Good job, lady!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
The "love" that's actually manipulation so he can have his nice comfy enabler back. He'll say ANYTHING to you. He'll do ANYTHING. He knows all your weak spots. He knows exactly what to say.
I also know I need to take your advice about blocking his #...but that seems so hard for me to do. I don't know why. It's taken me so long to get to the place where I am completely ignoring him. Hopefully by reading this post over and over, I will get the strength to do just that.
For tonight, I'm going to bed peaceful and blocking my mind to the...Quack. Quack. Quackety-quack-quack. LOL! Love that!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Tormented, I send you lots of strength during this time. Life is hard when we don't know what will happen in the future. So, it's better not to try to predict or worry about might happen (the what ifs). It's better to live in the moment and concentrate on life right now. If you can't, because of all the noise in your head, do what you can to clear your mind of that noise. If that means turning off cellphones for a few hours, pulling the phone cord out of the wall, then do it. Try to enjoy the peace and quiet... no distractions. Enjoy life without drama. Love yourself. Anything else is succumbing to somebody else's needs and manipulation. This man knows you well. He knows how to push your buttons. Don't let him. Take away his weapons by defending your boundaries (your time; your space). How you feel is your territory. Don't let him invade that space.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Kudos to you for showing that incredible strength. I'm going thru a similar time and I've found that the longer I have no contact the easier it is. I can deal with my thoughts and feelings on my own time - when I choose.
Hang in there, it will get better and easier too - K.
Hang in there, it will get better and easier too - K.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: atlantic canada
Posts: 42
Thank you for sharing with us. What you wrote gave me strength to move forward today. Today I have decided I have had enough BS to last me a lifetime. The bottom line is last night my ABF chose drinking over me for the last time. He was so disrespectful to me. We had plans last night and when we talked at supper time he stated that he was having an arthritis attack and was extremely tired. (He spent the majority of the day drinking in his yard with a few of the "boys" and he always calls it an arthritis attack when he is tired from drinking)
He said he had to figure out how to his daughter to her mother's and would call me back once he knew what he was doing. I waited awhile then called him back. I could hear him at a party and I could hear his drug addicted daughter in the background telling people that she would have to leave if I came out there. When I told him I could hear what she was saying he simply and leisurely said ..."See ya" and hung up.
What his daughter does not understand or appreciate is that I paid for half the trip for her father to visit her in a forensic psychiatric facility almost 6 hours away and helped with the driving. I also paid for half the gas for him to visit her in jail. She was released from jail in order to attend a rehab but had to wait 2 weeks to get in...she has been highly manipulative, demanding and untruthful and has relapsed a few times on coke these past few weeks.....when she is on coke she wants me out of the picture because she can then manipulate her alcoholic father...What she doesn't understand is that I chose not to go to the farm when she is there because I fear her but I have never prevented her from being there....that is her father's decision not mine....but I do know that it means I get pushed out at a moments notice regardless of our plans...but I have never said anything...
But last night was the defining moment for me....the moment when the flame went out and my head took over....it said...what the hell are you thinking girl?...I mean really....get a hold of yourself and move on...get off the circus ride now...because as long as you are in this chaos you will never find true happiness that will sustain you through time...you will always be in turmoil..
I shut my cell off and my home phone...if he shows up with a long face I am showing him the door...no more quackity quacks....thank you very much.
I truly hope you remain strong...Listen to that voice within....your gut....it's really your head trying to get through....the heart simply can not accept reality....and the reality is people will only treat us in a way that we allow them to treat us...we in fact give them permission do to this to us by taking them back...and it will happen again and again unless and until we say to ourselves that we deserve better for ourselves.
Lots of love and prays go out to you hon...
Maggie
He said he had to figure out how to his daughter to her mother's and would call me back once he knew what he was doing. I waited awhile then called him back. I could hear him at a party and I could hear his drug addicted daughter in the background telling people that she would have to leave if I came out there. When I told him I could hear what she was saying he simply and leisurely said ..."See ya" and hung up.
What his daughter does not understand or appreciate is that I paid for half the trip for her father to visit her in a forensic psychiatric facility almost 6 hours away and helped with the driving. I also paid for half the gas for him to visit her in jail. She was released from jail in order to attend a rehab but had to wait 2 weeks to get in...she has been highly manipulative, demanding and untruthful and has relapsed a few times on coke these past few weeks.....when she is on coke she wants me out of the picture because she can then manipulate her alcoholic father...What she doesn't understand is that I chose not to go to the farm when she is there because I fear her but I have never prevented her from being there....that is her father's decision not mine....but I do know that it means I get pushed out at a moments notice regardless of our plans...but I have never said anything...
But last night was the defining moment for me....the moment when the flame went out and my head took over....it said...what the hell are you thinking girl?...I mean really....get a hold of yourself and move on...get off the circus ride now...because as long as you are in this chaos you will never find true happiness that will sustain you through time...you will always be in turmoil..
I shut my cell off and my home phone...if he shows up with a long face I am showing him the door...no more quackity quacks....thank you very much.
I truly hope you remain strong...Listen to that voice within....your gut....it's really your head trying to get through....the heart simply can not accept reality....and the reality is people will only treat us in a way that we allow them to treat us...we in fact give them permission do to this to us by taking them back...and it will happen again and again unless and until we say to ourselves that we deserve better for ourselves.
Lots of love and prays go out to you hon...
Maggie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I love you so much, you're the best woman in the whole universe! I'm so sorry for everything I ever did and everything everybody else ever did! I just want to take care of you, why won't you let me back in your life! It's not fair!!!!! Quaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
Gosh, been there, done that.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Been there as well. Except I don't even get the I love you's or the sobriety promises anymore. What I get are the offerings of only friendship and secrecy of that. I get lies and manipulation.
Mine is on a mini vacation with his ex-wife and I expect that when he returns he'll try to contact me and if I were listen to the quacking it'd be something like this. "oh i wish I had a recording so you could see what it was like... the only joy in it was being able to be with the kids... she can't stand me... I drank all those years just to be able to stay married to her... all I'm good for is the guy to set up the tents and do all the work while she sat and read a book and bitched at me... believe me it's nothing like you think... she'll always hate me... "
basically what it boils down to is FEEL SORRY FOR ME! Compromise your needs for my life, my drinking, my bad choices. And tolerate my tantrums because i have it so much worse than you. Walk a mile in my shoes. quack quack quack.
And your guy calling and saying he wished you were at the cabin. That sounds so familiar. Anytime I don't do something that he wants (used to be stuff like refusing to go to a bar). AHHHHH so frustrating, he somehow turns it around and makes me feel so foolish and judgmental or anything in order to make me look and feel bad. It's pure manipulation and he's a master of that. Obviously many A's are.
well I am sending you strength. We are going through the same thing right now. Distance is the best thing. I wish i had more advice. I'm going to end talking to mine again because I have a load of his tools in my garage. I'll be looking for strength of my own later.
Mine is on a mini vacation with his ex-wife and I expect that when he returns he'll try to contact me and if I were listen to the quacking it'd be something like this. "oh i wish I had a recording so you could see what it was like... the only joy in it was being able to be with the kids... she can't stand me... I drank all those years just to be able to stay married to her... all I'm good for is the guy to set up the tents and do all the work while she sat and read a book and bitched at me... believe me it's nothing like you think... she'll always hate me... "
basically what it boils down to is FEEL SORRY FOR ME! Compromise your needs for my life, my drinking, my bad choices. And tolerate my tantrums because i have it so much worse than you. Walk a mile in my shoes. quack quack quack.
And your guy calling and saying he wished you were at the cabin. That sounds so familiar. Anytime I don't do something that he wants (used to be stuff like refusing to go to a bar). AHHHHH so frustrating, he somehow turns it around and makes me feel so foolish and judgmental or anything in order to make me look and feel bad. It's pure manipulation and he's a master of that. Obviously many A's are.
well I am sending you strength. We are going through the same thing right now. Distance is the best thing. I wish i had more advice. I'm going to end talking to mine again because I have a load of his tools in my garage. I'll be looking for strength of my own later.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Too funny, hadenough. I shouldn't make fun. I know they're in their own kind of pain (of their own making) but some of these people stop at nothing to get you to keep enabling them....even if you're in agony, even if they know their presence in your life is damaging you, they'll keep picking and picking and picking at your soft places. IF you let them.
Wishing us all the strength to protect ourselves and find new - healthy - strong - ways to bring love into our lives.
Wishing us all the strength to protect ourselves and find new - healthy - strong - ways to bring love into our lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
Thank you for the laughs, I needed that! I'm so grateful my HP brought me to this website!
Luckily, the duck was not quacking today. Not one phone call since he got up to the cabin yesterday. He'll be home tomorrow though, and if you remember, he lives across the street from me. That's hard. But, I'm going to keep reading your post, and everytime he starts quacking, I'll just have to look at the duck now!
One day at a time though, right? And, today was a good day. I took my son out to a big festival by my house. My Mom & Dad, Brother, nephew, aunts, uncles & cousins all ended up being there. And you know what? We had a great time!!! No worrying about the A. Is he home, is he drinking, will he be there when I get home? I can't tell you the last time I went somewhere and didn't have those thoughts! So nice!
Quoting you again GiveLove:
Wishing us all the strength to protect ourselves and find new - healthy - strong - ways to bring love into our lives.
I second that!!
I'm so grateful my HP brought me to this website! Luckily, the duck was not quacking today. Not one phone call since he got up to the cabin yesterday. He'll be home tomorrow though, and if you remember, he lives across the street from me. That's hard. But, I'm going to keep reading your post, and everytime he starts quacking, I'll just have to look at the duck now!
One day at a time though, right? And, today was a good day. I took my son out to a big festival by my house. My Mom & Dad, Brother, nephew, aunts, uncles & cousins all ended up being there. And you know what? We had a great time!!! No worrying about the A. Is he home, is he drinking, will he be there when I get home? I can't tell you the last time I went somewhere and didn't have those thoughts! So nice!
Quoting you again GiveLove:
Wishing us all the strength to protect ourselves and find new - healthy - strong - ways to bring love into our lives.
I second that!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Gulfport, MS
Posts: 13
Well,
For me it's been a couple days since i broke up with the X. He has been calling me left and right and especially since Hurricane Gustav, he has definitely been on it. "I love you, do you love me?" That's his line. Oh goodness, he makes it so hard. I hope to become strong enough not to even pick up the phone when he calls.
For me it's been a couple days since i broke up with the X. He has been calling me left and right and especially since Hurricane Gustav, he has definitely been on it. "I love you, do you love me?" That's his line. Oh goodness, he makes it so hard. I hope to become strong enough not to even pick up the phone when he calls.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by FindMyselfAgain
Well,
For me it's been a couple days since i broke up with the X. He has been calling me left and right and especially since Hurricane Gustav, he has definitely been on it. "I love you, do you love me?" That's his line. Oh goodness, he makes it so hard. I hope to become strong enough not to even pick up the phone when he calls.
For me it's been a couple days since i broke up with the X. He has been calling me left and right and especially since Hurricane Gustav, he has definitely been on it. "I love you, do you love me?" That's his line. Oh goodness, he makes it so hard. I hope to become strong enough not to even pick up the phone when he calls.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
