fingerrs

Hi

My OH and I married 4 yrs ago (late starters) I knew he liked to drink but then so did /do I. We work together in a very stressful enviornment and effectively I am his boss.

He goes to the local every night for three pints, OK fine, But then he comes home and drinks 6 or 8 cans of larger.

When I approached the subject, he always said 'you drink your wine', so I stopped drinking 6 weeks ago. He however seems to be getting worse.

I would always find the odd can hidden around the house or his car etc and he would say Oh I forgot I had that, But twice lately I have found full 6 packs, one hidden outside the back door and last night one hidden in 'his' bedroom.

He stinks of larger day and night and it is becoming an embarrasment.

He seems to get drunk on 3 or 4 cans (the ones that i know about) and slurs and looks literally stupid. When I tried to talk about it last night he got verbally agressive so I gave up. Now he says, 'Oh your great !! You gave up drinking for a few weeks and now your perfect ..'

I must add that in the three years since we bought our home he has NEVER contributed financially to the mortgage or household bills, not even a pint of milk... as his 'salary' is only 200 a week 'pocket money'. This he spends soley on beer and tobacco.

He has offered to sign over his half of the house to me but my solicitor says it is not possible as long as we are legally married.

Honestly I just want him to disappear...

Has anyone any experience of this type of situation ?

wraybear

My experience in this type of situation is finally getting out of my denial and realizing my AH is an alcoholic. The signs are all there... hiding liquor, not contributing to the household financially, and stinking of larger day and night. My AH, was a fun drunk. We drank together. Then we got older, had children and he continued to drink. He drank on wknds, then just in the evenings, then beer, then just whiskey, then back to beer, then just vodka, then only afte 12noon, then before 12noon, then only in the evening. This went on for 20+ years. Eventually he was drinking morning, noon and night. I had to ask him to leave. There were some traumatic events that took place, but I had to stop associating with him. Yes, we had children, but he was so drunk all the time, he didn't even make an effort there either. After three near death experiences, he finally embraced the AA program and is now 3 years sober. Quite honestly, there isn't anything you can do about his alcoholism, except getting educated about it and I must say, I am no one to give advice, but someone told me this when I first started coming to SR and it helped me tremendously. STOP ACCEPTING THE UNNACCEPTABLE. What we, the spouses, excuse as normal behaviour, others would not excuse.

I wish you the best. It is hell living with an addict. But, the good news is, you can get out of your denial and get well again yourself, with or without him.

fingerrs

We are lucky that we dont have children, however we have a very public profile in our community in that I, and by default, 'we' run a charity. He has absolutely NO access to the finances, but joe public does not know that. I am not a very patient person and frequently go to my bedroom and read so as not to have to listen to his ramblings. His own sister has told me to 'throw him out' but I dont have the heart, besides which he wouldn't go anyway. Guess he has it too easy. I may add, he does not drink during the day, but starts at 5pm and drinks till he sleeps.

wraybear

fingerrs, not sure what your point was by saying "he does not drink during the day"... are you trying to tell yourself "it isn't THAT bad"... Fingerrs, are you accepting the unnacceptable? Just something to think, pray and meditate about. You deserve a happy life, especially if you are working hard running a charity. I hope you seek help to start leading that happy life you so deserve. Have you read Melody Beatty's book, CODEPENDENT NO MORE! or an oldie, but goody is Ruth Maxwell's THE BOOZE BATTLE.
I do wish you the best.

sketscher

Looks to me, that right now he has no reason to stop. He's employed with no fear of losing his job. He's got a warm home to sleep in, he's fed and clothed and never has to pay dime for these privileges. He essentially has no responsibility. I'm willing to bet you do a lot to take care of your home and run your life as well as your business. And also willing to bet that if he had to run his own life he'd find that he doesn't have much.

I think the best way to help someone help themselves is to stop helping them at all. At least the things that any normal adult should be responsible for. Let him run his own life. I know it's way easier said than done. Especially if you're married to the man. But maybe you could start with little things.

I'm sure others on here can offer much better advice. I'm not married to an A. And wasn't successful in my own codependent recovery when I did live with an A.

Macushla

It took me the better part of 3 years to understand that I was enabling him by being there for him and helping him out. Since I have cut him loose and no longer listen to him rant about the big bad world and poor little him, I feel alot better. It is very hard but like an alcoholic you need to realise first that you are the only one who can change things for yourself. No one else can, and he certainly wont..