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Any One Normal!!!!!!

Old 08-28-2008, 01:45 PM
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Any One Normal!!!!!!

Sorry, for this thread but I am angry and hurt here……..It is funny I read all these threads about how once someone leaves their EXAL that their life is so much better. Well it is about a year for me and LIFE SUCKS! Yeah maybe the constant worrying about my exAL behaviors is gone but all the pain still remains. It may let up somewhat but all the memories and the pain is still very much alive. In addition, I have done everything to get rid of this pain and to move on. Nevertheless, it still haunts my heart. Now I feel cold and bitter inside and I don’t even want to find someone new.…I did try and this new man I have been seeing just revealed that he takes anti-depressants since the age of 13 for a chemical imbalance…… I do not want to see him anymore…..I am sick of people who are so sick in the head…….

I never felt this way ever ever before, not after anyone I have ever dated or broke up with. I never hated life or had the feeling of not wanting a new relationship. Therefore, I ask where are all the NORMAL MEN!!!! So that my life can truly move in the direction that I want it go. I want kids/marriage etc….and at this rate with all these messed up people out there in the dating world I will never have a family………
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Old 08-28-2008, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyo622 View Post
In addition, I have done everything to get rid of this pain and to move on.
Does "everything" include individual counseling? That is the thing that helped me most of all.

L
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Old 08-28-2008, 01:57 PM
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Happiness is an inside job! Once achieved, you will attract all, the good and the bad.
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Old 08-28-2008, 02:07 PM
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I have found over the years, first in recovery from my alcoholism and drug addiction and then from being a codie that the type of people I attract are directly related to what is going on, on my insides.

Thus I found individual counseling extremely helpful for me to work on me. First to figure out why I attracted the type of partner I did, then became aware of my own lack of self worth and with therapy and counseling worked through many things I was actually unaware of about myself.

In that process the pain of two marriages and two very long monogamous relationships, all of which had failed for various reasons, slowly abated.

You too can have the pain become a distant memory. LTD's suggestion of therapy is an EXCELLENT one.

J M H O

Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much, and most of us have been or are where you are now.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-28-2008, 02:09 PM
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Sorry that you are going through this

Counseling helped me a lot ...and Al-Anon (Still helping me)

Someone with a chemical imbalance is actually not a bad person or
an addict! As addicts are not bad people either...My brother is one of the most caring,sweet,put together, genuine people you will meet. He gets up goes to work, spends time with his wife, has his life maintained because unfortunate he was a preemie baby and born with a chemical imbalance not something he asked for. I love my brother very much and I feel anyone who takes care of themselves can enjoy a happy healthy life too.

Just my opinion…

I have found when I'm happy with myself then live is good ...

Hoping you find something that will help you through this remember we are here for you too!
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Old 08-29-2008, 06:43 AM
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Anti-depressants are so common place right now. I don't know that I would rule a guy out just cause he's on an anti-depressant...anti-PSYCHOTIC meds?? Now that's a different story.
But it's all about what YOU want and the kind of guy you want to be with. If meds are a red flag then so be it...DON'T ignore it.

There are great 'normal' guys out there...we just have to find them. My dr said the 'normal' guys won't just ask you out out of the blue...they might come around a couple times before making their move. So, ladies...be leary of a guy you just meet asking you out right from the giddy-up. Appearently that's a red flag, LOL

And sometimes we're so busy looking for Mr Wrong (and trying to stay away from him) we don't notice Mr Right standing right next to us...

And there is nothing wrong with taking some time alone either.
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Old 08-29-2008, 07:50 AM
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I truly hope you find some peace of mind and compassion at some point in your life.

I have to admit, it did sting when you referred to someone on antidepressants for a chemical imbalance as 'sick in the head' since I am one of those people with the same problem, and will probably be on antidepressants the rest of my life.

I had to remind myself that your comment came from a position of unresolved anger and resentment.

It's a miserable way to live, and believe me, I've been where you are at.

Resentments are like drinking poison and then waiting for our enemies to die.

They cut us off from the sunlight of a loving God.
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Old 08-29-2008, 07:57 AM
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When I met my husband he was on antidepressents. He was told he had a chemical imbalance and that he would have to be on them forever. He hasn't taken them for years and he's still happy and functional....he changed his diet, started doing regular exercise, and stopped living an unhappy life.

Like freedom says, don't rule a good and loving person out just because they were dealt a bad biochemical hand at birth. Unless he self-medicates with alcohol & illegal drugs too. That's different.

If you are going through life desperate for a relationship you'll attract people who are also desperate. If you're miserable and need saving, you'll attract saviors and other miserable people who'll want to talk about how much things suck for the rest of your life together. If you're perpetually angry and critical of other people, you'll attract the same.

If you're fine with yourself and walk through the world with grace and strength, you'll attract the same. When I wanted to find someone "normal," I took a long look at myself (with the help of a really good counselor) and made myself into the person I might fall in love with.

Sorry you're feeling this pain. I hope your tomorrow is better.
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Old 08-29-2008, 08:44 AM
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My doctor told me that there were alot of reasons a chemical imbalance was present...childbirth changes our hormonol structure, menopause, stress, diet, etc. I always thought that if a person was willing to seek help to enhance their life in a positive way, it was a sign of strength.

Not unlike GL's husband, I too am now anti depressant free, but do not frown on those who aren't...they're just being proactive for better mental health.
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Old 08-29-2008, 10:30 AM
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Thank you all for your replys and I am sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings. I know some people who takes meds also for stress etc. But he has been taking them for a long time starting in teen years.... This man is so new to my life and the fact that he takes them sends up a red flag. My exal also needed meds and it just reminds me of all the bad stuff. I wish I could get past it but at this point I can't. But what was written above really hit home, I need to be the person to attract what I need back.....

QUOTE:

"If you are going through life desperate for a relationship you'll attract people who are also desperate. If you're miserable and need saving, you'll attract saviors and other miserable people who'll want to talk about how much things suck for the rest of your life together. If you're perpetually angry and critical of other people, you'll attract the same.

If you're fine with yourself and walk through the world with grace and strength, you'll attract the same. When I wanted to find someone "normal," I took a long look at myself (with the help of a really good counselor) and made myself into the person I might fall in love with."
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Old 08-29-2008, 08:49 PM
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I've felt the way you're feeling quite often, though I can't say that after a year of not being w/xabf i still felt so much pain and bitterness until someone else came along that wasn't like what I felt was perfect.

It's just really hard, for me anyway, to see a man for who really is because I'm either so desperate for the marriage and kids and the feeling that someone wants me or I'm picking out 100 reasons to not like the guy because he doesnt give me that same "feeling" that xabf did.

I truly want a family of my own, but for now I've decided to just work on ME. So I'm not so blind anymore and so that it's obvious to everyone else that I'm a happy, accomplished woman who'd make a wonderful wife and mom. Right now I know I don't portray that image.
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Old 08-29-2008, 09:19 PM
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What can you bring to the table right now in a relationship? Just some food for thought.
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Old 08-29-2008, 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
If you are going through life desperate for a relationship you'll attract people who are also desperate. If you're miserable and need saving, you'll attract saviors and other miserable people who'll want to talk about how much things suck for the rest of your life together. If you're perpetually angry and critical of other people, you'll attract the same.

If you're fine with yourself and walk through the world with grace and strength, you'll attract the same. When I wanted to find someone "normal," I took a long look at myself (with the help of a really good counselor) and made myself into the person I might fall in love with.
There is sooooo much truth in this.

Give this woman a :ghug3
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Old 08-30-2008, 10:37 PM
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Patience! a year is nothing. It takes much longer than that to get to normal, when you weren't normal to start with ...

If you were involved with an alcoholic, then you have healing to do. healing from what brought you to an A in the first place, and healing from the damage done while with the A. whatever you're feeling inside is going to show on the outside, so if you're feeling cold and bitter, people will react to that, and you won't be attracting the kind of people you want to attract. Best to just lay low in that case! better to be alone than a magnet for more alcoholics. Until you're healed. It can take years.

What have you done to get rid of the pain and to heal?

There are way worse fates than not having a husband or children. Really.

One of the things I've learned since leaving my exAH was to not build my dreams on someone else. Direct your life the way you want it to go by yourself. Don't peg happiness on meeting the right man! You're more likely to find him when you're not deliberately looking for him.

From babyhood we are spoon-fed fairy tales of romantic love that are totally unrealistic. We're told we need a husband and kids to be happy, but it's not true. I've seen so many people rush into marriage and parenthood because they think that's the ticket to happiness, and they end up miserable - unrealistic expectations. I think it's what keeps some people in alcoholic marriages too - they want that fairy tale and they want him to fill his role whether he wants to or not.

But really, it takes much more than one year to heal. You're just getting going! Don't lose heart yet.
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Old 08-31-2008, 02:11 AM
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Please describe the "guy" you would like to meet.




Originally Posted by Babyo622 View Post
Sorry, for this thread but I am angry and hurt here……..It is funny I read all these threads about how once someone leaves their EXAL that their life is so much better. Well it is about a year for me and LIFE SUCKS! Yeah maybe the constant worrying about my exAL behaviors is gone but all the pain still remains. It may let up somewhat but all the memories and the pain is still very much alive. In addition, I have done everything to get rid of this pain and to move on. Nevertheless, it still haunts my heart. Now I feel cold and bitter inside and I don’t even want to find someone new.…I did try and this new man I have been seeing just revealed that he takes anti-depressants since the age of 13 for a chemical imbalance…… I do not want to see him anymore…..I am sick of people who are so sick in the head…….

I never felt this way ever ever before, not after anyone I have ever dated or broke up with. I never hated life or had the feeling of not wanting a new relationship. Therefore, I ask where are all the NORMAL MEN!!!! So that my life can truly move in the direction that I want it go. I want kids/marriage etc….and at this rate with all these messed up people out there in the dating world I will never have a family………
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Old 08-31-2008, 06:52 PM
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If you are sick of "sick" people as you have described, get better yourself. 'Attitude" is the key. "Normal" men - I actually hate that description. Once you change your attitude and perception based on your past experiences and let it go, things will change for you. Maybe you are meeting the wrong men at the wrong places? If alarm bells are ringing go with your instincts.
I know its hard to let go of old hurts, but you can do it with the right attitude. Ok things happen, learn from that and move on.
Good Luck.
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