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On Moving after the relationship w an alkie is over

Old 08-30-2008, 12:57 PM
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Unhappy On Moving after the relationship w an alkie is over

I was feeling strong today. After 3 weeks of hell. This last week I have bee feeling strong and realizing that having my XAB break up with me was a good thing in the long run. Today I went to his myspace page to see what he is up to and I shouldn't have. Is it typical for alcoholics to move on so fast into other relationships? Here I am still HEALING. I see that he is already in a relationship with a girl 8 yrs younger than him. This is online of course because he is still deployed. She is apparently moving here to be with him when he returns. She has a 2 yr. old boy and she is expecting a baby and he is going to be the baby's father. It hurts to see that he has moved on so quickly, while I am still healing and for the life of me, I can't imagine getting into another relationship right now. The alcoholics are not the ones that suffer. The alcohol numbs their pain. We are the ones hurting and picking up the pieces. It seems so unfair. He is already happy in love, ready to be a father of two and I am still hurting while being single and sober.
I thought I was doing well and this is setting me back. I am feeling nostalgic and mad. I just dont understand how it can be so easy for him to move on and find a relationship and it's not easy for me to do so. It seems unfair that he is so happy and I am lonely and heartbroken still.
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Old 08-30-2008, 01:14 PM
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My exaw was living with a guy 2 mths after our seperation, and having our 5yo d spend the nite. Not the modeling I want for dd. Hell, she was dating when we were still together.

It's what they do, they can't be alone. Is she happy? Who knows, it's not my business. I know that's not for me. Like alot of others on here, I've got to mend me first. Luckely her behavior doesn't bother me, I just kind of pity her, oh well.

In time it won't bother you either. By the time we split I was "over it" so to speak.

Keep coming here for support, you will heal.....every day will get a little better, I promise.

Thanks and God bless us all
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Old 08-30-2008, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Lizziesd View Post
Today I went to his myspace page to see what he is up to and I shouldn't have.
I've learned to not do things that cause me harm. What will you do next time, instead, when you get the urge? Having a plan helps me.


I see that he is already in a relationship with a girl 8 yrs younger than him.
As my therapist used to remind me at the beginning: IT IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP (emphasis hers LOL)

The alcoholics are not the ones that suffer.
Alcoholics suffer greatly. It's a horrific disease.

He is already happy in love, ready to be a father of two
When I told my friends xAH and I were splitting, many of them told me they had been jealous of the great relationship we seemed to have. Emphasis on the SEEMED.

Al-Anon, individual counseling and other support helped me take the focus off him and put it where it belonged - my own life.

((()))
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Old 08-30-2008, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Lizziesd View Post
He is already happy in love, ready to be a father of two and I am still hurting while being single and sober.
I was infamous for comparing my insides to someone else's outsides.

Happy? Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. What kind of 'father' do you think he'll be to those kids, honestly?

What kind of partner do you think he will be to her?

Alcoholics live on the have 'fun now, pay later' plan.

I've yet to see an alcoholic progress in his/her disease (and it IS a progressive disease) to the better, if you will.

How do I know that? I am an alcoholic, albeit one in recovery.

My now deceased exAH quickly moved on to and married another woman.

He was buried last year at the age of 47 due to complications from AIDS.

There are no happy endings for an alcoholic who remains active in his/her disease.

I promise you that. :ghug3
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Old 08-30-2008, 01:41 PM
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From another point of view, my brothers explanation when I once asked him why he needed to keep other women 'interested' when he was supposedly in a relationship was, 'insurance'.

He doesn't want to be alone and he will use anyone who is willing to make sure he isn't. He openly admits he doesn't care much for any of these women.
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Old 08-30-2008, 01:47 PM
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ugh that lousy myspace!

I would like to be rid of that temptation. Luckily my xabf hs nothing and will have nothing to do with it. But I do...i use it to look at "friends" pages and yes, i get sad that they all have top friends, bf's and I have virtually no one who cares about me on mine.

when I get lonely and wallow in self pity I look at it and only feel worse. All these people have their kids and comments from others and use it to brag about their life and what's going on.

I really think I ought to delete my profile because i don't seem to get any joy out of it. It's not at all like coming here.
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Old 08-30-2008, 01:58 PM
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I don't have accounts with myspace or any of the others, but from what I've seen of other peoples it's like a shop window. You don't put the duff stock in the shop window, you put the stuff in that makes people want, but it's usually empty boxes or dummies in the window.
Just my opinion.
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Old 08-30-2008, 06:42 PM
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Thank you all for putting things in perspective for me. Every day does get better, except for today when I opened up Pandora's box. Why do I even want to be with someone that moves in and out of relationships so quickly and couldn't value me for what I had to offer? I must keep reminding myself of this. Besides, how could i take him seriously enough if he thinks he can build a relationship on the internet when he is not even this country! What a loser he turned out to be and I am the biggest loser for not realizing this when we were together.
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Old 08-30-2008, 06:58 PM
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Lizz,
You can't move on to another relationship because your are capable of a much deeper love. Your love was taken for granted and should be given to someone that will appreciate it.
Stay strong, this will pass and you will experience the happiness you deserve.
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Old 08-30-2008, 07:44 PM
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Nobody falls in love that fast. We may become infatuated. With superb luck, the wonderful traits we imagine may turn out to actually be there, after a reasonable time.

Any thoughtful person does take time after a relationship ends, to examine what went well, what went poorly, and what mistakes can be avoided in the future.

I pray for the woman and her babies.
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Old 08-31-2008, 02:30 AM
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my thoughts on aw needing to have boyfriends even while still married. i believe in her case, besides related to being with "party people(other drinkers)", a lowered self esteem made her need to seek validation as being "OK", "desirable" , appreciated within the circle of other alcoholics as it was most definitely not my circle. it makes them feel important; grandiosity. that "circle" had many "play now, pay later" people that were seasoned scammers, that incidently ripped her off and also tried to rip me off through her.
perhaps "play now, pay later" can be revised to "play and pay now, and then sink" as she p.i.ss.e.d money away with zero regard to budgetary restraints.
i recall being sad about her new male roomate. ends up he kicked her out of his place because "she is a f...ing nightmare" alcoholics dont make friends, they take hostages. i would think of your ex's current girlfriend as "the latest victim"


don't sweat over it
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Old 08-31-2008, 09:38 AM
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Him finding someone else so quickly is another symptom of the disease. It's just a way to numb the pain of being alone. She has nothing to do with you and, believe me I know, that is the hardest thing to let go of. I used to imagine my AH in these happy loving evenings with the woman he was cheating with. He once told me "I'm just with her because I miss you so much" " I pretend she's you all the time, I just don't want to be alone" I pictured candlelight and soft music when actually they were watching cops and drinking Jack Daniels. I deserved better and so do you. It will take time but you will find your way out of this.
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Old 09-01-2008, 04:32 PM
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That is exactly what i was wondering, Is it part of the alcoholism to constantly seek validation from people and therefore, able to move on from relationship to relationship on a wink of an eye? Based on what I have read here, it looks like YES. They seek reassurance and they want companionship because they don't want to be alone and its much funner to be with someone that drinks like them and enabled them, as opposed to someone that looks down on their excessive drinking and doesn't enable.
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