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Not quite there yet but need hugs

Old 08-30-2008, 05:56 PM
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Not quite there yet but need hugs

I have yet to become strong enough to end the relationship with my ABF, but everyday, every drink, every drunk is pushing me further and further away from him.

I am doing my best to quit enabling and anytime he makes an excuse for his drinking I call him on it. Please pray that one day soon I will have the strength and courage to do what I know needs to be done and end this relationship.

I just need hugs and a little understanding right now.

Thank you

Last edited by Summer2008; 08-30-2008 at 06:22 PM.
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Old 08-30-2008, 06:17 PM
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Hugs Hugs Hugs!!! I'm in the same spot.. We'll make it. And the sooner the better!:ghug3
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Old 08-30-2008, 06:32 PM
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Old 08-30-2008, 06:54 PM
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Just now that change can be good and that the life you want, cant be achieved with an alcoholic who refuses to seek help. Read the blogs here. There are people here that married and alkie and had children and the marriage split up and they had to deal with all that drama. Spare yourself of further heartache and walk away while you still can and there is no marriage, no mortgage, no kids. Yeah, it sucks. You will be heartbroken, but doing the right thing isn't always easy and you need to look out for number 1 (you). Hugs to you and may you find faith and courage to do the right thing.
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Old 08-30-2008, 06:58 PM
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I like to think of myself most days as reasonably smart, and yet I stay with ABF. I could kick myself for not seeing the signs earlier and NOT running once I did see them. For the longest time I kept hoping his promises to quit would happen and I see now how much I was enabling.

Things are changing around here, and one thing I'm glad about is we do not live together. This is so difficult because for the longest time when I would imagine my future, it always included him being a part of it. I see now I was attempting to change him into someone that does not drink. I know I didn't cause it, I can't control it yet I always hoped my love for him would be enough for him to want to change. I also know there is no cure for alcoholism.

When I look back at the things I have accepted in our relationship and it makes me feel ashamed. The lack of respect shown to me at times. I was never like this before him.

Heck I walked away from a 27 year marriage when I found out X was cheating, and for whatever reason I haven't yet left ABF.

I also see how his family enables his drinking (they pretend he doesn't drink). I know they are happy that I am in his life and I honestly believe when it comes down to it, it's because it allows them to not have to deal with his drinking. Kinda like it's not their problem.

ABF has the kindest heart, will give the shirt off his back to someone that needs it, or even asks for it, would do anything in the world for me with the exception of not drinking anymore. He keeps promising, and trust me, I no longer believe them, nor do I for one second think he can quit on his own.

ABF is a good problem solver when it comes to fixing anyone else's problems, he's great with my son's (23 and 30) has no kids of his own, loves my grandson, and would always help them or be there for them when they need him. Yet it sounds selfish when I try to just think what is right for me. My decision effects more then just me.

Sorry for rambling, guess I'm hoping if I keep coming back and reading this it will help me to make the decision I know needs to be made.

Last edited by Summer2008; 08-30-2008 at 07:25 PM.
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Old 08-30-2008, 08:12 PM
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...it's because it allows them to not have to deal with his drinking. Kinda like it's not their problem.

Well, it's NOT their problem is it? Just like it is not yours. Maybe you're having a hard time letting go this last little bit because you still feel or want some ownership of his problem? Which might mean you still have some little bitty feeling or wish that you can change it or fix it! It is very very hard to let go of that wish, and the fantasy of control....I know I get waves of it all the time that I have to dispel with my rational "recovered " mind!

You sound like you're doing really well and moving forward. Slow and steady is a fine pace when you're preparing for such a big change. You'll know when the moment is right Summer....

It must be hard knowing he has been good to your kids and grandson....your sons are adults, they have the choice to maintain contact right? And ABF has the choice, every day, and the opportunity every day, to find recovery/sobriety.

Don't ever feel bad about making the healthiest choice for YOU.
Easy does it-- (((((HUGS)))))
Peace,
B.
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Old 08-30-2008, 08:30 PM
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(((Summer2008))) and (((isitme)))

Hugs to both of you!!!
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Old 08-31-2008, 07:32 AM
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It must be hard knowing he has been good to your kids and grandson....your sons are adults, they have the choice to maintain contact right? And ABF has the choice, every day, and the opportunity every day, to find recovery/sobriety.
Yes, my sons are adults, what I did not mention last night, (gosh this is so difficult and I seem to be only able to bring things out in little sections at a time) is my youngest son 23 is facing going to prison for 5 years for violation of probation, my oldest son 30, got fired from his job, so once again it's like no matter how much I tell myself, "It's not my problem", it often feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I know I didn't cause, nor can I cure or solve anything, I just don't know how to put myself first. It sounds so selfish for me to try to put ME before anyone else.
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Old 08-31-2008, 09:34 AM
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What's wrong with putting YOU first or being a little bit selfish?
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Old 09-01-2008, 09:02 AM
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Early in working my own recovery, I struggled with that feeling that I was being selfish by focusing on me and not trying to fix everyone else's problems. It felt really alien to place my feelings first...I just wasn't wired that way. But as I kept working on me I discovered a few things.. that the control I thought I had was false and never existed; that the people I spent so much time and energy trying to fix whether addicts or nonaddictsr eally were capable of handling their own stuff and my meddling denied them of their right to grow, and also that it was healthier not only for me but for all those I love to focus more on me and less on them. I am happier and healthier in all ways and the change in me has benefited others around me too. Now selfcare has become more natural and it doesn't feel selfish. I'm discovering the difference. Hugs
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Old 09-01-2008, 09:42 AM
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Smile Action is the key

Originally Posted by Summer2008 View Post
I have yet to become strong enough to end the relationship with my ABF, but everyday, every drink, every drunk is pushing me further and further away from him.

I am assuming ABF means = abusive or alcoholic boyfriend. What you most likely already know is, it's not going to get any better. 12-step programs (are you in one?) is about action; not thinking. We 'act ourselves into good thinking'; not the opposite way around.

I know you don't feel strong enough and you don't have to be strong enough to take action. Just move the feet. How bad does it have to get?

I pray for your willingness to move forward, without this man. Nobody deserves to be treated less than desirable or with integrity.


Originally Posted by Summer2008 View Post
anytime he makes an excuse for his drinking I call him on it.
....and, how is "calling him on it" working for ya? Take a good, hard long look at the life you'd leading and the years you're wasting. We don't get to do a "do-over" and take back one single day of our lives. Take action, dear one. Take action.

**{hugs}}

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Old 09-01-2008, 01:04 PM
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I'm back at my house after spending the last 5 days/nights with alcoholic boyfriend. We spent two days out of town and then the remainder at his house. It was supposed to be a "vacation" for US, however it actually turned out to be a drinking binge for him.

According to him, things are slowing down in regards to his drinking. Yeah right, I know better. As much as he says he loves me, and knowing how I feel about his drinking, obviously the love he has or says wasn't enough for him to refrain from drinking all weekend. Needless to say he had a better 5 days then I did.

We got numerous things done around his house that he wanted done, (while helping him, I'm thinking to myself, this was my "going away" present to him). I can not nor will I live my life with an alcoholic.

I was proud of myself for the way I handled things over the weekend, including refusing to get on the 4 wheeler with him since he had been drinking. I also did not run to his aide when he feel off the 4 wheeler and I watched him get up so I knew at least I didn't have to call an ambulance.

Every time he would misplace a beer and say I hid it, I told him, NOPE, you just don't remember where you put it. That is the truth. I've watched him stumble around all weekend, fall asleep before dark and sleep till 9 or so the next morning and repeat his actions from the day before.

Where I go from here, I dunno. One minute, one step at a time right?????
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Old 09-01-2008, 01:44 PM
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Thumbs up Way ta go!

Originally Posted by Summer2008 View Post
I cannot nor will I live my life with an alcoholic. One minute, one step at a time right?????
Hooray!!! Yeaa!!! Yippeee! Now, THAT's something to celebrate!
You said you cannot nor will you live your life with an alcoholic -

It's a dead-end road being with someone with an active addiction. Addiction (any addiction) makes it impossible to have true/good intimacy. Good thing you're not married to the guy! What's holding you back? Don't you think you deserve better? We all deserve to be loved lovingly and treated with respect and gee, not be miserable.
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Old 09-01-2008, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Summer2008 View Post
I've watched him stumble around all weekend, fall asleep before dark and sleep till 9 or so the next morning and repeat his actions from the day before.

Where I go from here, I dunno. One minute, one step at a time right?????
I've watched this same scenario every weekend, holiday or not, for over four years. I finally decided I did not have to watch it any longer. I worked Saturday and yesterday. I went to church TWICE. I used to practically live in a bookstore.

Perhaps instead of watching him stagger around in a drunken stupor, you could find an Al-anon meeting. You mentioned you two don't live together. So why do you think you don't know what to do?

Melodie Beattie discusses the death of our dreams in one of her books, and addresses the fact that it is a terrible death to grieve. I know it is painful to let go of the A, but we usually have to love them from a distance ...
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