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sketscher 08-30-2008 07:43 AM

Accepting my HP's plan
4 years ago this very week I allowed a toxic man into my life. There have been many ups and downs in our relationship and many constants. One being that he simply cannot, and probably never intended to, commit to me.

Right now I am guessing he's on his way to his weekend camping trip with his ex-wife and sons. And I must admit I'm very sad and rejected by this choice of his. I do understand it. And I must accept it. I also need time to grieve.

I have no doubt that sometime after this weekend he'll try to restore his friendship with me. As I just don't think he gets what sacrifice I make in self respect when I spend time with him and his ex-wife calls and I sit quietly so she'll not know of my existence in his life. Or when I don't hear from him and I worry myself sick, thinking he's passed out in a field somewhere or hurt in his apt. only to find out he left town with her, didn't want to call me beforehand and "forgot" his phone. Or when I'm introduced to his children not by name, or not as a friend but "the neighbor girl". He feels this is all perfectly ok, since we're only "friends", and I'm too emotional, and he doesn't want drama while he struggles to find sobriety.

I must find the strength to stay away when the day comes that he'll try to charm his way back in. I'm praying for this strength.

4 years is enough waiting and hoping for something that only I seem to want.

CatsPajamas 08-30-2008 09:20 AM


Can you do something really nice for yourself today? It would be good for you to get your mind off what HE is doing and just concentrate on YOU. Could you go see a movie? Get a pedicure? Take a walk near something beautiful?

I have been in a similar situation before, allowing someone to take up way too much space in my brain for waaaaay too long. I started working on myself, and learned how to accept myself for who I am. I got busy in Al Anon and made some good friends who helped me to keep the focus on myself. I had to learn about who I was, and then I learned about who I wanted to let into my life. When I wasn't in a good place, I attracted unhealthy partners. Now that I am in a much better place, so are the people with whom I choose to spend my time.

It's a lovely day. Enjoy it... you deserve it.

splendra 08-30-2008 09:42 AM


This guy looks really bad on ya doll.

I have worn things lots of times that did not fit me well just because I did not care about me....

sketscher 08-30-2008 10:23 AM

thanks guys.

Yes, today I'm back to working on my house. I'm not doing too badly. Not obsessively thinking about him...

i've also been making plans and building in many ways for my future as I'm in the process of losing my current job.

I've been watching the show "what not to wear". I've never realized how many women out there don't dress well, just like me, and who can really do wonders for their self-esteem and become empowered by simply treating themselves to clothing and shoes that show the world they care about themselves. So I'm slowly training myself to look for clothing and pretty shoes that fit my body. I do deserve this, and for too long I've not believed that.

greeteachday 09-01-2008 07:40 AM

Hope your weekend is going well and that you have found lots of ways to remind yourself that you are worth so much more than being treated as an aside. I found I couldn't change myself overnight, but as I learned self-care - getting my exercise by doing things I enjoy doing likelong walks, swimming and boating, a run through the woods; eating right, which includes not "forgetting" to eat because I was so stressed attempting to control the rest of the world; and taking the time to rebalance and pamper a little, even if it is just lighting a few candles, taking an extra long shower or putting some nail polish on my toes, I started to feel better and look better. It is amazing how many years I dropped by simply turning frowns to smiles. Amaizng too how much kinder the world seemed to me when I developed that attitude of gratitude.

CatsPajamas 09-01-2008 08:19 AM

I had such a great time when I started re-inventing myself. I tried new styles of clothing, got my hair cut in a totally different style. I tried reading different books than I had before, listening to different music, watching totally different movies than I would have EVER watched in the past. I was learning about ME. What I liked ~ just me. Not what my ex liked or told me that I should like. It was fun - trying things on seeing if they fit. Not just clothes - all of it. Once I got into it, I found it to be very exhiliarating.

denny57 09-01-2008 08:27 AM

Originally Posted by sketscher (Post 1891337)
As I just don't think he gets what sacrifice I make in self respect when I spend time with him and his ex-wife calls and I sit quietly so she'll not know of my existence in his life.

It doesn't matter if HE gets it - it matters if I get it. Why would I expect someone else to care about what I am sacrificing, when I think so little of myself.

I was the QUEEN of martyrs. I like what my therapist told me early on: no one appreciates a martyr while they're alive. Screw that! LOL

Today is a new day to start again, sketscher. Learning to love myself enough to know I deserved better has been a great gift.

sketscher 09-01-2008 01:14 PM

OH Denny!

Yah know what, that very thing you mention, GETTING IT, ME GETTING IT. Yes that actually dawning on me yesterday. And I have felt so much better. In fact I realized that it's not him making me miserable, It's my expectations of him and us. In other words. I AM MAKING MYSELF MISERABLE and I have the power to make myself HAPPY.


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