Please Welcome...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 6
Please Welcome...
This is my first time at this site. Reading some of your stories has made me feel, well, not so alone in this situation. I really think I just need to vent and get some feedback if anyone has any thoughts/suggestions.
Looking back, I can remember traits my mother had, certain events that happened, that all reflect her problem with alcohol. She went to rehab when I was young, and she did get better. However, about a year and a half ago, those signs started to resurface. She just isn't logical and fights about the most stupid things. She is not taking care of herself. Its clear that she has lost a lot of weight and is attempting to hide it under her normal clothes which are very baggy now. She has red blotches all over (you can only see them when her long sleeves she wears everyday come up a bit). Its obvious these are bleeding b/c the blood is coming through onto her shirt. My dad and I found a bottle of wine hidden the bedroom.
Today, I caught her taking a coffee cup of wine out of the cupboard while I was in the kitchen...she drank it...I took the cup from her..asked her what was in it...she said water. I smelled it, and said i didn't think it was, and asked again. This went on for a good 10 minutes. I told her she needed help and living like this wasn't good for anyone. Her only concern was getting the cup back so she could wash it, she would not acknowledge what I was saying. By this point, I was just getting pissed right off. I told her if she would not talk about this with me (this was not the first confrontation about this), she was out of my life. I told her I would not speak to her again. She said "ever?"...once i confirmed that, still, her only concern was getting the cup back. I told her I could get engaged soon, and if i did, she would have no part of my wedding, no part of my life. Again, her only concern was getting the mug back so she could wash it.
I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't argue anymore.
Looking back, I can remember traits my mother had, certain events that happened, that all reflect her problem with alcohol. She went to rehab when I was young, and she did get better. However, about a year and a half ago, those signs started to resurface. She just isn't logical and fights about the most stupid things. She is not taking care of herself. Its clear that she has lost a lot of weight and is attempting to hide it under her normal clothes which are very baggy now. She has red blotches all over (you can only see them when her long sleeves she wears everyday come up a bit). Its obvious these are bleeding b/c the blood is coming through onto her shirt. My dad and I found a bottle of wine hidden the bedroom.
Today, I caught her taking a coffee cup of wine out of the cupboard while I was in the kitchen...she drank it...I took the cup from her..asked her what was in it...she said water. I smelled it, and said i didn't think it was, and asked again. This went on for a good 10 minutes. I told her she needed help and living like this wasn't good for anyone. Her only concern was getting the cup back so she could wash it, she would not acknowledge what I was saying. By this point, I was just getting pissed right off. I told her if she would not talk about this with me (this was not the first confrontation about this), she was out of my life. I told her I would not speak to her again. She said "ever?"...once i confirmed that, still, her only concern was getting the cup back. I told her I could get engaged soon, and if i did, she would have no part of my wedding, no part of my life. Again, her only concern was getting the mug back so she could wash it.
I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't argue anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello lost, I'm glad you decided to post about what's going on. I don't know if you have ever attended an Al-Anon meeting before, but that is where I've learned so many practical things about living with this disease, such as the three C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
I hope you will continue to post here, read as much as you can; and to also take a look at the sticky threads.
I'm sorry about your mom. There's alot of support available for you here- from others who understand and have found better ways to cope with the alcoholic in their lives.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
I hope you will continue to post here, read as much as you can; and to also take a look at the sticky threads.
I'm sorry about your mom. There's alot of support available for you here- from others who understand and have found better ways to cope with the alcoholic in their lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome
So sorry to hear about your situation. Most of the time, trying to reason with an active alcoholic is futile ... I know I wasted many, many years trying and ultimately it was all in vain. No amount of reasoning and ultimatums seemed to really change my AH's decision to drink - even when his health began to fail, he still couldn't stop. Everytime I would bring up how serious his problem was affecting his life .. he would just tune out and walk away. His desire to drink overshadowed all logic ... that is what made him an alcoholic ... because anyone thinking rationally would never let alcohol destroy their lives and hurt those they care about. Short of considering an intervention ...there is probably not much you can do.
Please keep coming back and reading and learning ... it will help to bring you both insight and understanding into this very complex and confusing addiction.
So sorry to hear about your situation. Most of the time, trying to reason with an active alcoholic is futile ... I know I wasted many, many years trying and ultimately it was all in vain. No amount of reasoning and ultimatums seemed to really change my AH's decision to drink - even when his health began to fail, he still couldn't stop. Everytime I would bring up how serious his problem was affecting his life .. he would just tune out and walk away. His desire to drink overshadowed all logic ... that is what made him an alcoholic ... because anyone thinking rationally would never let alcohol destroy their lives and hurt those they care about. Short of considering an intervention ...there is probably not much you can do.
Please keep coming back and reading and learning ... it will help to bring you both insight and understanding into this very complex and confusing addiction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
Welcome. I am so sorry for your pain. I don't have much in the way of advice as I am new to recovery myself. All I can say is that you are not alone and there are a lot of people here who completely understand where you are coming from. That in itself is such a comfort. It's so easy to get swallowed up in their addiction and it's so hard to get out of. Please keep coming here, keep posting and keep reading. You will find many things that will help you along the way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by lost111 
I took the cup from her..asked her what was in it...she said water. I smelled it, and said i didn't think it was, and asked again. This went on for a good 10 minutes. I told her she needed help and living like this wasn't good for anyone. Her only concern was getting the cup back so she could wash it, she would not acknowledge what I was saying. By this point, I was just getting pissed right off. I told her if she would not talk about this with me (this was not the first confrontation about this), she was out of my life. I told her I would not speak to her again. She said "ever?"...once i confirmed that, still, her only concern was getting the cup back. I told her I could get engaged soon, and if i did, she would have no part of my wedding, no part of my life. Again, her only concern was getting the mug back so she could wash it.
She isn't ready to face her alcoholism. At this point in time, no matter what you say to her will probably be met with a wall of denial and/or silence.
I'm sorry you are going through this; I know it's difficult at best.
Have you given Al-Anon a try? I learned over time that there was absolutely nothing whatsoever I could do to get my AH to quit drinking. When I finally realized it was HIS choice and I had to respect that choice, I began to detach. If you try some Al-Anon meetings and find it isn't for you, perhaps you should consider counseling.
Please keep posting. We want to support you and we care.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Welcome to you lost111. Glad you have found us here on SR. I think this website has saved me! When I first came here I was a mess and now I am recovering from my own codependancy and beginning to feel better. My XABF of 3 years was (I thought) the love of my life but now I question how much he truly loved ME at all. the alcohol always came first. He used to sneak too and since he has left, I have found a few hidden bottles that I took great joy in emptying down the drain. It is really disheartening to see a lvoed one destroy their lives but please believe, it has NOTHING to do with you! You can talk until you are blue in the face and they don't listen.
I'm so sorry you are having to fo through this! You have found a good place for love and support here. You may not always like what you hear, but people here speak the truth.
The first time I walked into an Al-Anon meeting I broke down crying and did so on and off throughout the meeting. Those people did not even know me and they brought me so much comfort that night because they truly understood.
Do as much reading as you can and keep posting here. You will learn to do what's best for YOU....to keep you sane....
Welcome!!
I'm so sorry you are having to fo through this! You have found a good place for love and support here. You may not always like what you hear, but people here speak the truth.
The first time I walked into an Al-Anon meeting I broke down crying and did so on and off throughout the meeting. Those people did not even know me and they brought me so much comfort that night because they truly understood.
Do as much reading as you can and keep posting here. You will learn to do what's best for YOU....to keep you sane....
Welcome!!
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