kingston

I'm feeling very confused, angry and hurt right now and I'm not sure why, perhaps after reading this you can help me?

I left my AH almost three weeks ago, no contact for the last 2. Most days I'm fine in fact feeling very optimistic about the future, some sad feelings over what was but like I said ok with it.

I wrote an email to my girlfriend who lives in the same building as AH. I just had to ask. She told me she had heard thru the grapevine that he is quiet and reserved and that someone who we both know (a female) said he had stopped drinking a couple of days ago.

Now what should that bother me now? My life is going so well, I have a great support group (including here at SR), a job that pays really well, a house of my own that I am moving into next week. Why should this comment bother me now! I feel like I'm getting sucked into the madness all over again. I know I can control my thoughts and feelings but yikes why should it bother me. Would I feel better hearing that he was still plastered every day? I don't know.

Am I concerned that he is with this other female? Yikes, I know where that would lead, having left the lifestyle with him.

What can I do to get over this? I feel so stupid! Thanks for listening.

Barbara52

First, stop the self bashing thoughts! You aren't stupid! You are human.

I know for me, when I first left it briefly bothered me to hear xAH had stopped drinking. I thought things along the lines of why couldn't he have done that while I was there, was I wrong about him, etc. I suppose those thoughts are pretty common. For me it was in part my codependency coming out.

Of course, his not drinking didn't last long since he was doing it to win me back. As soon as I told him I wanted a divorce, he went right back to drinking like usual.

It takes time to let go, to truly detach from him. It takes time to accept what is. Maybe your AH will find his was to recovery now. Maybe he won't. All of that is his concern not yours.

I still hope and pray xAH finds his way out of denial and into recovery. I would truly rejoice if I heard this was happening. But it's in God's hands.

Rella927

Please stop beating yourself up-first of all!

As Barb stated you are human! It takes us time to heal ....

What are you doing for yourself? Keeping yourself busy could help you to
get through a lot easier and stop the thoughts of what he is doing!

Let go of him the best that you can and just pray and hope he does what he needs to
do for himself. In the meantime find things to do for you-Go to an Al-Anon Meeting, Volunteer, go for a walk, take a nice bath, there are a lot of things to do to keep the focus on you!

Keep us posted and be gentle with yourself....you are allowed to grieve!

juju

that's all!

juju

cyclelady

Be strong!!! :codiepolice you can do it -you've come this far!!

Good luck!:
Val004:
Cycle

Chrysalis123

I felt those same feelings too. Plus I was consumed with being nosy about his business. Once I realized I hadn't let go I started taking better care of myself. Yes, I was still nosy, but I didn't act on those feelings as much. I started intentionally driving a different way so i wouldn't pass his house, I didn't ask people about him, I'd pop myself on my wrist if my mind went to thoughts of him.

I'm still a work in progress but it is getting better. I remember those feelings are just that feelings. They go away and change and for me feelings are not facts!

kingston

Thanks everyone - your comments and support mean a lot to me. I've almost stopped beating myself up. Trying to play the tape all the way thru.

I realize that I'm still in the very early stages and I am grieving for what was for what could have been and what is - yes reality vs fantasy.

I can't help him WITHOUT hurting myself and I deserve much more than that. I will not be anyone's second again. I don't want that life.

So, here I sit, working away at the office and checking in here at SR. I went for a walk in the forest (my office is my boss's home, he has 30 acres of woodland and a pond) with Kingston. I'm very lucky (again) that I can have my dog with me at work. We had a great time and I did a lot of thinking and breathing. I'm much better now. I know this will happen again but I will take measures to minimize the impact. No more asking questions!

I've made an appointment tomorrow to have my hair highlighted and cut, seems I have a bit more money now that AH isn't spending it!

Thanks again everyone - K.

GiveLove

You are a fine work of art in progress, K. Give yourself the freedom to have a step back now and then. Consider playing the tape through also the next time you have that urge to ask someone how he is... Your walks in the woods sound terrifically healing!

good_luck

Hey, I just wanted to add something that I experienced.

When I heard that my ex had stopped drinking (actually untrue, btw), I felt really uncomfortable and upset. Part of it was definately "why didn't he stop when we were together?"

But I think another part of it was nervous self-preservation. I had FINALLY extracted myself from a very unhealthy situation, and I was worried that if he stopped drinking, for reals, I might go back (because this is what I had told myself in the initial stages of the breakup.)

Anyway, you sound like you are doing a great job. Like everyone else said, just let yourself feel whatever you need to. Breakups....ugh....but we get through it.

Freedom1990

You said, "I had to ask."

Sometimes I was better off NOT asking because the answer was of no benefit to me and my recovery.

Make any sense?

:ghug2