I have to ask why
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 45
I have to ask why
When I hear about how someone life is turned upside down by another individuals bad habits being with drugs or alcohol... In my mind the one and only question that screams for me to ask is "WHY" are you subjecting yourself to a life of agony ?
My problem is I attract the losers and the dysfunctional women and find myself getting getting angry when I realize "I did it again".
What I don't understand is people staying involved with destructive behaviour that will pretty much guarantee nothing but chaos, drama not to mention their health will deteorate due to the stress. Lets not forget the children... what about them ?
Why would any man or woman want to subject their children to this kind of enviroment ?
Don't people realize that they are pretty muchsealing their childrens faith to a life of dysfuctionality... don't the children deserve a better life, a chance ?
How can someone sacrifice their security and well being because someone else is on a self destructive path and wants to take down as many casualties with as they can...
WHY ???
My problem is I attract the losers and the dysfunctional women and find myself getting getting angry when I realize "I did it again".
What I don't understand is people staying involved with destructive behaviour that will pretty much guarantee nothing but chaos, drama not to mention their health will deteorate due to the stress. Lets not forget the children... what about them ?
Why would any man or woman want to subject their children to this kind of enviroment ?
Don't people realize that they are pretty muchsealing their childrens faith to a life of dysfuctionality... don't the children deserve a better life, a chance ?
How can someone sacrifice their security and well being because someone else is on a self destructive path and wants to take down as many casualties with as they can...
WHY ???
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
I did the dance. The problems started small, I thought things were somehow "my fault" if I could just be "better" things would go back to the "way they were" :chatter
Soon all I was about was keeping the situation calm, and controling everything because I was so afraid of everything.
Soon I was dancing at the bottom of a deep pit.
Thank God for the ability to learn from past mistakes.
Soon all I was about was keeping the situation calm, and controling everything because I was so afraid of everything.
Soon I was dancing at the bottom of a deep pit.
Thank God for the ability to learn from past mistakes.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
Hey RA...
Sometimes it's not black and white...some people can't leave because of finances, because they have no where to go, because they are not aware of the support that is available to them.
Sometimes, because of their past, they do not have the same coping mechanisms as a healthy person to deal with the situation.
Everyone is different and trying to cope at their own pace. Everyone's circumstances are differwnt too...I know I personally put my children's best interest before mine and do get them the assistance they need, just as I would if their father was dying of cancer.
I personally don't think this disease or its effects are a conscious choice of anyone involved.
Sometimes it's not black and white...some people can't leave because of finances, because they have no where to go, because they are not aware of the support that is available to them.
Sometimes, because of their past, they do not have the same coping mechanisms as a healthy person to deal with the situation.
Everyone is different and trying to cope at their own pace. Everyone's circumstances are differwnt too...I know I personally put my children's best interest before mine and do get them the assistance they need, just as I would if their father was dying of cancer.
I personally don't think this disease or its effects are a conscious choice of anyone involved.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by theotherone 
I personally don't think this disease or its effects are a conscious choice of anyone involved.
As Denny said, I was getting something out of it. I had to do some deep digging to figure out what those things were and shine a light on them.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
I am very new to detaching from my exabf and am still asking MYSELF the same questions. I'm sure the answer will come as I keep getting stronger in my recovery.
However, although my codepency is not a 'disease' like alcoholism - I do still think a part of me was (is) sick. Yes, my life was nothing but chaos and drama, and I hated it - believe me. I did not WANT to subject my son to this environment. And yes, my son - and I - deserve a much better life. But, like my exabf could not stop himself from taking another drink - I could not stop myself from rationalizing that 'this time would be different'.
I'm trying desperately to come out of that haze now. I've broken up w/exabf, I have had zero contact with him, and I am finally beginning to work on ME.
The next time you ask yourself why would someone stay with an A and subject themselves to that destructive behaviour, maybe you should instead say a small prayer to your HP that that person would seek help to be able to get away from that destructive behavour and start living a better, more peaceful life for themselves and/or their children.
However, although my codepency is not a 'disease' like alcoholism - I do still think a part of me was (is) sick. Yes, my life was nothing but chaos and drama, and I hated it - believe me. I did not WANT to subject my son to this environment. And yes, my son - and I - deserve a much better life. But, like my exabf could not stop himself from taking another drink - I could not stop myself from rationalizing that 'this time would be different'.
I'm trying desperately to come out of that haze now. I've broken up w/exabf, I have had zero contact with him, and I am finally beginning to work on ME.
The next time you ask yourself why would someone stay with an A and subject themselves to that destructive behaviour, maybe you should instead say a small prayer to your HP that that person would seek help to be able to get away from that destructive behavour and start living a better, more peaceful life for themselves and/or their children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
Gosh- there are many advantages to being involved with an active alcoholic! Here are a few that were true in my case:
1. Don't have time to worry about my own faults because his are so much worse.
2. Get to be the "good" one.
3. Get to have everyone feel sorry for me.
4. Always have a good excuse ready to explain lack of progress in life.
5. Get to have someone to blame all my poor decisions on (especially buying things could not afford as "treats" for myself!)
6. Be generally considered saintly by all (until they get tired of my complaining)
Yes- I am being sarcastic but it really is the truth. You have to wonder why an otherwise normal person would put up with such behavior and repeatedly have children with such a person! There has to be an advantage somewhere!
1. Don't have time to worry about my own faults because his are so much worse.
2. Get to be the "good" one.
3. Get to have everyone feel sorry for me.
4. Always have a good excuse ready to explain lack of progress in life.
5. Get to have someone to blame all my poor decisions on (especially buying things could not afford as "treats" for myself!)
6. Be generally considered saintly by all (until they get tired of my complaining)
Yes- I am being sarcastic but it really is the truth. You have to wonder why an otherwise normal person would put up with such behavior and repeatedly have children with such a person! There has to be an advantage somewhere!
Turning it all around
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 330
We are compassionate creatures. It's our nature to want to help. Helping others makes us feel good about ourselves. Until you are sucked down with them you don't see it coming. With that said, my education by experience will never let that happen again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Earth School
Posts: 137
Don't ask why.....
Originally Posted by rudeawakening
.. In my mind the one and only question that screams for me to ask is "WHY" are you (fill in the blank) My problem is I attract the losers and the dysfunctional women and find myself getting getting angry when I realize "I did it again". Why would any man or woman want to (again, fill in the blank) WHY ???
Knowing why a person does something does not guarantee that once they figure it out, they would just stop. If that were the case, there wouldn't be so much addiction in the world. People would just become aware and stop. Easy, yes? Nope. It doesn't matter why so much as it matters that we heal our old/core stuff so hopefully, when that dysfunctional person comes into our life again (and they will), we will be able to walk the other way.
I don't mean this to sound harsh yet, there is a saying and I have found it to be true. "We choose the type of people in our lives that are at the same level as us". If we have dysfunction, we'll probably attract it. When we raise our vibration, new/different type of people come into our lives. I also know that we attract what it is we need to. Big one for me!
So, how's the meetings going for ya?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Originally Posted by rudeawakening
My problem is I attract the losers and the dysfunctional women and find myself getting getting angry when I realize "I did it again".
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
We're all at different places in our learning and in our self-acceptance.
It took me many years to love myself enough to get angry when someone dishonored me. Many more years to dare think I had the right to leave just because of that.
Only recently has that become ingrained in my cells, to where I start to look like a wild animal protecting its young when someone tries to do things that are disrespectful and dishonest to me....all teeth and hackles.
That rarely happens. My vibration doesn't attract that element any more. But it took me a long time to figure it all out.
Glad you're seeing this for yourself....keep coming around and sharing your journey with the rest of us. We all learn from each other.
It took me many years to love myself enough to get angry when someone dishonored me. Many more years to dare think I had the right to leave just because of that.
Only recently has that become ingrained in my cells, to where I start to look like a wild animal protecting its young when someone tries to do things that are disrespectful and dishonest to me....all teeth and hackles.
That rarely happens. My vibration doesn't attract that element any more. But it took me a long time to figure it all out.
Glad you're seeing this for yourself....keep coming around and sharing your journey with the rest of us. We all learn from each other.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: near the ocean
Posts: 10
Sometimes i think it is similar to the mind control of a cult leader. The disease of addiction invokes an astonishing ability to manipulate and to con others....ask any addictions COUNSELOR how many addicts have conned HIM.
It is impossible to describe the tactics of isolation, deprivation, degradation that are part of relationship with an addict. IMO there is not a human being on this PLANET who is prepared for it or suitably "together" to survive it without a shredded sense of self and of reality.
I know what you mean, though....why do people STAY in such abusive situations. especially with children. There are as many reasons as there are people. but one reason, i think, is quite human and in its way, poignant: HOPE.
Every time the addict pleads for another chance, hates what he's done (and he sincerely does), and reveals the broken man (or woman) within, our compassion and our HOPE rises up to FIGHT FOR HIM. And we stay a little longer, giving it more time and more time and more time.
People can be harsh when summing up why those who love addicts stay with addicts. But only those who have been there know how hard it is to finally, finally, give up.
You asked a good question.
It is impossible to describe the tactics of isolation, deprivation, degradation that are part of relationship with an addict. IMO there is not a human being on this PLANET who is prepared for it or suitably "together" to survive it without a shredded sense of self and of reality.
I know what you mean, though....why do people STAY in such abusive situations. especially with children. There are as many reasons as there are people. but one reason, i think, is quite human and in its way, poignant: HOPE.
Every time the addict pleads for another chance, hates what he's done (and he sincerely does), and reveals the broken man (or woman) within, our compassion and our HOPE rises up to FIGHT FOR HIM. And we stay a little longer, giving it more time and more time and more time.
People can be harsh when summing up why those who love addicts stay with addicts. But only those who have been there know how hard it is to finally, finally, give up.
You asked a good question.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by Snickers008
Gosh- there are many advantages to being involved with an active alcoholic! Here are a few that were true in my case:
1. Don't have time to worry about my own faults because his are so much worse.
2. Get to be the "good" one.
3. Get to have everyone feel sorry for me.
4. Always have a good excuse ready to explain lack of progress in life.
5. Get to have someone to blame all my poor decisions on (especially buying things could not afford as "treats" for myself!)
6. Be generally considered saintly by all (until they get tired of my complaining)
Yes- I am being sarcastic but it really is the truth. You have to wonder why an otherwise normal person would put up with such behavior and repeatedly have children with such a person! There has to be an advantage somewhere!
1. Don't have time to worry about my own faults because his are so much worse.
2. Get to be the "good" one.
3. Get to have everyone feel sorry for me.
4. Always have a good excuse ready to explain lack of progress in life.
5. Get to have someone to blame all my poor decisions on (especially buying things could not afford as "treats" for myself!)
6. Be generally considered saintly by all (until they get tired of my complaining)
Yes- I am being sarcastic but it really is the truth. You have to wonder why an otherwise normal person would put up with such behavior and repeatedly have children with such a person! There has to be an advantage somewhere!
Last edited by BohemiMamaof3; 08-29-2008 at 07:01 PM. Reason: emphasis
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 45
Every time the addict pleads for another chance, hates what he's done (and he sincerely does), and reveals the broken man (or woman) within, our compassion and our HOPE rises up to FIGHT FOR HIM. And we stay a little longer, giving it more time and more time and more time.
Yes hope.... another 4 letter word
(I'm being funny, sheez)
Why do you do this? I'm not making fun of you, I just think that's probably the best place to start if you want an answer to this question.
No, I don't completely believe that, I think it goes much deeper. I think that a person gets lonely or is afraid of being alone and is willing to dismiss the little things, "Hoping" (there is that word again), that the red flags will fade when things settle down.
Helping others makes us feel good about ourselves.
Until you are sucked down with them you don't see it coming. With that said, my education by experience will never let that happen again.
The new problem is not trusting yourself and then you shut prospective mates out until you let your guard down and find yourself back with someone that needs fixing, thus the cycle begins all over again.
================================================== ==
I thought the question "WHY" would make for a good topic as we tend to dance around issues.
I have sat here for 30 mins writting my answer and then deleting it only to answer again only to delete it again. I guess I don't have an answer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by rudeawakening
My problem is I attract the losers and the dysfunctional women and find myself getting getting angry when I realize "I did it again".
I don't think I necessarily attracted the addicts, controllers, or abusers in my life. I believe I chose them. I chose them for the wrong reasons; nevertheless, I chose them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by prodigal
The one constant in your variable equation is YOU. The losers come and go; however, you are moving from loser to loser. I do applaud your ability to get over it, move on, and cut your losses. However, you continue to "attract" people who aren't particularly good for you.
I don't think I necessarily attracted the addicts, controllers, or abusers in my life. I believe I chose them. I chose them for the wrong reasons; nevertheless, I chose them.
I don't think I necessarily attracted the addicts, controllers, or abusers in my life. I believe I chose them. I chose them for the wrong reasons; nevertheless, I chose them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I can't answer for you, only for myself. And I have spent the last three years discovering the whys, so it would take a novel to tell you all of them. But, some of the biggies are:
I needed to be needed
I did things for him because I thought he would love me for it
I didn't find myself inherently valuable
In my family, love was not given freely, it was earned. So I carried that into my adult life. I found someone who was needy, and tried to earn his love. Then I got resentful when he didn't love me. After all, I had earned it.
My thinking was all twisted up and knotted from growing up in dysfunction. I'm still untangling it.
L
I needed to be needed
I did things for him because I thought he would love me for it
I didn't find myself inherently valuable
In my family, love was not given freely, it was earned. So I carried that into my adult life. I found someone who was needy, and tried to earn his love. Then I got resentful when he didn't love me. After all, I had earned it.
My thinking was all twisted up and knotted from growing up in dysfunction. I'm still untangling it.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I can't answer for you, only for myself. And I have spent the last three years discovering the whys, so it would take a novel to tell you all of them. But, some of the biggies are:
I needed to be needed
I did things for him because I thought he would love me for it
I didn't find myself inherently valuable
In my family, love was not given freely, it was earned. So I carried that into my adult life. I found someone who was needy, and tried to earn his love. Then I got resentful when he didn't love me. After all, I had earned it.
My thinking was all twisted up and knotted from growing up in dysfunction. I'm still untangling it.
L
I needed to be needed
I did things for him because I thought he would love me for it
I didn't find myself inherently valuable
In my family, love was not given freely, it was earned. So I carried that into my adult life. I found someone who was needy, and tried to earn his love. Then I got resentful when he didn't love me. After all, I had earned it.
My thinking was all twisted up and knotted from growing up in dysfunction. I'm still untangling it.
L
I believe inhernetly being of the male gender and with some old fashion ideas about things, there is a certian amount gratification when a man can do something for someone that can't for do themselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My sponsor often reminds me that the 'why' isn't nearly as important as the 'what am I going to do about it now?'
I was the great analyst when I first got into recovery. I had to know why why why. I would pick things apart until it was just a scattered mess of crumbs all over the place!
In effect, it was one of my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
As long as I kept asking why, putting it under the magnifying glass, analyzing, dissecting, pondering, picking it apart again, rearranging it, thinking myself in circles, I didn't have to work on me!
I was the great analyst when I first got into recovery. I had to know why why why. I would pick things apart until it was just a scattered mess of crumbs all over the place!
In effect, it was one of my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
As long as I kept asking why, putting it under the magnifying glass, analyzing, dissecting, pondering, picking it apart again, rearranging it, thinking myself in circles, I didn't have to work on me!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
